Day 342 – Self transformation to be a father Part 1

I have been considering a lot of thing ever since I found out I am going to be a father of a child, a Tiny little human being coming into this world.

Everything I have been doing for the last two months since finding out have been magnified. All my bad habits and shitty patterns that I have been accepting and allowing within me for so long is now even bigger within me, because I have realize one thing.

My child WILL learn from me.

It is truly that simple, it isn’t more, so Who I am within all of me is extremely important, and when I say who I am I mean me in fact, not a pretentious me that is pretending to characters and personalities, mean me in fact, inside and out.

And I realize daily it isn’t much longer then the child will be here, The baby is already being trained/learning on a cellular level, I mean cells are alive, they are right now at this moment building the baby into a specific form with the coding DNA that is has from me and my partner, that in itself is already here as the DNA.

Every day when I see my partner I know that who I am towards her as who I am is already effecting the baby, it is common sense, the baby is literally part of her, the baby is being created within her, the baby is of her and a tiny part of me, the baby if using all of my partners body where necessary to develop him/her self.

This by itself shows that my words as the sounds that I speak when my partner is within a certain range of her will be heard by the baby, by the body, the cells and the water of the baby, it is how it works, it isn’t like the baby is protected from it all, it is all taking effects at a quantum physical level, through the sounds, through what my partner is experiencing the baby is also experiencing, they are currently still one body.

Besides that point, I now see all my habits/patterns, I see where I am lazy and where I am postponing and all those things that I know when the baby is here and I do not correct those point that it will become the child, it will be picked up, it will be taught, it will have an effect.

For example, my room has wires from the computers and stuff laying low on the floor and there are sharp table sides and there are cups standing on the tables and there are shoes and bags laying on the floor and there are open dustbins standing next to the desks and cupboards with no doors and there are little screws on the floor and coins laying at random spots and the floor isn’t really that clean, I would not lick it and all these things that I now notice.

When I see these things I KNOW that when the baby is here it cannot be that way, it must be fixed, because the baby will interact with the physical reality on all levels possible, licking and sucking and biting and touching and crawling and all those things anywhere and with all things possible.

And all the things that I am now noticing is “natural things” that is normal to lay around, it is parts of me that is laying around or still existing within my world because of who I am, to lazy to pick up the nail on the floor with a justification of it won’t hurt anyone, it is fine there for now, and the dustbin all open, it does not affect me so it’s all right for now, or the empty cups on my desk that can be thrown down and break and then cut the baby, its pure laziness for not putting it away where it is designed to be again after use.

And all the cables laying open all over, t does not matter of the baby is coming now or in ten years really, it is a matter of living a principal, always in consideration of what is here.

I was given a great perspective once, about four years ago here on the farm just as I started working outside, we were cleaning the one garden and then I said I am done. Then Bernard came to me and he said, are you sure you are done, I said yes it looks done, he said it does not matter how it looks, is it done, can you put a child/baby in this garden and you will know the child/baby is 100% save.

I then reconsidered my answer and I said NO, Bernard then said, okay make sure that is it save enough that a child can play here and nothing will be able to harm the child, isn’t that what it means to be a responsible parent, to make sure that you bring your child into a world where there is nothing that can harm your child.

I also then realize how fucked up this world is because there is ONLY harm within this world awaiting any child around all corners, and that there is NO responsible parents in this world, we can take self-responsibility currently for our own environments if we can afford it, seeing that safety is linked to money instead of a human right as it is supposed to be and then change the world so that every child of all species/races all life will have a Save environments to grow up within, and that in its obvious conclusion will create a save world, because we like to do onto others as they have done onto us (currently everyone with money is basically asking to be killed). If we are cared for we will care and then it becomes do onto others as you would like to be done onto automatically, but NO one is caring, its survival and competition and self-interest and ignorance everywhere, I was raised in a world where there was a constant threat on my life and still is, Rape/murder/war/poverty/starvation/habitat loss fucking name it.

