Day 478 - I am a South African

Yes it is true, I live on a continent called Africa, and I am in a country that is based on the southern tip of Africa, I was born in this country and I was raised in this country, I have the language of this county and I have the cultures of this country, I also have the personality of this country because this is where I was born.

All my life I have been proud to be a South African, I have held this nation within me as MY COUNTRY, I felt honored to be here, I used to watch sports where we compete against other countries and I would scream and be all hyped up for OUR COUNTY, my country to win, because if my country win I can say even with more PRIDE that I am from this country.

Over time I took on a personality, a character that is SOUTH AFRICAN – this is quite interesting, because there are many types of characters/personalities within South Africa, due to us having such a wide range of races living here, each race having their own back ground and each race within our/their races having different cultures and religions, yet there is an overall personality of an South African that we all have in common, it is a beingness, it is the substance of the people living in SA that is of the same.

I am a Caucasian, a white young man living in South Africa, I grew up after Apartheid, so I do not know the struggles, and I do not need to know it, yes I must be educated about the past to not to repeat it, but I do not have to know it, that’s why Mandela did what he did, so that I do not have to know it, live it, experience it and be a fresh new beginning for all humans.

And this is where I am about to make my point, I may be of South Africa, this may be my birth location, this may be the land that I grew up on, but I am not actually a South African, because I could have easily been born in China instead of here, or in America, or in Russia, or in any other country, and then what?? Then I would be a Russian, or a America, or a Chinese, or a European and then I would have had a personality/character of that country, the same as I have one now of South Africa.

So what makes my South African personality so unique or so special, or my culture or religion, if it could easily have been anything else just because of where I was born or could have been born, a complete different family or race or culture and that would have been me then.

So I have come to realize and see for myself everything within me that I value as a South African has to change, the starting point within me for why do I want to be a South African, why do I want to label myself as that, as that personification that I add to my nature/character (the attribution of a personal nature or human characteristics to something nonhuman) that comes with it.

What if my country got destroyed today and I had to move somewhere else, who would I be then? I can’t claim I am a South African then, South Africa is non-existent then.

There are so many point that I as a South African can look at myself and who I am and how much of who I am comes from the idea/belief/opinion of my country and how I have shaped myself according to those ideas/beliefs/opinions, and to within this I can see more weaknesses within me or strong points, and I can see how many of them are simply a result of the idea/belief/opinion I have of my country, and because I have valued myself, and defined myself and affiliated myself as my country thus I am now subject to all these things that isn’t ME, or who I am, yet at this moment it is who I am, because I have accepted and allowed it to be so, to be so natural.

It is quite a limitation within itself – I have over the years met dozens of people that come from other countries and cultures and races and I have spent months with these people and even married a specific one ; ), and it turns out we are all exactly the same, till it comes to talking about countries, it becomes a comparison, it becomes a competition, it becomes very interesting, how each one is naturally defending their country and making their country their own, divide and conquer is truly a weapon of mass destruction, it is imbedded within each of us, our country, our nationality – we can leave our country for many years, we can be away for as long as we like, but deep inside there is a program laying in waiting to fight for your country.

But I have found within myself quite a change regarding this point, because I have stopped participating within all the “normal” cultural events and TV, for the past seven years, it has opened me up to truly develop myself as a human being instead of a South African, and I have come to realize that there are so many negative things attached to each and every country that people take on as their own, as if being born into a certain country means you must be this or that, or the people in your country are placed into a stereo type definition, and now me as my country have to fit into that stereo type of person.

MY country is so though, my country is dumb, my country is intelligent, my country is uneducated, my country is poor, my country is rich, my county is sophisticated, my county has the best people, my country is uncool, my country is better than your country – here I am mentioning things we all have in mind at some point, and we take those generalizations about our countries or others and we make it part of ourselves, of our actions, of how we interact with others, and this is a limitation, it is within boundaries of who we can be, image the world as one.

So I suggest for us as a human race to overcome all the problems we face culturally or in religions, or within races or within any other things that separates you from the world, to let go of it, you were simply born into the country, into the body into the cultures, into the religions that you are now and could have easily been anything else if you were born somewhere else, and by this self-honest common sense reasoning let go off the separation of countries, of people of races or cultures and religions and realize, it isn’t you, you after death is what remains. And I can guarantee it’s none of what we are fighting for so strongly now as our limitations.

