Day 276 – Self Doubt - Part 1

we are building a tank, I am in a group of people, we are all taking part in a new task, it is requested that a few of us take a point of responsibility on within in the new task, I put my hand up and I say with confidence that I will take it on, someone in the group makes a sound – Umm, ok cool that you are willing to try. I reacted to the umm sound, I took it on as the other person doubting me and me being unable to do it, like the other person knows something about me that I don’t, that will be the reason for me not being able to and fail. I was confident within myself taking on the one point of responsibility till someone else responded not as I would have wanted it.

So what did I expect, what was my want/desire in that moment that I agreed to the responsibility within confidence?

I wanted everyone to react positively and to believe in me and to have faith within me and to see me capable and able. The response was different as a negative feedback. This showed me that my starting point wasn’t self honest and who I was/am within the moment of taking on the responsibility wasn’t self honest and thus it was all for the energy of the moment and seeking more energy. The point is to change the starting point and to be self honest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a point of responsibility from the starting point of wanting to prove myself to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take on a point of responsibility from the starting point of being self honest with myself and what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a point of responsibility from the starting point of wanting/desiring a positive feedback/energy experience, seeing and realizing that such a experience/feedback is temporarily and the responsibility is long termed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to raise my hand and voice in confidence in the moment that I experience a high in energy to take on a long term responsibility, not seeing and realizing that the energy high will go away and that I will still be in the position I voted myself in to as being responsible for that certain point and then I will have to face myself and the responsibility and what is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I have a temporary energy high of excitement to do something that I will in that moment be high and thus not be able to first consider that real actual physical implications and to then assess and make a decision that is clear and with the starting point of self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on points of responsibility from the starting point of wanting others to believe in me, seeing and realizing how I have placed believing in myself out side of myself and that it is something I must get from others through confirming it within me first before I can believe in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not believe in myself and to give to myself the breathes and the discipline and the focus as breathing to prove to myself that I can believe in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear believing in myself first and to then live the Belief within me to Be Life as me where I give myself the breathes that is required to walk to be life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I first require others to believe in me before I can be Life within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from being Life within me through seeking being Life within others through what I give myself fort to be in moments that seem big and important such as taking on responsibility to get the energy feedback from others as a thumbs up to only then be allowed to be Life within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek within others what I can give to myself as appoint of fearing that if I give it to myself that it will not be real, seeing and realizing that I can also never trust what I receive from others. Thus it is best to give to myself the Believe in myself and to then live it physically and practically as that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself up for taking on points of responsibilities before I even believe in myself and to only then afterward deem myself capable if the feedback from others were positive, and to within this react in opposite when and as the feedback is negative and to still be with the responsibility and to take on the task/point in a manner of doing it half.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself through seeking for a positive energy feedback from others when and as I put my hand up and voice myself as taking on a responsibility and to then when I do not find what I seek but instead the opposite to also compromise the responsibility I took on and the group as I feel to proud to say NO I cant in the fear of others seeing me as less then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on points of responsibility from the starting point of fear, where I feel less than others and want to see if others agree with me or not through putting my hands up in moments that “count and to see what others response is as the feedback is what I use to determine for myself who I will define myself as, seeing and realizing that this is self abuse and not best for all, as I am creating scenarios where I set myself up to create my fear and to validate it through responses that I create. Seeing and realizing that I define who I am and thus no one else is required and that I can through my practical living and application proof only to myself who I am as I am always with myself as who I am and that this will determine what I do as my self-honesty.

To be continued.