Resistance to be intimate with myself - The Eco No ME too Into Me I SEE

I am becoming more and more aware of how I have this resistance within me to be intimate with myself, to be with ME in silence, I see that this resistance is here consistently, like a ghost on my heels in everything I do, this ghost is representing the “past” – how this works is, in each and every moment that I am living “externally” the moment for me to truly express myself as myself as who I am, becomes a ghost, and the more and more I do this, the ghost is getting bigger and bigger, and eventually I will push myself to a point of “breaking” – this is where I will have to make the only decision that is actually a real decision, to be with me here in breath, or not exist basically. The reason I see for this resistance to be with ME/Myself, to be intimate with myself, is due to ALL that I have already done, and I know (this is important, because this is actually not the fear of the unknown, but actually the fear of I KNOW, yes resist and postpone) that the moment I am with me here in BREATH – then all I have even been, lived and done, GOOD or BAD would be forgiven, and thus I will have to release myself of my own Debt, why would I do that if I have literally defined myself according to my debt, my wrongs and rights, mostly my wrongs. I thrive on the self-definition that I have created in my own eyes and that I believe I have created in the eyes of others, this is building interest each day, and there is a lot of value on it as I make myself belief and others – the value is based on belief, I can’t suddenly change…. Then I would lose it all, my investments, I have spent my whole life creating/building up. 

So, how is this eating me up to constantly give into the resistance instead of pushing through to be with myself? It is through the habit’s and patterns that I have established as external parts of my reality where I have to constantly participate within to keep defining myself according to my investment, my interest, to grow. I have to keep on compound the interest by participating within the habits and patterns, even if all of them are not best for me, or others. But to enforce the belief and try and give it REAL value I have to constantly manifest and create the exact same consequences within my life that are real, based off the belief/value/interest, to eventually grow the apparent real proof that this belief is real, this value of mine is real, that this is who I am, because now I can show people real things, I am my gold, and to proof that I as my own gold/resource needs to have proven value, so I keep on proving my value through consistently patriating in the habits and patterns to manifest the same shit over and over – even if it means I end up with total destruction of myself, at least I can then be with myself and say, SEE this is my value, my worth.

How did this get so messed up? That my worth and value of myself is that which is external from me, even if it good or bad. Why do I not see value in MYSELF as life, which is always the same value and needs no proof, I am already that proof by breathing, being here, it is self-evident, so why do I keep on insisting my value is something else by participating in ALL these external things to proof a point about some irrational point of value?

Here I look at the interest that has been planted within me, I say planted because I went through my first 18 years of life through a factory called the system of money, well there we have it, I have literally been living the exact same way within me as the money system, I have no value as long as I do not make money, I have no purpose and no one will be interested in me if I do not have money value, if I do not have a home, car, family, food, as proven by the billions in poverty, no one has an interest in them. So, I have to consistently create this character/personality that has value and an interest for others to be interested within and to see value, so that I can externally have the same, a fear driven force, and most of the cases all of this is a struggle, because it is in direct conflict with who I am in fact as life that is a total full and complete value always, so this fake value point starts taking over, where I start functioning exactly like the money system, giving LIFE no value and always only valuing the external (how I am, what I do), profiting, and this isn’t necessarily good, because of the conflict.

Bad, and shitty habits form, we can see across the world, Alcohol, drugs, porn and many many other addictions  are existent here, as a way to release all the build-up stress, anxiety and fear that we have for ourselves as not bearing enough value and thus interest for others and thus surviving within this system of money.

So, going back to more personal points. Instead of writing self-forgiveness or breathing and letting go, and getting to just be with me in silence, I will instead drink more coffee, sit down and start bench watching videos on local politics, UFO’s, conspiracies, or I will simply start to THINK a ton, a lot, about everything, about life, about making connections, about people in my life, about all the small things and everything I can possible think about, In the fear of it all, as I’m actually through the thinking as the mind consciousness system checking and evaluating if my value and interests are still protected, that I still have value, if anything shows me that I might lose value, that I am insecure, I almost immediately break down and this leads to insecure habits and patterns of self-destruction that is self-harm and harm to others. Like the markets just crashed and a massive economic collapse just took place within me, and so all is running for their lives, and everyone is panicking and then after the self- destructive patterns and habits, I will find myself a new way, a new characteristic trait that might save me, my interest/value – and so I will test that part out, play it out and in a few days, weeks, I will have feedback, and usually it fails according to my mind consciousness system, so all repeats and same old points play out, and so it goes in circles, and as this continue the value of myself is going down and down, because in reality shit is getting worse, and since my value is externally placed, I can never be stable, and so I see, I have to come to a point of stopping and living what I know – Who I am.

