Day 637 – 32 words, ANNOYED word 2 - (for Parents)

I am annoyed right now, it is this feeling of just wanting to STOP whatever is annoying me.

The situation right now is, I want to write a blog, it is me in my room with my partner and my 4,5-year-old son. My partner and I are sitting at our computers busy with work, my son is sitting on a cupboard with his rat in a blanket, he is wrapped in the blanket and the rat is running around him on the cupboard, now my son has something he is doing with this blanket around him, how he is wrapping himself in this blanket, he is playing a game. Now, as I am sitting here wanting to write a blog and my wife is sitting at her computer, my son is CONSTANTLY calling out to us to look, I am not exaggerating here, every 5 seconds he says my partners name to look at him so he can show her what he is doing, it is as if his doing is his showing at the same time, Now I have to hear this as well while focussing on my writing, but I just can’t, it is CREEPING into me, this consistent Leila, Leila, Leila, Leila, and my partner does not direct every call, she is also focussed, so he does this till he gets attention, So, now I am also getting annoyed at my partner for not directing it immediately, I do not want to say a thing, because I know I am in reaction, I know my son is calling my partner, so me saying anything would be strange and obvious for what it is, a reaction from me, and I hold myself back when I know I will speak from reaction (sometimes I let one or two slip, this is when I have accepted and allowed the annoyance to become reasonable and motivated by anger to control(to control to hid what??) Then even if you give him attention, then it just continues to the next thing.

While I am now sitting at my computer ready to write my blog, this feeling of annoyance just gets bigger, I breathe and I focus, I breathe and I focus, but it continues, and then this feeling comes up of just wanting to say “””CESAR, ENOUGH!! Please focus on your game for a bit, at least longer than 5 seconds before asking us to look, us looking at you constantly isn’t fun and not part of playing, what is the POINT of us looking at everything you do all the time, you must enjoy your play, us looking does not change anything”””<--al of that is mind reasoning/justification, thus invalid) – I want to STOP this, I want to end it, I want to get rid of it, because I want to get rid of the experience within me, how I experience myself, I HATE the experience within me, it is like something is scratching within me, and I don’t know how to get it out, I don’t know what is it that is scratching within me – all I know is this experience of annoyance.

So, now it is time to scratch this open myself, time to slow down and go within, and see within what is here. I am literally doing this live so to say, as it happens right now. Thanks to my wife that is now granting me the time to have the time to do this as she is now with our son, talking about why the rat does not have babies, and that there is a man rat needed and so on.

Not having things as I WANT it to be – so how do I want to have things? I am asking this question because it is in direct conflict with my reality and within myself and what I have to work with, which means, I am looking for the RIGHT circumstances for me to not have to face or deal with me and what is hidden behind the annoyance, my past, were I can just relax and believe that nothing is wrong, there is nothing within me to deal with. These circumstances would mean I have to live completely alone, away from other people, away from people and animals and any responsibilities that is more than me, this means I would have to literally just have me and my life, and care about what I do next, where I go next and nothing else must exist within my reality that might ever come into my space. This will be the best setup for my MIND to have, to never deal with my annoyance, where annoyance is obviously just the cover-up for something else within me, annoyance is like the bodyguards defending what is behind the annoyance.

I see that I needed some extra information on this word to really go deeper, as I need more words to give me a key to go through the door, and I have found this just now on Google, which makes a ton of sense and really opens up another door for me into understanding annoyance, this scratching within me.

Definition - Middle English (in the sense ‘be hateful to’): from Old French anoier (verb), anoi (noun), based on Latin in odio in the phrase mihi in odio est ‘it is hateful to me’

Now, since I got that definition and also more of the root of the word, I immediately connected to the “it is hateful to me” here I interpreted it in the way that I am annoyed at things that I BELIEVE are hateful TOWARDS me, so I have this defence mechanism within me where anything in my reality that I perceive as being hateful towards me, which is like being deliberate towards me, to harm me, to teas me, to take advantage of me – I go into annoyance to charge myself up, to then generate this energy within me to build up a defence force to defend me against what  am currently perceiving as being an attack on me deliberately, to spite me, to cripple me.

