Day 43 - bully - a creation of love.

Day 43 - bully - a creation of love.

Bullies do love you, they love to bully you, they love to hate you, they love to hurt you, they love to come to you and give you their attention, bullies are big balls of love.

A bully does what he love's to do - he bullies you.

I mean if everyone has the right to love and their choice to express their love anyway they can, then the bully is on the right path! or is love evil then?

Obviously bullies got this love from someone else, it always starts at home, a bully isnt someone that only physically abuse others, bullies exist in all types of bullying, the emotion bully, the mental bully, the friendly bully, the dominating bully, the friendship bully, the I love you bully, there are many and they are in all of us, in some way or another we are all bullies,

A bully is simply someone that is doing what has been done onto them in the name of love.

Why in the name of love, because parents say they love you as a child yet they will beat you down, they will suppress your expression, they will scream at you, they will deceive you, they will say trust me when they do the opposite, they lie a lot, they pretend, they force you to do things, they say do this do that, stop it, shut up, sit still, be nice, show some respect, I wish I never had you, you were a mistake, if there are more than one kid in the house they always have a favorite and you can clearly see it yet they say they love you both, and much more. and you can see bullies do the same thing then onto others. shut up, give me your money, beat you up, scream at you, etc.

So how confusing all of this is, now imagine being a kid between the age of newborn till seven, and all this is happening to you as you are learning and being educated, it is the perfect mixture to create bullies and abusers with love.

Obviously it is not to blame parents as they could only teach you what they knew, it is called the sins of the fathers. It is to realized that the current way of life isnt best for all life and definitely not for you or the new generations of children entering this world. Is it sick, it is madness, it is evil, we all accept and allow parents to teach children what they know as if it their right of free choice even if no one is educated on how life works, how the human works, even if it creates deceitful abusive humans as one is called the bully.

I was a bully since the age of 5 as I can remember till now, the bullying has not stopped but simply changed its way, how I bully in subtle ways, people will call me a nice guy and a good guy and they will see me as having a great friend, yet this is part of how my bullying has evolved to the evil it is in all of us currently, we all do this the same way, some prefer to remain out of the closet bullies, bullying is in everything, telling someone you love them in a relationship and yet you screams and yell and call each other names and blame and judge and have secret thoughts and being spiteful towards teacher, that is bullying.

Love (evol) creates the biggest bullies hidden in plain sight.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that love is the creator of bullies, as this is a direct reflection within the whole as life here on earth and how fucked up life on earth is.

I forgive myself that I have not seen and realized that love is the source of all accepted and allowed bullying in this world.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that a bully is created through some and or any form of love and that it started within the first seven years of childhood within the family.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that bullies are simply the outcome of some form of input within the child within the child's first seven years within how the child was educated through the environment and the parents and anyone else that had an influence on the child's life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and resist to accept and allowing myself to see and realize that love creates all evil as the world is a clear in your face reflection of who we are as apparent loving beings while everything is being fucked up in the name of love.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that through claiming to love someone and doing the opposite is being a bully, realizing that within saying I love you trust is implied and through the actions of not trusting each other after claiming love for each other through fighting, screaming, blaming, being spiteful, rejection, anger, hate, judging, and physically abusing each other we are bullying each other.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that bullies are people that will do anything the can to win and to gain the energy feeling/emotion they want to feel better about themselves, realizing that this makes a bully no different from someone that is in love, as both are out to get their fix of energy at any cost.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the love for a loved one is no different from the love a bully has for bullying others, realizing it is the same energetic feeling/emotion that feeds the mind consciousness system that supports the enslavement of man within limitation as energy, being a slave to energy instead of breathing here with no energy movement where one can direct self in each breath in clarity as life as that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that a bully is simply a person that is addicted to as a energy feeling/emotion which is received through others reactions feelings/emotions - realizing this is not different than how love works, as I can see that love is simply bullying candy coated as it is based on self interest to fulfill self own insecurities and to feel better about self.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that loving someone is the same as bullying someone for their energy, as both are about getting what self wants to feel better about self and to feel accepted either through someones approval as love to abuse them for it, or through force as being a bully, yet the same outcome.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to  to see and realize that all bullying starts at home and that with in the home as a family that loves one another as trust it is seen okay to bully each other openly because of the candy coat called love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that bullies are people that only physically abuse others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that bullies are simply people doing what they love to do as it was done onto them within a game of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge bullies as being bad and wrong, yet I could not see my own behaviors within being a bully in other areas of life such as relationship, animals, plants, earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to call others bullies yet not willing to look at myself and where in my life I am a bully.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to look into my life and how I was created through my acceptance and allowance as a bully and equally to see and understand how others have been created as bullies, as this requires me to look within my first seven years of life within the family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from bullies only to not look at myself and where I am a bully within my life and take self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge bullies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself form bullies as apparently being more and better, not realizing that within the act of separating myself form bullies I am a bully within accepting and allowing them to be bullies and to remain in their own suffering.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to stop bullying in the world without first looking at myself and stopping the bully within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself as the creator of bullying being a bully.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself as the creator of bullying/bullies with in what I accept and allow within me an so with in the world to manifest as a system based on abuse and self interest that only seeks to fulfill self interest at all cost as a feeling energy.