I am from South Africa, its a saying of reference, not a statement of who I am. I love South Africa's weather and the nature and the environments of nature and the sun are all references and likes, not who I am. I want to live here because it is fun here, it is joyous here sometimes, those are statements of preferences, not of who I am, who I am must be able to live anywhere and be the same, as death will be our final destination. did we live as one and as equals will be our test, did we manifest a life that is best for all life, those will be the things we take with after death as who we are.  

Day 477 – investigating self- Postponement

What does it mean to postpone, what is postponement, let me start at the beginning of what I have lived as postponement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone living and being utmost potential through not applying myself within the most basic and simple tools such as Breathing, and to postpone the physical action of focusing on my breathing because I want to rather focus on what I have been living and giving my attention to for the past two decades which is the mind and thus as my limited potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I cannot right now do this, live my utmost potential, as I still have to focus on so many other points first, and to within this postpone what is here as me as my utmost potential and thus rather focusing on all the problems and all the things I still make myself believe I have to walk through before I can be my utmost potential, and thus creating all that I make myself believe that I still have to walk through before I can be my utmost potential an excuse and thus a postponement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use postponement as a reason for me to not to have to do something right now just because I have a bead feeling within me regarding what I have to do right now that is here, and to create many reasons and excuses that seem relevant and real (even if I really just pull them out of my ass) through using the physical reality and creating “real” points that will not really bloc me from doing what I can do just so that I can protect the feeling within me that is negative, and not having to go to this negative feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone what is here and that I can take responsibility for and to limit myself just because I have a bad feeling on my belly about something that is within my mind, a specific secret fear that I am not sharing with anyone, because it is so small within me that I fear even mentioning it will make me seem weak and small, so I rather postpone what needs to be done and make up so many excuses as I fear doing what needs to be done now by me can reveal this fear to others and mostly to myself, where I experience it within me consistently within doing t5he task at hand, my it be talking to a person, or cutting the grass or doing a phone call for business, or writing this blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone what is here to do as a point that requires a response from someone to move and with me being in the current position to respond to take self-responsibility I will rather not do it right now and postpone till another time when it fits me or when I am feeling that the moment is right, the moment isn’t right now, it is wrong now, so I must wait till how I experience myself within myself change and then I can do what needs to be done, but by that time it’s to late and the moment is gone and the point that needed responses in the moment has not lost its universal connection of possibilities, it is now contaminated by postponement and the flower that didn’t get its water but a day before is now dead the next day, so the room stink up, the bees has no food, and the sun has nowhere to send its ray to, and the only reason the flower didn’t get its water is because someone was to busy sitting on the couch in fear of missing a TV show for the life of a flower.

THUS

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I postpone something within my day I am not just postponing what needs to be done, I am postponing a universal movement, a movement that has to do with more than just me, it has to do with the proce4ss of LIFE and where all life is inter connected, and the moment I postpone even the simplest moment I am harming many other connections/relationships that reality consists of consistently and thus postponing the process of life and helping those that has no idea of this process and or can do nothing about it due to their position in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish within my actions within the ignorant belief that what I do effects only me, and that I have the right to only do things when I feel like it, never considering, within a business, within a relationship, within a family, within a community and thus within this world, everything I do or do not do within every aspect of my life that is interconnected to all life, like throwing a pebble into a pond, or not throwing it, are we creating or waiting, and what are we creating or what are we waiting for, either options is creation, just directly or indirectly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that my postponement is a side effect of who I am – it is me as a product and on the label it says, side effects may be postponement of using this product, created over time by all aspects of my life, and thus I can see that this who I am can be changed through the fact that I accepted and allowed this who I am now to be, so I can undo it and create myself as my utmost potential, which will be a product of life, one that functions as and for life, no postponement is possible because my movement is who I am, not a side effect of how I feel or think, but what is here, what is practical what is best.

