Day 47 - Loving the Bad Boy.

This is a follow up on my Blog 46 - I am a Bad Boy.

After accepting myself as being a Bad Boy through accepting and allowing certain events/experiences in my life to determine who I am instead of me and created self judgments and insecurities about myself I created myself as the bad boy - you know the type of guy that looks like he is hiding a secret side, actually you can see it, and you want to find out who that secret guy is, the bad boy.

I realized that girls in general liked the bad boy guys, the bad boy guys always ended up with the girls, so I obviously went out to become the bad boy.

Why do I say went out - because I had to actually now start doing physical things in my life that was seen/judged as bad, as not the usual thing people do/accept to be seen and done out in the open.

This is for instance smoking underage in secret, then it becomes more deliberate smoking in public, getting caught, building the personality through the events, designing myself accordingly, obviously just smoking isnt enough.

I had to do other things, weird thing, I had to get in trouble, I for instance started disrupting the class room and getting chased out, I started participating within groups of kids that seemed more bad such as fighting, swearing a lot, making out with girls in public, writing nasty stuff on walls bad mouthing other kids, teasing other kids, pushing other kids around, groups that did skateboarding.

I for instance went to the mall with some friends, these friends weren't in particular bad boy's, they were regular, so for me to stand out as a bad boy I would take condoms to the mall and fill them with water and roll them around, as regular people would react to this and find  it offensive, condoms are private things and here I am filling them water like it is big penises and rolling them around, then i would go  outside and chuck over the dustbins of the mall, and roll them into the street, obviously I did all of this with lots of laughter, like I was enjoying being spiteful and nasty towards the system.

Then It became more dangerous, i started stealing lots of stuff from different shops, what ever I wanted that could fit into my pockets.

I stole loads of money form people like drunk guys that leave their wallets open, I stole from family members, I stole money from working events, I really went all out, i would even get a couple of friends together that was regular people, and I would ask them do they each want bubble gum, they would say yes, so I would take my wallet out give it to one of them go into the shop and come out with bubble gum, to show them I stole it.

I even stole jewelry for girls and would give it to them as if it was my own hard earned money that I spend just for them.

I started carrying a army knife and knuckle busters to school in my bag and sometimes to the mall in my pants, just for in-case I start a fight or a fight comes to me.

Yet in-front of everyone else in my world I was someone else, like my parents and my friends parents, and my girlfriends parents and everyone else I wasn't "friends" with I was someone else, the bad boy was a secret self, hidden till it is night or I am with friends or alone.

I became addicted to fucking up my life, drinking was the most regular and most prominent part of my life that was increasing exponentially and becoming dangerous.

I stated cheating on all my girlfriend s and leave them after a a few months (2 months was my period)

The energy I got from being the bad boy through being nice and then erupting in moments as being bad, as a polarity game was addictive, as the small things loose their energy charge I had to do more and more and bigger and bigger things, it would have probably ended up as me doing loads of drugs, fighting a lot and being a asshole.

This si the part girls never seem to see, bad boys require excitement to forget about certain events experiences that they have accepted and allowed in their lives to determine who they are, instead of them breathing and forgiving themselves and decide who they are for themselves, and as the excitement runs out the bad boys will seek it out, and it will become dangerous and possession. Bad boys most likely turns into assholes of abusers.

The bad boy is a path of self destruction in the name of spitefulness.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when someone judges me as bad that it does not mean I am bad and therefore must now live as being bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I accept someone else calling me bad that I am actually not bad until I go out and do physical things in my life and create myself as bad deliberately within my actions, and thus it is not the other person to blame as I am clearly self responsible for my own actions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the bad boy personality is just another personality that I have created myself through my own self judgments and insecurities.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when I went out and started living differently within acting out in life against the system as being bad within spitefulness that I was actually only harming myself as I set myself on the path of self destruction, instead of realizing that the system is fucked up and the current limited way of life where society imposes good and bad onto people through their own self created believes and idea on what is good and bad instead of living what is best for all life and thus instead realizing that I must be self honest and change the god damn system to what is best for all life and to not accept and allow a system that is fear based and judgmental towards life as normal.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the bad boy act/personality was part of my ticket to getting sex as I learned that girls like bad boys and so I pursue in my journey of self destruction to fulfill one desire of obtaining sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that being a bad boy to spite others is actually me spiting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the bad boy live just happened to me, suppressing and denying all the actions I took within the physical as living and creating events situations to have certain experiences to upgrade myself to a bad boy as where I made it past of me, and thus it did not just happen to me, I am responsible.

To be continued..