Day 48 - I have a crush on you, crushing you

Day 48 - I have a crush on you, crushing you

See how a crush on somebody is actually you crushing the being within your secret mind to accept you, to like you and to love you, having a crush on someone isnt far from how a rapist are born, the same process happens in the mind, some choose to follow the crush into a relationship and have sex, some forces the crush and the sex, but in the mind the thoughts, the play-out, the fantasies, the desire is all the same. Best to stop.

I had so many secret cruses on girls in my life, never having the guts to go up to them and introduce myself and start to know each other.

I kept the relationships all to myself in my head in secret, I would have probably spared myself hundreds of hours where I was stuck in my mind about some girl I had a crush on, if only I took the real time and went to talk with them and burst the fucking bubble relationship in my mind that consumed me and my life.

WHY - because I did not know the girls at all that I had secret crushes on, I only saw them, observed them, heard them. So everything about them that I like is made up in my mind - so the girl I have this secret crush on is literally everything I like because I am making her who I want her to be in my head where I only have my own limited knowledge/information and my own desires/fantasies etc that I now project onto her as if it is who she is and I like her for that, BUT when I go and talk to them it all goes away, because I realize what I created in my mind was all a delusion, and reality check is something different.

I never gave myself the reality check till I got older and wasted so much time in my mind

So why did I create secret crushes with girls in my mind within my environment, it was because I had certain insecurities, judgments, beliefs, ideas about myself that made me less than them in my mind, that made me feel like i will never in reality have a chance with them, and so I created it all in my mid, the secret crush was only a constant point of conformation to myself that I am not good enough, that I am less as I had to create the relationship within my mind and not in reality.

Time to end the mind relationship and create all relationships, realityships where all relationships are equal in and as the physical as life as that which is best for all, time to end the separation and mind fucks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than certain girls/women within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force girls in my mind in my secret relationships to like me and to accept me due to my own insecurities and not accepting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create secret relationships in separation of another being within my mind to feel acceptance through forcing the being within my mind to like me for who I am, realizing that the truth will be different and thus I compromise my communication within my world towards certain people as I know i am forcing the being in my secret mind to accept me and thus I will have shame and discomfort around them as I know I wasn't self honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not good looking enough for certain girls and therefore create relationships within my mind where they always accept me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create relationships within my mind where girls always accept me to not have to face the reality of myself as who have accepted and allowed myself to belief who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be within my own self judgments and beliefs and idea about myself when I am faced with in having to actually communicate with a girl that I have placed as more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create some girls as more than other within my mind through my own judgment and believes of myself projected onto them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be insecure around certain girl and not around others as this behavior is only confirming my own insecurities as being real, never realizing that it is only who i accept and allow myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have back chat and certain thoughts about certain types of girls and within this create my own fear and insecurities based on my back chat and thoughts that I had that is based on my own self judgment and beliefs of myself and so when i face the girls I experience the energies that I generated within my mind as the thoughts and back chat.

I forgive myself that i have not realized that when i experience a energetic vibrant feeling/emotion within my body when I talk to a certain girl that I am only experiencing my own generated energy that I build up within secret as my own back chat and thoughts that is built on my own self judgments and beliefs I created within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create feeling and emotions towards specific girls that I want/desire/fantasize about in order to make them more than me within my mind so that the relationship I create within my mind may feel special, as I now belief I am able to have a relationship with someone that I never thought could be possible in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire relationship to make me feel accepted and to through this desire create secret relationship within my mind where i am always accepted, realizing that it inst real and only a delusion that I am creating to hide from who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as self judgment.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that all secret relationships within my mind will always be perfect as they are designed and constructed to be in polarity with my own self judgments and beliefs and ideas about myself to make me feel better about myself, instead of realizing that I have to face who I am as who i have accepted and allowed myself to be and change to that which is best for all life and not on polarity and energy as they always run out and require new fulfillment instead of simply being here with in and as breath as life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to idolize certain women within my mind, realizing that within idolizing certain women I am creating a inferiority complex towards them and thus sabotaging myself within my world as I can not communicate with them or be a equal as them in the flesh, and thus I see that within idolizing some women above others due to physical characteristics I am supporting the beauty industry that makes billions of me as I will buy their magazines to simply watch and idolize women in separation of myself and self judgments of myself, companies know this and they will abuse it to make profits.

To be continued...