Examples lived,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone eating food during the day, due to me being within the mind within a consistent state of stress and worry about what I need to do and getting to it, and to within this tire myself out before I can ever get to doing what needs to be done because my body is tired and does not have energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone going to bed at night due to worrying about time and not having enough personal time to get to personal things that I would like to do and to within this end up going to bed to late and struggling to wake up, thus...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone waking up when I hear my alarm within the through of I did not get enough sleep and to within this get to work to late and thus not having enough time to eat and to get to supporting my body properly from the get go and to have an effective day within moving myself and thus going into stress.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone getting to the actual movement of my day once I have done all the planning and all the small things that requires to be done within the morning, such as doing the phone calls and the emails and the trips to appointments and making my life prosper within self-movement due to now lacking energy and being stuck within an anxiety where I have rushed myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone taking actions within my life to correct my consistent errors that I am aware of yet continue falling into the traps, due to me wanting to hold on to some personal points of self-interest such as having my time at night, instead of making that clear cut decision of going to bed at a certain time to get that six hours of sleep in to be able to wake up early and to have a breakfast and to support myself for the day physically and to move myself and direct myself instead of being trapped within energies and emotions/feelings that is the consequences of my actions that I did not direct and take self-responsibility for due to postponing, saying I will correct it tomorrow, I will do it tomorrow, I will get to it tomorrow, I am still okay, I am still fine so I can start with it tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone my life and to not direct my life to be the best potential that it can be so that I can life the best of my potential and still discovering myself within the process.

Day 476 - What are you waiting for?

This blog is inspired by a song from Nickelback called what are you waiting for. The first time I heard this song was while I was driving in the car a couple of weeks ago, It was a regular day like any other, doing what I do, but what I do has a higher purpose , and I have been walking this process of living/doing what’s best for all for seven years now, and it is has been quite a journey.

I can say within walking a certain Journey for many years has brought very interesting point to light within me and within the world we live in, especially changing how I live, changing who I am through applying myself in all ways within living a new set of principles, principles that previously in my life I have never even thought of even one of these principles as being possible, I had to be introduced to these principles and through my own application I saw for myself that they in fact work as what is best for all life.

Now within seven years of walking a journey to a new life, and re-birthing myself as new life, and thus expanding myself to do whatever I can this life, as I only have this one life, to apply myself in all possible areas to bring about a world that is best for all life, I have faced dozens of challenges.

The biggest challenge I have ever faced within my Journey, my process, IS ME. My mind and my patterns and who I am has been the greatest challenge of all, I have walked through so many layers over and over within myself. I have wondered sometimes when will this end, when will I stop the fear and the patterns constructed within self-interest (fear) and start living and start standing and moving things within the world and get things done, the things that matter to all life, so that we can change this world to what is best for all this life, I don’t have a next chance, it is now or never.

As I was driving in the car, with heavy traffic all around me, thus driving slow. I decided to turn the radio on to see if there is any news or a song that’s actually worth listening to. And with my surprise the radio presented announced that there is new song they are playing today from Nickelback. NOW I do not like Nickelback, so as I was focused on the traffic I did not switch off the radio as I wanted to do, and this new song started playing.

At first it did not sound like the usual Nickelback song, so I turned up the volume and started actually LISTENING to the words of the song, and within a minute I was in tears while driving, the song has triggered some hidden emotional buildup within me that I have been aware of, just never focused on the point and dealt with it properly.

I got emotional and did not suppress the point, I embraced the moment to actually see what is here as the point, since I wasn’t willing to look at it myself and something external had to support me to see what’s here.

While I was in tears (not sobbing or anything, just tears rolling down with my mouth doing that funny trembling thing), I felt something opening up within me, a realization.

The realization was – WHAT AM I WAITING FOR – this point of not trusting myself, not standing one hundred percent in confidence within myself within pushing what I know it real, not fearing falling but doing it, not fearing mistakes and to be willing to believe in myself, to make it happen this life, there is only this life.

I have been stuck in a BIGGER pattern hat I did not want to look at, the pattern was the seven years that has already gone by, this patterns is the pattern of time, the test of time, who I was and who I am here, why have I given up within myself halfway, doing everything halfway, why did I stop believing in what I KNOW WORKS for a fact and that is best for all life, why did I go into this waiting mode, there is truly no excuse, I am here to LIVE my life, my life is the purpose, the dream of a world that is best for all life. And I will never quite this dream, because it is real, and not a fantasy, I am living proof of this dream that can be for everyone, so what am I waiting for??

The song made me question myself, the song simply said many times, what are you waiting for, and the opening up within myself was – I am waiting for myself to actually live, to express and to be true to what I stand for.