Let me now show what I see with the event that took place and how this new perspective on the word opened up quite a nice and clear understanding for me to NEXT time when I get annoyed to stop myself, to then remind myself to LOOK for where am I perceiving and accessing a BELIEF that whatever is happening is deliberate, an attack on me in a spiteful way to kind of diminish me and make me react, when in fact it isn’t, it is me accessing past memories, as past experiences where I had situations that carried similar setups and are now projecting it onto my reality in the current moment so I can relax, breathe and realize that NO ONE is deliberately attacking me to be spiteful or nasty or doing something to me to harm me and being hateful towards me in an indirect way.

So, before the annoyance started with my son saying Leila, Leila, Leila the whole time to get her attention, we told him that we need some time now to get to some of our things, so he understood that and that we will not be able to sit with him and play with him, as we will need to be busy to get certain things done. So, now after communicating this to our son, he gets on with playing on his own, but he starts calling out my partners name the whole time to now LOOK at how he is paying and what he is doing, which is still now taking our time and not granting us the moment to get to our things. This is where I then Take it as a deliberate attack on me/us, I perceive it as my son now taking advantage of the fact that he can simply call our names and get our attention anyway through us looking, but not having to actually play with him, and this is what then scratches within me, that he is playing us, taking advantage and being deliberate in sort of “outsmarting us, like he is saying, hahaha, you don’t want to play with me, sit with me, then I will still take your time but in a different “annoying” way. Maybe then you will give in and anyway come play with me and stop what you are doing.

What happened is (occording to my perception still) – we communicated with him that we will not be able to play with him, by being with him, and will be busy on our PC’s – we did not say anything about - we will also not be able to give you attention though looking at everything you do as we will be focussed on writing and checking assignments and so on, so even if you call our names out for an hour, we will not be able to look as we will be focussed, unless it is an emergency or something urgent, then we will.

So, the annoyance is with ME 100%, as I did not communicate effectively with my son, I did not take the time to lay it out for him (as he does understand what we are saying) I wasn’t specific, and neither did I actually communicate with my partner about what she meant with needing time, with what she is okay with, so my son did Call out for my partner, as she only said to him, not playing with him, but she didn’t say anything about speaking, so he spoke to her, I, on the other hand, assumed that all of it meant, he must be quiet as well to a certain extent to let us focus (not like totally quiet, he can scream and so forth – I am referring to him wanting our specific focus the whole time) here I see that I am also not on the same page with my partner with what is she okay with when she needs to focus, as we both have different levels of focus, I need some serious quiet time, and she does not so much (I assume again lol).

Solution – when and as I am experiencing Annoyance, I remind myself of the new deeper definition of the word I have discovered of – it is hateful to me” where I have changed it to ‘ it is hateful towards me” as I then can access where am I accessing the belief/perception/assumption and experience of what is happening to me currently is hateful towards me from the other individual or the situation/circumstances” to then check where in my reality have I not communicated and aligned myself with my reality within the specific point I am finding myself experiencing “annoyance” within – to then sort out the assumptions I am functioning within myself and my reality, to then according to the feedback I get realign my communications/movement to be more specific and in detail to be that which is in consideration of all involved.

It is like when I was about eleven years old, and my older cousins pinned me down and tickled me, I assumed they would stop after I ask, but they didn’t, they contused till I could not breathe, till I peed my pants, this created an experience of someone being hatful towards me, deliberate harm that did not start out as harm, so now whenever something takes place where I am being tickled, I get annoyed to be able to get angry, build up that energy to be able to then take on control mode, to take on a stance of fury and to destroy this thing I interpret as some hidden deliberate harm.

Daily Rituals - Good or Bad?

I have dealt with a lot of Addictions in my life, from Porn, Alcohol to smoking as the obvious ones. We have many addictions that we participate within, such as coffee, sweets and just spending money.
I have worked with Habits and patterns for the past few years of my life to deconstruct them and to understand them, to see who I am within my patterns and habit, why I formed them, how I formed them and if they are actually supportive or not.

I have found that 90% of my habits and patterns just like the obvious addictions and the not so obvious ones are not best for me or anyone else. in some cases they are supportive.

Yesterday I woke up and I once again in awareness walked through my morning within just waking up, I looked at the patterns and the habits that come up during my morning routine and why I do them, how I do them and what is it all for in the way I am waking up and going about my morning.
Within this the word Ritual came up, I noticed, specifically withing my morning routine that the patterns and the habits of the morning routine together forms a ritual. This brought me to a whole other level of understanding myself and not only how I do things but more specifically the WHY, as the believes and ideas behind the how.

Lets look at the noun for ritual

a religious or solemn ceremony consisting of a series of actions performed according 

to a prescribed order.