It is hard to let this go, to stop participating within the internal economic system of interest and valuing self through thinking and the calculating and accessing process of what habits and patterns one has invested in to FEED ones betting systems, the videos, articles, recordings about anything and everything and to actually start taking this process fully internal, till my own self-value is that equal and one to life and noting externally changes anything of me, so I stand clear. The thinking is extreme, it has to stop, the calculating is extreme, and it has to stop.

Can I sit on my bed for hours and breathe and be here with me, letting go, be silent, instead of giving into participating in distractions that feeds my thinking/betting systems.

Day 637 – 32 words, ANNOYED word 2 - (for Parents)

I am annoyed right now, it is this feeling of just wanting to STOP whatever is annoying me.

The situation right now is, I want to write a blog, it is me in my room with my partner and my 4,5-year-old son. My partner and I are sitting at our computers busy with work, my son is sitting on a cupboard with his rat in a blanket, he is wrapped in the blanket and the rat is running around him on the cupboard, now my son has something he is doing with this blanket around him, how he is wrapping himself in this blanket, he is playing a game. Now, as I am sitting here wanting to write a blog and my wife is sitting at her computer, my son is CONSTANTLY calling out to us to look, I am not exaggerating here, every 5 seconds he says my partners name to look at him so he can show her what he is doing, it is as if his doing is his showing at the same time, Now I have to hear this as well while focussing on my writing, but I just can’t, it is CREEPING into me, this consistent Leila, Leila, Leila, Leila, and my partner does not direct every call, she is also focussed, so he does this till he gets attention, So, now I am also getting annoyed at my partner for not directing it immediately, I do not want to say a thing, because I know I am in reaction, I know my son is calling my partner, so me saying anything would be strange and obvious for what it is, a reaction from me, and I hold myself back when I know I will speak from reaction (sometimes I let one or two slip, this is when I have accepted and allowed the annoyance to become reasonable and motivated by anger to control(to control to hid what??) Then even if you give him attention, then it just continues to the next thing.

While I am now sitting at my computer ready to write my blog, this feeling of annoyance just gets bigger, I breathe and I focus, I breathe and I focus, but it continues, and then this feeling comes up of just wanting to say “””CESAR, ENOUGH!! Please focus on your game for a bit, at least longer than 5 seconds before asking us to look, us looking at you constantly isn’t fun and not part of playing, what is the POINT of us looking at everything you do all the time, you must enjoy your play, us looking does not change anything”””<--al of that is mind reasoning/justification, thus invalid) – I want to STOP this, I want to end it, I want to get rid of it, because I want to get rid of the experience within me, how I experience myself, I HATE the experience within me, it is like something is scratching within me, and I don’t know how to get it out, I don’t know what is it that is scratching within me – all I know is this experience of annoyance.

So, now it is time to scratch this open myself, time to slow down and go within, and see within what is here. I am literally doing this live so to say, as it happens right now. Thanks to my wife that is now granting me the time to have the time to do this as she is now with our son, talking about why the rat does not have babies, and that there is a man rat needed and so on.

Not having things as I WANT it to be – so how do I want to have things? I am asking this question because it is in direct conflict with my reality and within myself and what I have to work with, which means, I am looking for the RIGHT circumstances for me to not have to face or deal with me and what is hidden behind the annoyance, my past, were I can just relax and believe that nothing is wrong, there is nothing within me to deal with. These circumstances would mean I have to live completely alone, away from other people, away from people and animals and any responsibilities that is more than me, this means I would have to literally just have me and my life, and care about what I do next, where I go next and nothing else must exist within my reality that might ever come into my space. This will be the best setup for my MIND to have, to never deal with my annoyance, where annoyance is obviously just the cover-up for something else within me, annoyance is like the bodyguards defending what is behind the annoyance.

I see that I needed some extra information on this word to really go deeper, as I need more words to give me a key to go through the door, and I have found this just now on Google, which makes a ton of sense and really opens up another door for me into understanding annoyance, this scratching within me.