I commit myself to expose love as the creator of bullies as it is within plain sight within what is reflected within the world as all evil, where the human is bullying self/each other and earth for all natural resources to fulfill a addiction to energy as feelings/emotions within and as the mind

I commit myself to show that love is the greatest bully, as love is accepting and allowing the world to exist the way it is currently existing with billions suffering and where nature is abused and being destroyed in the name of love as a energy feeling of the mind consciousness system that support self interest and enslavement of man.

I commit myself to expose love for the bully that it is through showing that love only gives permission to abuse and deceive as a bully's love to hate/abuse/hurt/gain energy and dominance over others only to fulfill a energy feeling/emotion of the mind.

Day 42 - Male Ego and dominance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that as a male it is my right to dominate other beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that as a male I have the right to dominate other life forms.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed through society and the education system that the male has the right to dominate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to practice the believe that the male has the right to dominate and to do whatever it takes to dominate, realizing that within this believe and applying myself within it I am the direct cause of why the world is fucked up as all the suffering and harm that has been done onto life as the male ego as dominance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the believe/idea that the male has the right to be dominant and to practice dominance within my life through dominating others and other life forms so that I may feel all powerful as the male ego of dominance, realizing that within accepting and allowing dominance as normal and part of the male ego's right I am giving permission to all other males to do the same, realizing that through this accepted and allowed behavior/nature I am accepting and allowing and being the direct cause of all abuse and destruction and harm that has been and is done onto life through other males as myself that seek dominance such as within wars for land, killing animals for fun as to practice dominance, abusing women and children to be dominant and to fuck up life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be dominant within my life within certain areas just so that I may feel secure and save, and through seeking this dominance to do whatever it takes such as child abuse, women abuse, animal abuse, nature abuse and simply abuse of life to gain self interest and to feed the ego as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I am not dominant within my life over others that they will dominate me and abuse me for their self interest, and to within this go into competition with life to see who is most dominant and to achieve dominance so that I do not have to fear, realizing that within me within competing with others for dominance to do onto them before it is done onto me, that I am in fact actually trying to first abuse them and harm them before they can harm me, as I am then the only abuser that harms in the name of my fear and self interest, realizing that this behavior and nature of man has been accepted and allowed to exist within the current system of the world where some can have and some not and thus gives way for all males to seek dominance to protect themselves from not having anything as many others do through any means necessary such as abusing life and bringing the destruction of mother earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that If I am not dominant within my life over others that I will be seen as weak and not a real male that is capable of using his gifted right from the sins of the fathers to dominate in sin as abusing life just to not look weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being dominated and been seen less than.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that dominance is part of the normal human nature, realizing it is only accepted and allowed as normal nature as it was taught within ignorance to children from the sins of the fathers based on fear/religion and believe, realizing that the nature can be changed through simply changing the system and how life works to a world that is best for all where all are taken care of from birth till death, and thus no fear for survival and no need for dominance at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up the physical addiction of power as the male ego within dominance within certain parts within my life where I have practiced dominance over other life forms so that I may feel in control of my irrational fear of the future based on my own back chat within the mind where I constantly talk about others and other life forms as if they are out to get me, and that if I stop the physical addiction that I will be abused and seen as weak and that advantage will be taken of me, realizing that I have been the only one abusing and taking advantage of others as the male ego as dominance, thus I actually fear that what I have done to others will be done onto me. 

I forgive myself that I have not realized that as long as I practice the male ego as dominance onto life that I am the only keeper and creator of my own fear of what will be done onto me as I am doing onto others as it was never real till I created it so within my mind through thoughts and back chat that I formed within my own observation within my mind within a limited range of knowledge and information that limits my own perspective on all thins and thus as I keep brewing the thoughts/back chat within my limited mind I create my own fears and insecurities that I then try and prevent through dominating other life and abusing life within the idea that I would have gotten abused first, as this was never real and only in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dominate life as abuse as the male ego just because I had a feeling that I was being abused or taken advantage of and thus through the dominating ego try and control theother being either through physical or mental dominance as control through fear and self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as the male ego try and dominate other life through feeling that I was being abused or taken advantage of, realizing it was only a feeling that I experienced within me as my own thoughts and back chat that I projected onto another to not have to take self responsibility for who i am and to instead blame and control to avoid the real issue being me.

