Day 50 – I have a crush on you, back to self.

This is a continuation from Day 49 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek in secret acceptance from another where the being within my mind as a secret crush accepts me completely as who I am, realizing that it is me who has to accept me and forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept me and to appreciate me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create secret crushes on certain girls within my world whom I have judged as superior and more than me, and to take them within my mind into a relationship where they accept me and appreciate me in the totality of me as to making myself feel better about myself due to my own self judgments. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create secret crushes within my mind with girls where I can within my mind literally create and make up the other being as I want her to be to not judge me and to “ONLY” accept me, realizing that I do this in separation of what I have judged myself as and have accepted and allowed myself to be as who I am and through creating someone separate within my mind to instead accept me so that I do not have to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to literally make the girl I have a secret crush with in my mind somehow miraculously not judge all the same self judgments I have about myself and accept me for who I am exactly where i do not accept myself  realizing that this is only me seeking to hide behind fantasies and hopes instead of facing myself as my own self judgments and my own insecurities and to stand one and equal as who I am in and as the physical where my mind bullshit will not determine who I am, but I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to create secret fantasy crushes on girls within my mind to make myself feel good about myself, realizing it is only temporary and in my mind lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create secret mind crushes on girl that I prefer to be in a relationship with yet I fear actually being in a relationship with such girl, thus I create it all in my mind as if I have a chance, realizing that I do this to not have to face my actual manifested self judgments that I have created about myself towards such girls that I fear being in a relationship with, as I have done this within separation within the mind as thoughts/beliefs/ideas about others in comparison with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create some girls more than others within my world according to what I belief I like and want due to programming as a child through the education and the media that I was in contact with and so create only secret crush in relation to girls that I believe are the one's for me through utilizing the knowledge and information that was imprinted within me as what to like and dislike.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and make girls more within my mind then what they are within and as the physical, realizing that within his I am only compromising myself and all relationships I have with all people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place special value on certain girls within my life as being more or special, realizing that this can only be so within my mind as within the physical there is only flesh one and the same and anything more or less is all made up in my mind.

I commit myself to stop all fantasy/desires within my mind that I create about girls that I have secret crushes on through writing and self forgiveness to lay it all out for myself so that I can see the delusion and to from there start developing equal communication with all women/men and to not create and cause separation as more or less as and to live what is best for all life in all ways.

I commit myself to support myself within working on the points of desire/fantasy relationships that I create in my mind about certain girls as having a crush on them, and to stop the crushing of self and others within the mind through writing and self forgiveness and to stop the behavior that leads to all stalkers/rapists and to expose the mind as the evil it is, and that we have accepted something such as this as having secrets and secret crushes in our minds as normal behavior, and to bring to light the common sense that the same process and thoughts and feelings and desires and fantasies that I had that was seen as innocent is what rapist has before they rape, is what create stalkers and all kinds of mental people.

I commit myself to show and expose the mind that can only exist in secret as the evil it is, as the mind is hidden and in darkness where we all hide and talk to ourselves and think about stuff all alone, and that this simple points that expose the mind as it is should show everyone it is evil.

Day 48 - I have a crush on you, crushing you

Day 48 - I have a crush on you, crushing you

See how a crush on somebody is actually you crushing the being within your secret mind to accept you, to like you and to love you, having a crush on someone isnt far from how a rapist are born, the same process happens in the mind, some choose to follow the crush into a relationship and have sex, some forces the crush and the sex, but in the mind the thoughts, the play-out, the fantasies, the desire is all the same. Best to stop.

I had so many secret cruses on girls in my life, never having the guts to go up to them and introduce myself and start to know each other.

I kept the relationships all to myself in my head in secret, I would have probably spared myself hundreds of hours where I was stuck in my mind about some girl I had a crush on, if only I took the real time and went to talk with them and burst the fucking bubble relationship in my mind that consumed me and my life.