So here I am, a father to be, I see my design, This is my design that I am taking on to change so that I know I can honor myself, have self-respect.
To be continued.

Day 341 - The man Symbol Part 1

I am watching a new series called rectified, it is about a prisoner that was on death row that now got set free after twenty years, so this is guy is now out and about in the world again and everything seems strange to him, and he has lost a lot of human interaction ability, he is slowish and quite and still old style from his time in his life, he was send to prison for raping and killing a girl and now found to not be guilty of the crime.

I am writing here about a certain scene that took place, where this guy which is the main character talk to other guy and he gives the other guy a experience of what happened in prison, this part was something that hit me and why I am writing this blog post today.

The main character was giving a play by play memory experience to the other guy of how he basically got raped in the showers in prison. It was interesting to hear this and to see the experiences that came up within me in relation to such an experience/situation.

He mentioned how he was one morning walking to the showers, and as he turned on the water and started showing a group of other men came in in, he said that you believe you can do something and stop it, yet you can not, and while it is happening you can make yourself believe that you are defending or fighting for some kind of a symbol that you hold of what a man is supposed to be. But it just continue and continue and continue, and there is nothing you can do, and then as quick as the men came in they are out and you stand up from the floor, the water is still running and you just continue showering and you put your cloths on and the guards is still near by,

I found it interesting how I actually placed myself within such a situation and I took myself there where I could see the MIND stuff that would have gone on within me if such an situation would have been happening to me, and I saw this symbol of manhood that I carry with me, and how that would have been one of the actual only fears facing within such a event, because my entire life I have defined myself and limited myself according to @manhood@ and what it is and stand for.

This is where I see that a even such as a gang rap would completely destroy such self definitions of manhood, and the symbol of manhood within me, and yet it is only of the mind once again, physically the body is abused, the body is being tortured and being raped, but anything else attached to what is happening within the mind is what creates separation as fear towards and within such an event.

To be Continued.

Day 340 - Authority complex Part 1

Why do I make every person in my Life the authority of me, let me answer my own question for myself.

As I was writing out that sentence another sentence popped up in my head, like the little naughty me saying “ because then I can manipulate people to like me, giving them power over me and then use that power once they like me to manipulate them into what I want.

Ok that came out quite clear lol, just like that, self-honesty in a moment, being honest with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Give authority to others over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to have authority over me because I have learned as a child when I do that it makes the other person almost immediately likening me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use authority as a weapon to manipulate others into liking me, because I gave them a position of power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the weakness of others as their cravings for power as authority against them through giving them authority over me deliberately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I can always get away with it, not seeing and realizing that if I keep on doing this I will one day get stuck in such a position and there might be no way out .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that if I give another human being authority over me within the attempt to later on use that power and turn it against the other being as helping me/being kind to me, doing something for me, being my friend at the cost of having to be a slave for the other person that someday I might do it to the wrong person and then I might be a slave to the position for real and no way out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the consequences of submitting myself to everyone in my world just to be accepted and to be liked and the long term consequences of that that I will never have and develop self-respect and self-honor as all my actions is of self-diminishment just for the purpose of being liked and to be accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that when and as I give others authority over me that I can use that to turn the power against them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose self-respect for myself because I never took the position of authority over myself but instead give it away to others to use me and to abuse me and to within that make myself believe that after all the use and abuse it will somehow pay off as I was a good boy, and therefore good boys get rewards, seeing and realizing that once the other person has become comfortable within having authority over me that it will not stop unless I stop it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT develop self-honor for myself for standing as my own authority and directing and moving myself and to not do everything I do just to be liked/accepted but because I see within self-honesty that it needs to be done or said even if someone else do not like it and that I might be dislike, but at least I will have my self-honor for who I am and doing what is best for all life.

To be continued.