I commit myself to expose the male ego as dominance as brainwashing and that it is what children are thought through education and religion and that it is not part of human nature as it can be changed through a new educational system.

I commit myself to show that dominance within the human is what has been taught to children from birth through parents and religion and society as it is not part of human nature and that only we have accepted and allowed it to be so as there was no real supportive system for children where they can express themselves as equals without ego and without fear.

I commit myself to the research or investigating myself through self forgiveness to expose that male ego as dominance is not human nature but that it is taught through the actions of the sins of the fathers before and that it can change as we decide to change the educational system and the world system to a place where life is honored and not the male ego as to having the right to dominate and bring about abuse and destruction to earth and life and that the equalmoney system is a system that will reveal that all current human nature is taught and accepted by the human and not what it actually is and thus a new world is possible and that we are not bound to human nature as a excuse to not change.

Day 41 - Ego knows everything yet Not a Thing.

I thought I had an idea of how things work and functions in this world, well I do, I know how life currently work in terms of living daily life, but do I know LIFE and how it works/functions/creates from the physical to the mind in all dimensions .

My ego had me cornered, I believed I knew a thing or two like what patterns are, what fear is, what Back chat is, how it functions, how we create events and scenarios for ourselves.

Well this was still just the ego making me believe I know something to put me in a isolated state of boringness and to not go deeper, to not really investigate everything, keeping the veil over my eyes, a false believe of self.

A very simple point was presented to me in a sudden moment, someone asked, what is the value awareness when everyone can claim they are aware.

BAM... My ego could not answer the question, it did not even conceive such a question to exist, I never considered it.

So I asked myself am I aware - the answer was no, because if I am aware and can claim I am aware like the next man or women, then my awareness is only limited to what my ego believes it knows as awareness according to my limited knowledge and information within my idea believe of awareness.

The other person then asked me, are you aware of everything in the universe right now, are you even aware of everything happening in your own body right now. I could not claim this, this is when I realized I know nothing yet, yet it is only the ego that wants to know  as having knowledge and information that will always be limited to your own mind.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I as the ego as the mind consciousness system know anything through knowledge and information that is limited to only my mind and idea of knowing something, yet not even being aware of my own body and what is happening within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as the ego as the mind to give myself a false sense of believe that I know something about life, while I can not even explain how life itself functions and works in all aspects yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as the ego as the mind to believe that I do not need anybodies help this life to learn and understand life in all ways to stand one and equal as life, realizing that this is the ego attempting its continuation as a energy as the mind in a limited contained space between ones ears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as the ego to believe that I can learn how life works in all ways on my own.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that only as a group can process be made and through a group can we learn and educate each other, realizing this way the ego can not trap one self in the mind within ones own limited knowledge and information and perspectives/believes.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I do require help from others who has already walked the path to show me the path to walk as an equal as they were show and learned, realizing that only the ego would want to do it alone as the ego will always search for a place where it is save and unchallenged and can always be right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe as the ego as the mind that I can learn and understand how the physical and mind works ob my own and how we have created ourselves and reality and how everything functions.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I do not know anything of creation yet, as I have accepted and allowed the ego as my mind to direct me within self righteousness as self interest to believe that I know something yet I do not even know the basic functions of my own body and how I manifest reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain ignorant to learn anything from anyone else but myself as the ego as the mind in a self created believe that I can teach everything myself, yet I have not even realized basics points of reality for myself unless I was shown by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that if I am shown by others how things work as they have walked the path and thus can support and assist that I will be less than, realizing that this is only the ego as the mind that can form such and experience as the ego will always only want to win and gain to maintain its energy as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that as long as I do not see what is here as how everything functions and works within the physical and the mind that I am within ego and self interest, realizing that when I remain within ego as the mind I can only reflect what I see within my own limited knowledge and information, and thus I realize only within a group is it possible to make it this life to stand as an equal co creator as life where we all walk together yet alone.

I commit myself to stop the ego as limitation and to stand as a group where we all walk together yet alone as each one is with himself so that we can learn and see/realize what is here as our creation and how it all functions and works so that we all can equally take responsibility and stop the abuse and start creating a new world that is best for all life.

I commit myself to learn from others and myself how the physical functions and the mind one and equal so that I can understand how we create and have created to be able to take full self responsibility for what is here and to be able to direct life as myself to that which is best for all life.

