Day 46 - I am a Bad Boy

I remember when certain events happened in my life as a young child and as a teenager where I did certain things, I was seen/judged as bad and how people reacted and looked at me after what I have done.

From the system perspective I was bad, I did do something wrong in the eyes of the people - for instance, when I was 16 I went to the movies with a couple of friends, I asked a certain girl to come with me, I had to ask her parents first, they agreed on the condition that I must look after her and make sure nothing happen.

So we all went to the movies, a couple of minute before the movies started me and another friend decided to go and buy cigarettes and quickly smoke them, we ask the other friends to stay and wait we will be back, they did not know we were going to go buy smokes and smoke.

We were underage and wasn't allowed to smoke, we went to the little shop that sold cigarettes to who ever, we bough two, as I exchanged the money for the cigarettes, I hear my name from outside of the shop, the girl who I asked to come whit's parents were there, they also decided to come, they now saw me with cigarettes in my hand.

I was frightened to what the parents would say to me and how they will react, I was cold for a few seconds because I was secretly smoking and underage, so no one knew I was smoking except my friend that was with me.

The parents asked me in a angry voice, what are you doing, is that cigarettes, they reacted immediately and grabbed the girls arm and said, come we are taking you home, the parents then told me, Gian we did not expect you to be this kind of person, we trusted you with our daughter, I said yes, but they are not for me, we quickly bought them for some other friend, the parents said okay we will come with you to see you give the cigarettes to the other friend, we knew we were fucked (caught out).

The girl then started fighting with her parents and said, mom,dad please leave it alone, our movie is starting in a few minutes, I then gave the cigarettes to the other friend and he put them in his pocket, I felt like shit, I am such a bad person. The parents trusted me.

So what happened next was interesting.

I started becoming bad, more and more, and in secret - because through the even that happened I learned how parents react and how they handle situations, they were mean and downgrading me, playing the guilt game making me feel bad deliberately, instead of breathing and seeing what is happening and accordingly act as to what is supportive, this is what I would have done, because now there was no lesson learned, there was only suppression and fear implanted.

Obviously I also did not know about breathing and remaining here in self honesty, if I did, this would have never happened.

That same night I decided I was bad, I can not be trusted, I am a bad boy, I had kind of a exciting feeling about it, I then took the bad boy acceptance and I started becoming a asshole, I pretended to be the awesome guy in-front of everyone and at night in secret I am bad, I take advantage, I drink, I use weed, I use girls, I started developing this more and more, I started skipping on school and classes, I got caught out and the same happened, no one gave me a valuable lesson to learn through common sense and understanding, they all just yelled, put fear into me and tried to suppress me, I obviously accepted and allowed all of this as me as who i am, which wasn't true if self honesty was applied.

I found Desteni at the age of 18, I was lucky, I would have probably not made it past 20 because of all the drinking and the secret thoughts and back chat of the things I was going to do, luckily I never got to do those things because of Desteni - I was judging myself as being bad to bad that I was abusing myself to become it, to live it, we live in a world of space and time - thank goodness

It is actually quite simple to see, if I breathed at that one scenario and instead of judging myself as bad and accepting and allowing myself as it and if I did not define myself as that in that moment, things would have been completely different, yet I did, thus self forgiveness.

Self forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to past experiences as who I am, realizing that who I am I decide in each breathe.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a bad person due to past experiences as memories as who I am, realizing that I am actually deciding who I am in each breath, and that the past experiences is the past,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as bad due to past experiences that I judged as bad within my mind, through the accepted and allowed definitions of what is good and bad within society or within others eyes, realizing that if I am self honest I will see and realize that what is best for all life as a living principal in all ways is all that matters, as everything is self created ideas/believes of what is good and bad and forced onto one another through fear to have control, instead of simply living what is best for all life, buying cigarettes at the age of 16 doesn't mean anything when you live within what is best for all life, it is simply me smoking. (of course to be self honest one would see underage within the system can bear consequences so do not compromise self to prove a point, be self honest and not fearful as we are still within a system of control and fear based till we have the equal money system 2020.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on others reactions and words towards me as being a response to who I am as bad and to give it value as who I am, realizing within accepting and allowing myself to define myself as bad and to live out my live as being bad I create and manifest consequences for myself where I punish myself as self abuse as telling myself the whole time, you are bad, you are bad, you deserve this punishment. Not realizing that I am creating and manifesting it all for myself in each moment as my own self judgment as being bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out the ideas and believes of myself that I have accepted and allowed as who I am through accepting and allowing myself to give value to others words as the truth about me and to accordingly live my life in self judgment and self abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm others through my own self judgment as being bad and doing certain things within the believe that I am bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry the believe and self judgment of I am bad with me as a burden and living it out within doing certain things that is harmful to myself and others on a physical level and/or emotional level.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am the creator of who I am in each breathe and as I accept and allow myself to judge myself as bad in each moment that I am creating it as myself and thus no one is to blame, only I can stop and take self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing something bad in others eyes, realizing it isnt about others but Who I am as I create myself and decide as myself in each breath WHO I AM.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can only be bad if I am not living what is best for all life in all ways, as I am accepting and allowing a life of good and bad where both are needed for the other to exist, instead of simply living what is best for all life in all ways as Desteni has shown me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body through drinking and drug use within my own self created believe/self judgment of I am bad through accepting and allowing others words and actions as having value to who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold it against myself that other believe I am a bad person and to act it out as self punishment within my actions and words and to within this abuse myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as a bad person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a bad person in secret because of the fear that others will see me as bad for what I am doing, realizing that when I do things in secret I am actually abusing others and myself through my own acceptance and allowance of the self judgment as being bad within my head as back chat and thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is wrong to be bad, realizing that living within the principal of what is best for all life in all ways isnt defined by good or bad, but by what is best for all life in all ways through common sense and self honesty.

Redefining bad - not living who you are as life as that which is best for all life in all ways.

Redefining good - living what is best for all life in all ways as who you are as life.

I commit myself to expose the deception of good and bad created within the current way of life in society where good and bad is used to control people through fear and a reward system

I commit myself to expose that the good people require the bad people to be good and that the bad people require the good people to be bad, and that both are just the same thing of the same coin keeping people enslaved to the mind as the tree of knowledge and information so that no one can ever realize themselves as life, as that which is best for all life or even see that the constant battle of good and bad is only to occupy peoples minds to not stop and stand as life as that which is best for all life as Who I am