Day 38 - I looked up to you - till now.


I use to have a friend that I looked up to a lot, like I would actually be in competition with this friend, because I saw him as more than me and that he had more friends, people liked him, he was strong, and the whole group would decide on what his decisions were.

He could make jokes about anyone in the group that was downgrading, nasty or mean and he would get away with it as everyone would simply laugh at it, I became the same as I started mimicking his techniques and ways of behavior, I obviously added me own bits of ego to make it seem better and more.

Within all of this I have actually created fear and anxiety being in this friends presence, because I allowe3d him to make jokes of me, call me names and make me seem less than him, I accepted it as part of the relationship, that this is how it is, I will just have to take the punches, because I looked up to him.

I could have stopped it through not laughing at the jokes he make about me and feeding it, I could have stopped it through saying, that isn't funny, I could have stopped it through having a bit of conflict within taking the points on, but I did not, I allowe4d my friend to see himself as more than me, just so I can be his friend, I knew that if I did not allow it he would have tried to find different friends where h can be the Alfa so to say, but I wante3d him as a friend for my own self interest, he was my competition.

The only way I could have allowed it all within me was because I made myself believe it must be who I am, every time he made a comment on my physical design, or every time he would tease my intelligence or tease me for being bad in relationships or at sex, I knew none of it was true and everything he was saying was his interpretation and what he projected onto me from h8imself, but the fact that I allowed it shows me that I did identify myself with all those things in some way, and later on actually started manifesting myself according to his judgments towards me that I accepted first and then allowed as my own judgments.

So it did not matter what he said to me , it was about who I am, if I knew who I am then what he said would have had no influence on me at all, as who I am was already stable and standing as who I am, and thus as who I am could not be moved or influenced unless I accepted it and allowed it.

So the point is to forgive myself for accepting and allowing the separation and judgments as me, as believing it must be who I am if he says so, yet I always decide in the end.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look up to someone else as if they are more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that some humans are more than others, realizing that this can only exist if oneself judge oneself a certain way as being less than, instead of remaining here in the physical where all humans are exactly the same, made from flesh and bone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place certain people more than myself and certain people as less than me, realizing that through this I am accepting and allowing those that I see as more than me to abuse and use me as they please and so I do the same with those that I see as less than me, Thus I realize it is to not create more or less according to ego and personalities as they are all simply energy formed entities that will die the same way at death, realizing it is to consider the physical where all humans are equal in all ways to the exact same physical elements and limitations with in the flesh and to accordingly live from this starting point as equals in all ways as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give some people that I judge as having special ego's due to observations I make in their lives as having more friends, having more jokes and better hair or more women/men as more than myself and others, thus I realize I am giving permission for such people through my own believes that I have created about them to abuse and use me and others as they please with out consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to be humiliated in front of others within the starting point of ego as allowing myself to be downgraded by a friend that I judged and saw as being more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of friends/people that I have created as more than myself within my own mid, realizing that it is not real but created within me as my own opinions/judgments/ideas/believes and so lived in and as the physical through my actions based on my judgments.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that through accepting and allowing myself to create someone more than me or others I am giving them power over me and others to do what they want as their ego's and thus I realize I am the continuation of the ego that does not see live as equals but as more than life, and thus I realize i am the cause and affect of inequality through not realizing myself as equals to all that is here as life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than others and to judge others as less then myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that only I can be the creator of equality or inequality due to what I accept and allow to exist within me as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed both ego's as mine and the other persons through my own self judgments of myself that supports both sides of the coin as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own fear within others through what I accept and allow within myself so to manifest within others through my behaviors as accepted and allowed self created nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create both polarities of the same coin as superior and inferior through my own self interest and survival as what I accept and allow within me to survive within this world and so to manifest outside of me in self interest, creating ego's that exist only for themselves no matter who they hurt or have to use to survive, even if you call them friends for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create emotional connection to the people I look up to in order to be able to use these emotion when i feel the relationship as my self interest if threatened to keep the friendship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I can trust the people I look up to, realizing that I look up to them because I do not trust myself in the first place and so the thrust I place within them is emotional and not real trust that is based in space and time in and as the physical as that which is real that can be trusted through the test of time, and so I realize that those that I look up to is simply a point in my life that I have created to separate myself for them as being more so that I do not have to take full self responsibility for myself as who I am as I have created people I look up to, to define who I am for me, as this is un acceptable and not trust worthy as I must trust myself and define myself as life as that which I am in fact as life one and equal that is best for all life in all ways.

I commit myself to stop the separation of inferiority and superiority and to take self responsibility for myself as who I am as equals in and as the physical in all ways and to stop feeding the egos that is in disregard of life and only serve in self interest that is not best for all life but only seeking self fulfillment and energy to feed on.

I commit myself to to show and reveal the deception that friendship is based on within self interest and that all friendships are in fact based on abuse and jealousy of each other, as fiend use each other for their own self interest goals, as the proof is that people only make friends with people who have the same level of money within the system. As money determines friendships currently and friendships is where you seek out potential weaker people than yourself to only boost your won ego of self interest.

I commit myself to stop the separation of looking up and looking down on people and to instead stop the separation with8in myself and to live it as with outside of myself so that I may create that which is best for all life in all ways.

I commit myself to stop praising some egos as more than others and to judge some egos as being more than the physical, as the physical shows to use in all ways that all humans and life in its essence are the same, and thus the ego as the mind is irrelevant as it dies at death where the physical lives on, thus I commit myself to expose the ego as the illusion it is as the mind own self created delusion.

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