I commit myself to write and apply self forgiveness within stopping the mind and the ego so that I can lift the veil from my eyes and see beyond my own limited knowledge and information and set myself free  from limitation, to walk the process of life as a group where there can be no ego as self interest as that which is currently abusing life and bringing the destruction of life and to create a world that is best for all life in all ways.

Day 40 - Money is our only chance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing all the money I have, realizing I can only have this fear if I am fully aware of the abusive deceptive system we live in and what the system has done to others in this world and now I fear it can happen to me at any time, realizing that within this it is not to fear but to take self responsibility and change the system for myself and all others as myself to that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to all my money within the fear of losing all my money, not realizing that it is to use my money as the bit of power I have within the current world system to change the current world system to that which is best for all life to remove all fear from life for all equally as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that money is the only tool within the current money system with which I have the power and ability to use my money to direct my money in such a way that I can make a difference in this world to change this world to a place that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within full awareness of what the current money system has done to others to still hold on to my money in the fear of losing my money as other did instead of using my money within the understanding that the system is deceptive and abusive in all  ways and that I must use my power and influence that I have as money before I lose my money to bring about a world that is best for all life, as I would like to be done onto myself.

I forgive myself to go into fear when I see on TV that millions have lost their jobs and are now homeless and can not do anything within the system to change the system and to within that hide all my money in fear, realizing that within hiding I am only postponing  and allowing that which happened to other people to happen to me, as I am not using my money to change the world for me and those that as lost all their money and power to do anything, realizing that it is now my responsibility to stand up for those that lost everything and myself and to use my power as money that I still have within the system to change the system before it is to late and all is powerless to do anything.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to let go of the fear of losing my money and to instead use my money while I have it to spend my money where it counts to bring about a new world that is best for all life, to bring dignity and honor to those that has lost all their power as money and have nothing and to give back to life as I would like to be done for onto me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to let go of the control that money has over me through hiding and holding onto my money as that is what the elite and rich want, to create fearful people that will remain dedicated to the current world system to be perfect slaves in fear of losing what they are "allowed" to have by the will of the elite as long at they do not do anything to oppose them.

I commit myself to use my money in all ways that is possible to support the Equal Money system as the only hope life has to be saved and regain dignity and honor.

I commit myself to stop the fear of losing my money, within the realization that I will anyway lose all my money at some point in time either through death or the economy collapsing, and so I will rather use my money while I have it to support a solution for life while I can as I still have money.

I commit myself to make money and to become effective within the current world system to make money so that I can sue all the money I make to support a new system such as the Equal Money system to give life back to all the million that lost their jobs and dignity and that does not have any possible way of having any effect on the system now as they lost everything and that it is now my responsibility as life while I still can before it is to late as money is the light of god on earth.

I commit myself to expose the economy as it exist currently and that It will fail as it is designed to fail as it does not support all life and that it is useless to fear losing all your money while you have it as it is inevitable, thus it is to use your money while you have it to bring about change and to not hide in fear and survival of self interest.

I commit myself to bring awareness to those that still has power within the current money system as having money that money is the only way we can bring about change to this world that is best for all life and that it is a matter of time against us that all must while still empowered to use their money and direct it in such a way that will support that which stands for all life in all ways as a actual solution where man isn't dependent on money to live life as the Equal Money system.

Time is running out, and so is money, as time is money, we must use what we have before no one has anything and can't do anything about anything to change things for that which is best for all life and to create a new world system - equal money system.

Day 39 - Self trust

I am busy with doing this reading program (AKA Technotutor) and as I started doing the reading program I was struggling with reading the paragraphs because I had a fear, the fear was that I would not remember what I red and so fail all the questions that follows afterwards.

One day I got so tired of the fear when reading and the hesitations and self doubts I decided to just fucking read it. I started reading it and afterwards I got one hundred percent for all the questions that followed.

How did this happen, I stopped the fear and I trusted myself to not remember the information but to understand and take it in with only reading it once, like I trusted myself to let go of the mind and be here.

After this event I did pretty well in all the other ones I did, I stopped trying and I started doing, I realized self trust isn't something you must wait for it is something that must be done in the moment in each breathe, you can not prepare for self trust, you have to self trust.

Self trust wasn't a feeling or an emotion or a thought, it was physical, no energetic experiences, all the times I trusted myself with a feeling or emotion or a thought, I fucked myself.

Self trust is a doing regardless of the mistakes or no mistakes, it is to give oneself the opportunity to do it and to correct and move forward and bring about change.