Now, here we have to take into account the definition of prescribe as well, as understanding this word within Ritual brings quit a bit to the surface.

Definition of Prescribe - state authoritatively or as a rule that (an action or procedure) should be carried out.

Within the word prescribe we can also simply use IMPOSE, Each morning when I wake up I have a set of patterns and habits that I am imposing onto myself to LIVE as my ritual, as I believe doing things a certain way will make me experience myself a certain way, and this has some truth to it, except it is in reverse. We believe that HOW and what we do changes who we are, so we create certain patterns and habits that forms a ritual that we live to change how we experience ourselves and thus how we will take on each day.

The problem I have found with this is that the ritual becomes a dependency, and if we for some reason can not fulfill the ritual then the magical powers we receive from it will not be there and thus we will experience ourselves differently.

In my morning ritual after getting out of bed, I MUST first Drink water, if I do not have that first cup of water then I have the believe that I will have a dry mouth all day, that my body will be tired and not feel strong. Even if this is true and practical to have a glass of water each morning first, what compromises such practical point i the FEAR attached to it of if we do not do it, thus this practical point has now become a ritual of polarities, where we do one thing to avoid the other, and if we should ever compromise this ritual then we access that fear and we live the polarity. Thus we create the problem and enforce the ritual/belief and limit ourselves to this polarity designs.

I used to have it that if I wake up in the morning I MUST wash my face off with water first thing in the morning, or I will feel tired during the day, this ritual activity was enforced by the negative fear point of being tired, so I wash my face each morning out of fear of being tired, confirming to myself that I am tired each and every morning by living this action, and the same goes for drinking water the first thing in the morning, by drinking the water from the starting point of fearing being dehydrated and if I do not drink it, made me wake up every morning with a dry mouth and feeling dehydrated.

I used to use lip balm, to keep my lips soft and moist. I would carry a stick of lip balm with me everywhere I go. Ever few hours I would pop out y lip balm and I would start putting it all over my lips, while I am doing that I would think to myself, YES, keep it nice and soft, moist. what was behind that thinking was that I feared having dry lips that ends up cracking and looking ugly, as I had a believe behind that, that I naturally had dry lips, weak lips, different lips t others, or that the climate does not agree with my specific and special body. So I used lip balm for years, always enforcing the believes within the actions I took, the rituals I participated within, thus the things I IMPOSED onto myself, such as I am always dehydrated, I am always tired, I always have dry lips, and thus I created these rituals to have a positive change so to say, yet I never realized that my rituals were actually making all the things I believed of myself so, to be so, to be true, keeping it and creating it.

I have stopped using lip balm about 14 years ago, and I have never had dry lips again, I have stopped splashing my face in the mornings with water for years now, and I have realized that I can simply be awake, I just had to drop the believes I had of myself, the ideas and opinions I was imposing onto myself, I did these things gradually as to not compromise myself, I obviously did condition the body, so I simply had to unconditioned them and realize that everything has got to do with WHO I AM and that determines what I do.

Let me explain a bit more, currently we have the mentality that we are defined by what we do, and what we do gives us value. which is the same as saying that a Seed of a tree must first be a tree before it has the value of a tree, yet the seed is created and born with that value already, it did not have to become a tree first to have that value, it is naturally the value of the seed. The same with humans, we are BORN with the value of LIFE, we have it, it is us, we do not have to DO all these things before we have value, we simply had to realize we are the value of life ad then LIVE that, it is all in revere.

Because we have revered everything where we now have believes, ideas and opinions of ourselves within our minds about ourselves, we are constantly living in self-comparison with yourself of being worthless or not, and we try to change these believes and ideas and opinions about ourselves through the things we do, and thus we create addictions, habits and patterns and eventually we have rituals. instead of realizing that we need to STOP the beliefs, ideas and opinions we have of ourselves and realize ourselves as the value of LIFE which we inherently are/have. Thus we can GROW from that as LIFE just like how a tree grows from the seed naturally.

So, take a look for yourself, what Rituals do you have that you believe you must perform each and everyday day during your days to be a certain way, to exist a certain way, to experience yourself a certain way, and here I want to be clear, they can be positive or negative rituals, some enjoy negativity and some positive and both are of the same coin.

Because these rituals are keeping the opposite things in place, they impose conditions and are not what they are believed to be. It takes some practice to see deeper dimensions, to see what things are in reverse and to understand what they are actually imposing, creating and keeping in place.