And the tears was a forgiveness of what I have been allowing as my mind as ALL the excuses and all the fears and all insecurities and all the self-judgments, the excuses are always based on mind points, never real, not real physical things. And I even made real physical things my limitations which can simply be viewed differently with changing my perspective and overcoming the limitation to move myself to not go into a waiting lethargic state.

It has been a couple of weeks and the realization is still in action, I am living, I am breathing I am moving, I am learning and making mistakes and learning, I am moving past fear of failing, this live it the one life we have to make a change, I alone cannot do this, but as a group we can accomplish anything, as long as we are not waiting.

Please listen to the song and get perspective.

Day 475 – Where is my Life Force?

Tonight I started writing this blog from a negative point of view, I did not slow down and I did not breathe to even notice what I was doing automatically. So I did slow down and I did breathe, I took that step after I did not take it, I deleted what I have already written and I really took a look at what am I doing right now, who am I within my mind at this moment? I noticed I was in a negative judgmental state about myself.

It is, as if every time I am assessing myself in the present moment I do so by taking my entire life, my entire past, but only all of that which is negative and bring it HERE and I place judgment onto myself, and then from within doing so I am actually placing this mountain on my shoulders, and then after I have done that I now feel I have enough to write about, I mean just LOOK at all the things wrong with me. Now I have good writing material.

I wanted to write about where is my life force – and tonight I want to write about where my life force is, I am going to write about me and my life force, instead of me and nagging about where is it, why do I not have it – because I am actually looking at it that way within my mind, so that is all that I can see, ignoring ALL my of me, denying myself as LIFE force here.

I am here, regardless of my form, I am here, in living or death, I am here, I am the life that surrounds me and that I am, I am not separate from anything here, the force of LIFE is who I am. I have not yet realized this or lived it at all, yet I am pushing myself within a process of rebirth, and as we know giving birth is a though and painful thing, taking acre of a baby can also be very hard. Yet in time, in breathe it is done eventually, we don’t know when – but I am making peach within the fact that it will be done I simply continue pushing till it’s done.

Pushing with the flow and directing the flow, not pushing as in forcing anything, to force something as I have been shown is to go against what is here and works at this moment and will only end up harming and breaking.

I have been pushing myself for the past few weeks beyond limited thinking patterns that has been conditioned onto me or by me, about how I must act or behave within or about certain topics or scenarios or events, and I have taken myself into the point of creation. Let me give an example.

Three nights ago I did not get much sleep at all, due to Cesar (my son) not sleeping well during the night due to teething and going through a lot of pain, my wife did not get much sleep either, even less than me, yet the next day I had to go to work – so in the morning I woke up very tired and a bit late, within this I felt stress coming up within me as I had to be at the office already for our usual morning meeting – this was me following my usual thinking pattern and how I must experience myself within it all.

As I go to the office I sat down and I had to wait for the others to arrive, so it turned out I wasn’t the latest – in that time I just sat there and breathed, in the moment of breathing I took my entire day within me and I could already see how it was playing out, me getting tired and feeling shitty all day, not being able to focus or take in all the required information and act upon it.

Within seeing this I decided that it isn’t necessary, because I can see it it means I can change it, I decided that I will instead experience myself differently, in fact I will decide for the rest of the day how I experience myself – thank you very much, and this did not mean that I now have to avoid or ignore or sidestep certain people, it meant that I took the responsibility of how I experience myself within me and I made it my own, as it is.

So during the day my situation changes, people change and where I am change and usually all these changes influence how I experience myself, in other words how much life force I have, because I have connected life force to how I experience myself. And every time thing change I would notice how I go into the reconditioned thinking patterns and experiences, but I made the decision to decide how I experience myself, so each time I took the moment and I decided for myself.

Eventually the day turned out okay and that night I was only able to go to bed at 12:30 pm, because I did not start my day off with a memory of the night before or let it influence my day or who I am, I stood in each moment new and breathing, even if the predetermined thinking took over for a while I eventually moved and directed myself out and stood as my own directive principle.

I am still doing this within all areas of my life, till I stand as the only thing moving me.

For instance – I make an agreement with myself – when I go home I do not turn up at home tired, I am alive and awake to participate with what is at home, and this agreement has been quite supportive and how I participate within/during my days, because it makes me re-evaluate what I am participating within as who I am, is it the mind or is it HERE as the life force that I am.