Day 300 - Not good enough character.

After a few weeks now at my new job I have come to see allot of myself, who I have accepted and allowed myself to be. It is quite revealing to see the characters come out to play, and they come out without even me being able to stop them, it is 'natural ‘to who I am so to say, but it is obviously not natural.



I am at work I am having fun, I have confidence and I trust myself, I am moving and directing myself, I am doing my job good, not yet perfect, I am still training, I am direct with the people around me and I am standing equal to them.



Then the manager comes, suddenly I turn into the Goofy guy, I lose focus and I keep on smiling and 'pretend ‘A lot more to be 'happy'- like this will impress the boss/manager.



For the manager I will do anything he asks of me, without question, like I MUST do it to keep him happy, I must be obedient at all costs, and look so willing, I have talked about this point before and written about it, but the point that I see here is that it isn’t specific to one person, it is to all the people in the world that I have given this power to over me, and It is irritating.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give authority to certain people in my life to define me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give the power to certain other people in my world to define me as I know that if I give them that power then they will accept me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to those who accept me.





I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek acceptance from authority.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to specifically built my characters according to that which I have observed that the authority accepts and allows just so that I can be accepted and thus be in the good books.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up my integrity to bend and fold myself according to what the authorities want to be happy with me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I am in the presence of authority to go into fear of not being liked and thus being in danger of losing my job.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see authority to fear not being accepted and to thus go into compromise to for a moment PLAY a role that is submissive and obedient in all ways.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show myself as weak in the presence of authority so that the authority can feel like the authority and thus be happy.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being myself in the presence of authority and that being myself will not be accepted.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing my strong stable side and independence to authority in the fear that the authority might find it intense.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving off an intense presence of who I am.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might lose my job if I am not happy around the authority and that the authority might find me useless if I am not



I can’t seem to find that one point, the point I am missing, the character has become me to such an extent.



It is a point of not being good enough. That I can see, maybe I am looking for to much and thus confusing myself. I will stick to this one point for now.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being good enough.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when and as I am in the presence of authority that the Idea/belief I have of myself as not being good enough intensifies as I see authority as people that is experts and can see anything of me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Make my fears and insecurities about the authorities and thus give the power to change myself away to authorities.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am not good enough.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I can never be good enough.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am incapable of ever being good at anything and thus fear the authority as being able to see this and then within this give into the fear and submit like a puppy to authority.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into being submissive when and as I see I lack confidence as a way to protect myself from being seen as having no confidence as the character of submissiveness will do anything that is pleasing and as long as I am pleasing everyone is happy and thus will not see my low self confidence which is a weakness.





I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as having not self confidence when and as I am in the eyes of authority.



To be continued, more investigation will come into this point.