Day 339 - Self-Interest is Ignorant to consideration Part 4

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I walk/move/participate within my day to be in my mind, to focus on my thoughts and create feelings/emotions within me and to be focused on the feeling and emotions as being real, and to within this have no actual consideration possible within my physical reality and how I move and participate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself for not being focused and in full consideration of my physical reality as I participate within and as my mind instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my thoughts/feeling/emotions real within me through giving them attention, seeing and realizing that when and as I do not give my thoughts/feelings/emotions attention that they suddenly stop and have no more source of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my energy to my thoughts/feelings/emotions and to within this have no physical energy during the day and thus get tired and so start to lose focus and not being able to consider everything within and as how my physical reality functions/Works and thus make mistakes that is unnecessary and that bears consequences unwanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not act and to not move within and as the physical when and as I see I can and to instead give value to how I feel and to let that direct me, seeing and realizing that within this I am making and defining the feelings/emotions/thoughts to be my creator, when in fact I am the creator of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create thoughts/feelings/emotions and to then make myself believe that they came to me and that it must mean something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give meaning and purpose to my thoughts/feelings/emotions as the mind as energy as a way/justification to not take full responsibility for myself and my physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my ability that I know I have if I take full self-responsibility for my reality and when and as I then have full consideration within and as the physical as myself, because I know that if I have full consideration at all times as myself as the physical that I have to act/take responsibility for all the points I see.

To be continued.

Day 338 Self Interest is Ignorant to consideration. Part 3

Part 1
Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within my mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions where I lose myself and create all these different experiences for myself during my day that only compromises.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unable to consider that I am the problem participating within my mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions when and as I am blaming and pointing fingers at others for being the problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame other people for how I experience myself within and as situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create situation for myself within my actions/words/behaviors of blaming other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that what is going on within me internally will have an effect within my world and how I participate and do things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that when and as I blame others for what is happening within me as my experiences as my thoughts/feelings/emotions that I am giving them power over me, as they apparently have power to create me and thus what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within me within seeing and realizing that I have been all along creating my reality within how I participate within my internal reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that even now after seeing and realizing this point for myself actually that I will forget and then it will just continue as before, and thus nothing change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe as my stabilizer and to always stop the mind no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “forget” to stop my thoughts/feelings/emotions when and as they are here and consuming me within self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “forgetting” as an excuse to the actual truth, that I enjoy having thoughts within my mind where I can just blame others for how I experience myself , because I know that I in fact have to take self-responsibility for the thoughts/feeling and emotions within me and that it requires walking the talking which takes effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy blaming others and to enjoy the self-righteousness energy feeling that I gain from within blaming and how I feel that I am empowering myself from a mind perspective, meanwhile I am actually in fact giving away all my actual physical power to move and direct myself effectively within reality and only compromise ALL my relationships.

To be continued.

Day 337 – Self-interest is ignorant to Consideration Part 2

Continuing from Day 336 - self interest is ignorant toconsideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I am within self-interest I narrow myself down to not be able to consider anything besides my self-interest and thus limited myself within my actual physical participation within reality and my effectiveness within applying myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-interest as the INNER world of me and to focus on only my inner world and what I am experiencing, seeing and realizing that when and as I give my focus to my inner world as myself self-interest then I can obviously not focus on the physical actual reality/world and be effective within applying the physical as myself, and thus have consequences that flow out from my actions such as forgetting or missing out key points/steps within doing/fulfilling a task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my INNER world so important and what I experience that it controls everything I do and even who I am, and thus accordingly control my every move and how I do things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that whe4n and as I focus on my internal reality that is of multiple dimensions at all times as feelings/emotions/thoughts/back-chat etc. that I will miss the obvious within my physical reality and thus continue to make mistakes instead of learning from them and correcting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for making the same mistake over and over again, seeing and realizing that I have to stop all forms of the mind that will attempt to keep me in the mind such as self-judgment to be able to stop the mind and to breathe and focus my abilities within and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see within the common sense that when and as I am not within and as the physical one and equal within my participation that I will not learn to understand the physical effectively, as I do see and realize that the physical functions in actual physical steps within physical processes that take place such as the equality equation of 1+1=2 and that to see the actuality of this I must actually live and breathe in and as my body one and equal within and as the physical where I can take in all that is here in consideration in and as the physical and accordingly take physical actions as required, and not skip steps and ignore certain steps that is vital because I will for instance be in the mind as self-interest and only be focused on what I FEEL like doing or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when and as I am in the mind participating within and as energy as thoughts as memories that I will only be able to see the mind and not the physical as the real actual participant.
To be continued.