WHY - because I did not know the girls at all that I had secret crushes on, I only saw them, observed them, heard them. So everything about them that I like is made up in my mind - so the girl I have this secret crush on is literally everything I like because I am making her who I want her to be in my head where I only have my own limited knowledge/information and my own desires/fantasies etc that I now project onto her as if it is who she is and I like her for that, BUT when I go and talk to them it all goes away, because I realize what I created in my mind was all a delusion, and reality check is something different.

I never gave myself the reality check till I got older and wasted so much time in my mind

So why did I create secret crushes with girls in my mind within my environment, it was because I had certain insecurities, judgments, beliefs, ideas about myself that made me less than them in my mind, that made me feel like i will never in reality have a chance with them, and so I created it all in my mid, the secret crush was only a constant point of conformation to myself that I am not good enough, that I am less as I had to create the relationship within my mind and not in reality.

Time to end the mind relationship and create all relationships, realityships where all relationships are equal in and as the physical as life as that which is best for all, time to end the separation and mind fucks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than certain girls/women within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force girls in my mind in my secret relationships to like me and to accept me due to my own insecurities and not accepting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create secret relationships in separation of another being within my mind to feel acceptance through forcing the being within my mind to like me for who I am, realizing that the truth will be different and thus I compromise my communication within my world towards certain people as I know i am forcing the being in my secret mind to accept me and thus I will have shame and discomfort around them as I know I wasn't self honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not good looking enough for certain girls and therefore create relationships within my mind where they always accept me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create relationships within my mind where girls always accept me to not have to face the reality of myself as who have accepted and allowed myself to belief who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be within my own self judgments and beliefs and idea about myself when I am faced with in having to actually communicate with a girl that I have placed as more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create some girls as more than other within my mind through my own judgment and believes of myself projected onto them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be insecure around certain girl and not around others as this behavior is only confirming my own insecurities as being real, never realizing that it is only who i accept and allow myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have back chat and certain thoughts about certain types of girls and within this create my own fear and insecurities based on my back chat and thoughts that I had that is based on my own self judgment and beliefs of myself and so when i face the girls I experience the energies that I generated within my mind as the thoughts and back chat.

I forgive myself that i have not realized that when i experience a energetic vibrant feeling/emotion within my body when I talk to a certain girl that I am only experiencing my own generated energy that I build up within secret as my own back chat and thoughts that is built on my own self judgments and beliefs I created within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create feeling and emotions towards specific girls that I want/desire/fantasize about in order to make them more than me within my mind so that the relationship I create within my mind may feel special, as I now belief I am able to have a relationship with someone that I never thought could be possible in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire relationship to make me feel accepted and to through this desire create secret relationship within my mind where i am always accepted, realizing that it inst real and only a delusion that I am creating to hide from who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as self judgment.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that all secret relationships within my mind will always be perfect as they are designed and constructed to be in polarity with my own self judgments and beliefs and ideas about myself to make me feel better about myself, instead of realizing that I have to face who I am as who i have accepted and allowed myself to be and change to that which is best for all life and not on polarity and energy as they always run out and require new fulfillment instead of simply being here with in and as breath as life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to idolize certain women within my mind, realizing that within idolizing certain women I am creating a inferiority complex towards them and thus sabotaging myself within my world as I can not communicate with them or be a equal as them in the flesh, and thus I see that within idolizing some women above others due to physical characteristics I am supporting the beauty industry that makes billions of me as I will buy their magazines to simply watch and idolize women in separation of myself and self judgments of myself, companies know this and they will abuse it to make profits.

To be continued...

Day – 48 – bad boy continued.