Definition - Middle English (in the sense ‘be hateful to’): from Old French anoier (verb), anoi (noun), based on Latin in odio in the phrase mihi in odio est ‘it is hateful to me’

Now, since I got that definition and also more of the root of the word, I immediately connected to the “it is hateful to me” here I interpreted it in the way that I am annoyed at things that I BELIEVE are hateful TOWARDS me, so I have this defence mechanism within me where anything in my reality that I perceive as being hateful towards me, which is like being deliberate towards me, to harm me, to teas me, to take advantage of me – I go into annoyance to charge myself up, to then generate this energy within me to build up a defence force to defend me against what  am currently perceiving as being an attack on me deliberately, to spite me, to cripple me.

Let me now show what I see with the event that took place and how this new perspective on the word opened up quite a nice and clear understanding for me to NEXT time when I get annoyed to stop myself, to then remind myself to LOOK for where am I perceiving and accessing a BELIEF that whatever is happening is deliberate, an attack on me in a spiteful way to kind of diminish me and make me react, when in fact it isn’t, it is me accessing past memories, as past experiences where I had situations that carried similar setups and are now projecting it onto my reality in the current moment so I can relax, breathe and realize that NO ONE is deliberately attacking me to be spiteful or nasty or doing something to me to harm me and being hateful towards me in an indirect way.

So, before the annoyance started with my son saying Leila, Leila, Leila the whole time to get her attention, we told him that we need some time now to get to some of our things, so he understood that and that we will not be able to sit with him and play with him, as we will need to be busy to get certain things done. So, now after communicating this to our son, he gets on with playing on his own, but he starts calling out my partners name the whole time to now LOOK at how he is paying and what he is doing, which is still now taking our time and not granting us the moment to get to our things. This is where I then Take it as a deliberate attack on me/us, I perceive it as my son now taking advantage of the fact that he can simply call our names and get our attention anyway through us looking, but not having to actually play with him, and this is what then scratches within me, that he is playing us, taking advantage and being deliberate in sort of “outsmarting us, like he is saying, hahaha, you don’t want to play with me, sit with me, then I will still take your time but in a different “annoying” way. Maybe then you will give in and anyway come play with me and stop what you are doing.

What happened is (occording to my perception still) – we communicated with him that we will not be able to play with him, by being with him, and will be busy on our PC’s – we did not say anything about - we will also not be able to give you attention though looking at everything you do as we will be focussed on writing and checking assignments and so on, so even if you call our names out for an hour, we will not be able to look as we will be focussed, unless it is an emergency or something urgent, then we will.

So, the annoyance is with ME 100%, as I did not communicate effectively with my son, I did not take the time to lay it out for him (as he does understand what we are saying) I wasn’t specific, and neither did I actually communicate with my partner about what she meant with needing time, with what she is okay with, so my son did Call out for my partner, as she only said to him, not playing with him, but she didn’t say anything about speaking, so he spoke to her, I, on the other hand, assumed that all of it meant, he must be quiet as well to a certain extent to let us focus (not like totally quiet, he can scream and so forth – I am referring to him wanting our specific focus the whole time) here I see that I am also not on the same page with my partner with what is she okay with when she needs to focus, as we both have different levels of focus, I need some serious quiet time, and she does not so much (I assume again lol).

Solution – when and as I am experiencing Annoyance, I remind myself of the new deeper definition of the word I have discovered of – it is hateful to me” where I have changed it to ‘ it is hateful towards me” as I then can access where am I accessing the belief/perception/assumption and experience of what is happening to me currently is hateful towards me from the other individual or the situation/circumstances” to then check where in my reality have I not communicated and aligned myself with my reality within the specific point I am finding myself experiencing “annoyance” within – to then sort out the assumptions I am functioning within myself and my reality, to then according to the feedback I get realign my communications/movement to be more specific and in detail to be that which is in consideration of all involved.

It is like when I was about eleven years old, and my older cousins pinned me down and tickled me, I assumed they would stop after I ask, but they didn’t, they contused till I could not breathe, till I peed my pants, this created an experience of someone being hatful towards me, deliberate harm that did not start out as harm, so now whenever something takes place where I am being tickled, I get annoyed to be able to get angry, build up that energy to be able to then take on control mode, to take on a stance of fury and to destroy this thing I interpret as some hidden deliberate harm.