Day 336 – self-interest is ignorant to consideration Part 1

Today was “workers Day” which is a public holiday, so I had a off day, I did not have to do anything, yet I did some stuff on the farm. I had this entire day ahead of me to do anything I set myself to.
I decided to take down a fence, this fence formed part of an old chicken camp, it is quite big, and all the chickens that was in there has been chased out to the Bigger camp next to this camp, the purpose is to extend our Yard which is pretty small at the moment.

So I had the day off and I saw that I can use the time to be practical and get things done, within myself I saw that taking the fence down was what I wanted to do, so let me do it.

I first went to a couple of people to discuss what I want to do just to be clear on the points involved, so when I spoke to people, the point that came up was – where is the chickens that used to be in that camp, and do they have a new home.

The common sense points that was revealed to me that I did not see myself as I was in the sight of self-interest as to what I wanted to do, instead of what needs to be done, was that it is fucking WINTER, how did I not miss that obvious consideration, and the chickens that was chased from their homes do not have a new place to stay, so 1+1=2 chickens outside chased from home in the middle of winter with temperatures of minus four coming, they will die, or have a great possibility of dying.

I was given the common sense that it is NO different from taking humans from their homes and chasing them outside, the first and most important point is to GIVE shelter/safety the humans/chickens and then to only afterwards pursue on the mission.

how did I not take in consideration the chickens as myself, as living beings, and equally consider for them what i would consider for myself and to implement it, to create it, to do it as I would have done for myself, wanted for myself. 

The points I saw within my self-interest was, I can take the fence down today, it will be quick and then it will be done, that I the time I have for today to do something.

BUT that whole statement was a Justification, it was self-interest.

If I did not use the sight of self-interest but instead of seeing what is here within the physical, then I would have seen the following, which is stating the obvious.

Here is a camp; there were chickens within this camp, where are the chickens now? Do the chickens have a new cam?, does the new camp have food and water? Does the new cam have a HOME/shelter, for safety, IT is winter, it is getting cold, does the chickens have a home that will protect them from the cold/frost, and accordingly I should have taken self-directive steps to secure the obvious common sense points, and only then proceed to taking off the fence, because then I would have known, I can do this, it is now the right time to do it.

So, after the obvious was made clear to me, I felt like shit, because I saw who I was within wanting o do something, I only wanted to do something that would fit my self-interest, I only wanted to what I felt like doing, I only wanted to make myself feel good for doing something.

I felt stupid, because when the obvious was made clear to me, it was so fucking obvious I could not believe that I could not have seen it myself, how in the world did I miss it all… I then had back chat that was attempting to secure myself self-interest, but I know better, I stopped and I breathed and I instead moved myself to the other points.

I went to the new camp the chickens were in, I looked around to see what I can do, what IS here and what requires to happen, I saw that they do have one new cage, But it was pretty small, So I looked at the other obvious points, I wasn’t going to build an entire new cage today in one day, so I looked at what is here already and can be used, it is turning winter and the chickens will not breed, and we have quite a big broiler room, where we usually put new born babies to keep them warm, which hasn’t been used for a long time, So I cleaned it out and I started creating a new room for the chickens, it can take at least fifty chickens, to sleep in and be warm, and after I completed that, I then went on to taking down the fence, I did not finish that, but I did start.

So now the next step is to start a new cage ANYWAY, I will when I have the time start, and little by little I will complete a new cage and then we can be sure to also have a broiler room again.
And I will as I have time continue taking down the fence.

I have learned a lot once again on Desteni farm, after not working on the farm for almost three months now as I am in car sales now working in town, I learned a ton more in a matter of one day, about myself and how shit works.
To be continued on SF.