This is a continuation of Day 47 – loving the bad boy

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when someone judges me as bad that it does not mean I am bad and therefore must now live as being bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I accept someone else calling me bad that I am actually not bad until I go out and do physical things in my life and create myself as bad deliberately within my actions, and thus it is not the other person to blame as I am clearly self responsible for my own actions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the bad boy personality is just another personality that I have created myself through my own self judgments and insecurities.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I went out and started living differently within acting out in life against the system as being bad within spitefulness that I was actually only harming myself as I set myself on the path of self destruction, instead of realizing that the system is fucked up and the current limited way of life where society imposes good and bad onto people through their own self created believes and idea on what is good and bad instead of living what is best for all life and thus instead realizing that I must be self honest and change the god damn system to what is best for all life and to not accept and allow a system that is fear based and judgmental towards life as normal.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the bad boy act/personality was part of my ticket to getting sex as I learned that girls like bad boys and so I pursuit in my journey of self destruction to fulfill one desire of obtaining sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that being a bad boy to spite others is actually me spiting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the bad boy live just happened to me, suppressing and denying all the actions I took within the physical as living and creating events situations to have certain experiences to upgrade myself to a bad boy as where I made it part of me, and thus it did not just happen to me, I am responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself believe I am a victim within who I am and become through my own actions that I take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within my actions as if I cannot stop myself as if I am forced to do the thing si do as the bad boy, realizing that I can simply stop and change as I am the one moving and directing myself to do the things I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the excitement of being a bad boy, realizing that the energy as excitement that I get from doing the bad boy things will run out and that I will seek it like a drug addict seeking his next hit, and that this will lead to me doing more and more extreme things that would lead to consequences that will harm me and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the physical consequences I am creating for myself and others within trying to be a bad boy in spitefulness towards those tat has judged me as bad, realizing that I am only harming myself in spite of the evidence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to break down relationships in my world and hurting others through my actions as being a bad boy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a asshole as the ad boy act personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  gossip about other people and being nasty to them just to keep up the bad boy act as being better more and less limited as a self created believe based on the idea I have created about myself as being a bad ass, realizing I am only placing my judgments as gossip and my insecurities on others and projecting myself on them to hide my own shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a jerk towards my fellow humans and animals and plants in the name of being s spiteful shit through not taking self responsibility for myself and who I am, and giving away myself responsibility to accept and allow others to influence me as who i am and live it out in blame and self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as spitefulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately abuse girls as the excuse of I am a bad boy – you should have expected it from me, realizing that I am within this only creating more consequences for myself as I break people and relationship around me till I am all alone and fucked within this world, realizing I created it for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body through drinking and drugs and fighting and doing crazy stunts to show off in the name of being a bad boy, realizing the physical consequences has a high price and then the bad boy will be a useless bag of meat at a early age or older.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in secret as a pretentious bad boy and to be a pretentious ass in front of others never finding out who I really am, as I decide who I am and not giving myself this chance through constantly feeding polarities on both ends missing myself completely.

I commit myself to look within my life where I access the bad boy personality and to see why, to write and to self forgive myself and to stop, to end the abuse caused within my world through spitefulness and blame and to take self responsibility as myself and to bring about a world that is best for all life and not what is based on stupid made up rules of right and wrong, but rather what is practical and best for all life (plants, animals, humans etc) and to stop the creation of mental unstable humans that has split personalities in secret and in front of others and create mental disorders that the medical industries and psychologist make billions off.

I commit myself to expose the current believes and rules of the world as it exist now as not being what is best for all life or any individual as it is based on fear and right and wrong and not what is best for all life as common sense but on stupid make believe ideas/opinions that is based on self interest and imprinted into the children and then play out as mental disorders where the child is constantly in a fight for what is write and what is wrong instead of real values and principles that is best for all life in all ways, thus establishing the equal money system is the path as the common sense system.

Day 47 - Loving the Bad Boy.

This is a follow up on my Blog 46 - I am a Bad Boy.

After accepting myself as being a Bad Boy through accepting and allowing certain events/experiences in my life to determine who I am instead of me and created self judgments and insecurities about myself I created myself as the bad boy - you know the type of guy that looks like he is hiding a secret side, actually you can see it, and you want to find out who that secret guy is, the bad boy.

I realized that girls in general liked the bad boy guys, the bad boy guys always ended up with the girls, so I obviously went out to become the bad boy.

