Fear of being BEATEN, and the Truth of truth - Day 659



Story: I am 6 years old, there is a party of some sorts at my home. Lots of people have shown up. Everyone is walking around or sitting and talking. There were no kids of my age, just me among the bigger people.

Between all the partying, I found myself looking for a place I can hang out, so I naturally went to my mother. She was busy talking to other ladies, so I was told to not interrupt. I decided to stand there and rather listen, to some degree that was entertaining, to hear what people talk about and say.

As I was standing on the grass listening to my mother speaking, I noticed they were speaking about other people, my mother said something about something, I could not remember, At that moment something came over me in relation to what my mother said, I knew she was LYING, and it slipped out of my mouth, I interrupted my mothers conversation and I said directly to her, you are lying!!

My mother, very quickly corrected me, through threatening me in her words and her presence, telling me, YOU DO NOT SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT, she looked like she was going to assault me, I had a massive rush of fear coming over me - the next thing my mother said, GO to your room before I slap you. I turned away and I did not know what to make of what just happened.

I was told to not speak the truth or I will be beaten and threatened and possibly die. I walked away to my room crying by myself. I part me felt broken at that point, a new fear arose within me, a fear of control.

I remember from that point on, I never said the "truth" again, I always stayed quiet where I could, not saying what I knew or saw, but rather see how I could make a story up, or simply avoid anything that placed me in a position where I knew "better" and had to deal with myself and my fears to not speak what I knew. As a Kid at that age, I did not have any alternative motives to not speak the truth, so now an alternative motive became my very own fear of talking the truth, and now, how to NOT speak the truth (truth is to not deny what is here) but rather say nothing or make up an excuse, or to paint a different picture instead.

Present moment:

So now, many many years later, I have found myself "lost" within how do I speak what I see, in the fear of the person or people involved might react, revolt, or even go further and BEAT me, now when I say the word beat here, I am referring to either physically or with words/knowledge - as both can harm, the sword or the tongue. I get overwhelmed with this fear, especially when I know what I see, and so instead of speaking, I become my mother - I react just as she did at that moment when I was 6, I become possessed, I have no way of directing the fear, and so I rather go into anger and let my shit out that way, as I suppressed truth over time, I created a demon that will never allow me to speak truth, as it possesses me before I could ever say what I truly wanted to say and end up saying all the backchat and thoughts that accumulated in fear.

Through the Desteni Message and principles, with all the tools available, I have now come to see even more, as I have learned about self-honesty, I have come to also see the difference between what is TRUTH as in honesty as deception, and what is Truth as in self-honesty and self -assessment.

Truth can be the truth, if someone is lying and I call it out, then I am speaking the truth, yet am I speaking out from the starting point of what is best for all? or for a self-interested point? as I reflected on that moment/memory, when I was 6 years old, I saw that I said out loud to my mother that she is lying, because I myself wanted to get back at my mother for not allowing me to participate in the conversation, so I used the truth to give myself a winning moment, this was very subtle, but damn was this truth of myself hiding deep down and years of hate and resentment took place, and only through walking my process in self-forgiveness and investigating my past, was I able to see how I have used this memory for years to hold something against my mother, and ignoring the truth of who I was within doing what I did, thus blaming and not seeing the equal and one participation of both sides that took place.

I used I was just a child, I was a child was pure and innocent, so I was right, I was broken by your words mother, for years this ran in my head because I used it to NOT have to take responsibility and to get away with my own shit within myself.

I share this story and moment to once again give the point forward of how important it is to walk your process and to stop the games playing our lives, and so LOOk at the truth of who I am, who you are in fact, really slow down and see into your memories for real, see the points, and realize the truth of who I am must be life, not some game of minds.

This walking of this point for myself, brought forgiveness to me and for me to my mother, as it gave understanding (disclosure). I also realized how easily I am my mother, and she me.

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