Why do I say went out - because I had to actually now start doing physical things in my life that was seen/judged as bad, as not the usual thing people do/accept to be seen and done out in the open.

This is for instance smoking underage in secret, then it becomes more deliberate smoking in public, getting caught, building the personality through the events, designing myself accordingly, obviously just smoking isnt enough.

I had to do other things, weird thing, I had to get in trouble, I for instance started disrupting the class room and getting chased out, I started participating within groups of kids that seemed more bad such as fighting, swearing a lot, making out with girls in public, writing nasty stuff on walls bad mouthing other kids, teasing other kids, pushing other kids around, groups that did skateboarding.

I for instance went to the mall with some friends, these friends weren't in particular bad boy's, they were regular, so for me to stand out as a bad boy I would take condoms to the mall and fill them with water and roll them around, as regular people would react to this and find  it offensive, condoms are private things and here I am filling them water like it is big penises and rolling them around, then i would go  outside and chuck over the dustbins of the mall, and roll them into the street, obviously I did all of this with lots of laughter, like I was enjoying being spiteful and nasty towards the system.

Then It became more dangerous, i started stealing lots of stuff from different shops, what ever I wanted that could fit into my pockets.

I stole loads of money form people like drunk guys that leave their wallets open, I stole from family members, I stole money from working events, I really went all out, i would even get a couple of friends together that was regular people, and I would ask them do they each want bubble gum, they would say yes, so I would take my wallet out give it to one of them go into the shop and come out with bubble gum, to show them I stole it.

I even stole jewelry for girls and would give it to them as if it was my own hard earned money that I spend just for them.

I started carrying a army knife and knuckle busters to school in my bag and sometimes to the mall in my pants, just for in-case I start a fight or a fight comes to me.

Yet in-front of everyone else in my world I was someone else, like my parents and my friends parents, and my girlfriends parents and everyone else I wasn't "friends" with I was someone else, the bad boy was a secret self, hidden till it is night or I am with friends or alone.

I became addicted to fucking up my life, drinking was the most regular and most prominent part of my life that was increasing exponentially and becoming dangerous.

I stated cheating on all my girlfriend s and leave them after a a few months (2 months was my period)

The energy I got from being the bad boy through being nice and then erupting in moments as being bad, as a polarity game was addictive, as the small things loose their energy charge I had to do more and more and bigger and bigger things, it would have probably ended up as me doing loads of drugs, fighting a lot and being a asshole.

This si the part girls never seem to see, bad boys require excitement to forget about certain events experiences that they have accepted and allowed in their lives to determine who they are, instead of them breathing and forgiving themselves and decide who they are for themselves, and as the excitement runs out the bad boys will seek it out, and it will become dangerous and possession. Bad boys most likely turns into assholes of abusers.

The bad boy is a path of self destruction in the name of spitefulness.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when someone judges me as bad that it does not mean I am bad and therefore must now live as being bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I accept someone else calling me bad that I am actually not bad until I go out and do physical things in my life and create myself as bad deliberately within my actions, and thus it is not the other person to blame as I am clearly self responsible for my own actions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the bad boy personality is just another personality that I have created myself through my own self judgments and insecurities.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I went out and started living differently within acting out in life against the system as being bad within spitefulness that I was actually only harming myself as I set myself on the path of self destruction, instead of realizing that the system is fucked up and the current limited way of life where society imposes good and bad onto people through their own self created believes and idea on what is good and bad instead of living what is best for all life and thus instead realizing that I must be self honest and change the god damn system to what is best for all life and to not accept and allow a system that is fear based and judgmental towards life as normal.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the bad boy act/personality was part of my ticket to getting sex as I learned that girls like bad boys and so I pursue in my journey of self destruction to fulfill one desire of obtaining sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that being a bad boy to spite others is actually me spiting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the bad boy live just happened to me, suppressing and denying all the actions I took within the physical as living and creating events situations to have certain experiences to upgrade myself to a bad boy as where I made it past of me, and thus it did not just happen to me, I am responsible.

To be continued..