As another example, I once dug open the sewerage tanks and the people came to empty it out, I then afterwards had to close the tanks up, the lid that went on was extremely difficult to put on, it had no handles and it was a "perfect fit, if you do not put the lid one hundred percent square on it falls in, I was standing over the opening with the lid in my hands, I was anxious and I feared letting go as I knew the possibility of it falling in was great, I finally let go and it dropped in the shit tank, I had to climb in and get it (disgusting).

After I got it out and was at the same position again I realized the anxiety that I was accepting and allowing through thinking about it  was causing the lid to fall in and as long as the anxiety was there, there was no space for self trust as all.

Then someone else came along and saw what I was doing, the person said, don't fear it, do it. I realized in that moment I wasn't doing it I was fearing it instead.

I stopped the fear within this realization and I dropped the lid, the lid was on, it was over, and much simpler, we had to do this a few more times afterwards, I simply did it! And it always went on perfectly.

This was clear to me that I did not have time to practice or do it over and over again to develop self trust, it was in the moment as a completeness of doing. No fear - I was actually only scaring myself instead of trusting myself, not as a feeling or an emotion or a thought, as a physical doing that was pure.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust fear instead of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust emotions instead of trusting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can trust emotions, realizing that emotions can not be trusted as they can not be tested in space and time for eternity as this proofs it is untrustworthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust feelings instead of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can trust feeling yet I do not even understand how they are created and where they originate from and thus I realize that unless I understand feeling I can not trust anything that can not be tested in space and time in the physical that can stand for eternity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can trust thoughts in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust thoughts that pop up in my mind instead of trusting me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust me first and to give my self trust a change first before I give into thoughts/feeling/emotions of which I do not even know their origin and where they come from, yet I trust them as being real and reliable, when reality have clearly shown me that trusting thoughts/feelings/emotions always end up hurting me or others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can trust my mind when I do not even understand the mind and how it functions, yet I give it all my trust instead of trusting myself within and as the physical as that which I can test for myself in real time.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to simply trust myself in each moment and to instead trust the thoughts/feelings/emotions/fears/doubts/ hesitations/insecurities

I forgive myself that I have never given myself the chance of trusting myself unconditionally and to instead rather trust everything else that only brings me down and holds me back such as thoughts/feelings/emotions/fears/doubts/ hesitations/insecurities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that trust is based on knowledge and information, realizing that this is only the mind again attempting to control self to trust self in fact, as knowledge and information will only create fear and doubt and stop self from trusting self in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to think a lot about something before I trust myself, realizing that If I stand as LIFE and what is best for all life as who I am than everything I do in self trust without any knowledge and information will always be self honest within the best interest of all life in all ways, realizing I can only fear trusting myself if I know what I am doing isn't best for all life in all ways but based on self interest and as the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself to do what is best for all life in all ways as WHO I AM in each breathe, realizing as I am Life all that I do will be for Life in all ways, and thus no ego, no self interest as self dishonesty can manifest as consequences but only what is best for all life.

I commit myself to stop all or any trust I have placed in the web of the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions and to instead trust myself in and as the physical with in applying myself in space and time as that which can stand the test of time within what is best for all life in all ways.

I commit myself to stop all or any trust that I have placed with in knowledge and information before I have actually lived it and tested it for myself to be trust worthy, to not trust the knowledge and information but to trust myself in the physical application with in what is best for all life in all ways.

I commit myself to stop any and all trust that I have placed within energetic experiences that I do not even understand how they were created and where it comes from, to instead trust myself in and as the physical as that which is real and can be seen, where I can apply myself as self trust in each breathe as that which is best for all life.

Day 38 - I looked up to you - till now.

I use to have a friend that I looked up to a lot, like I would actually be in competition with this friend, because I saw him as more than me and that he had more friends, people liked him, he was strong, and the whole group would decide on what his decisions were.

He could make jokes about anyone in the group that was downgrading, nasty or mean and he would get away with it as everyone would simply laugh at it, I became the same as I started mimicking his techniques and ways of behavior, I obviously added me own bits of ego to make it seem better and more.

Within all of this I have actually created fear and anxiety being in this friends presence, because I allowe3d him to make jokes of me, call me names and make me seem less than him, I accepted it as part of the relationship, that this is how it is, I will just have to take the punches, because I looked up to him.

I could have stopped it through not laughing at the jokes he make about me and feeding it, I could have stopped it through saying, that isn't funny, I could have stopped it through having a bit of conflict within taking the points on, but I did not, I allowe4d my friend to see himself as more than me, just so I can be his friend, I knew that if I did not allow it he would have tried to find different friends where h can be the Alfa so to say, but I wante3d him as a friend for my own self interest, he was my competition.

The only way I could have allowed it all within me was because I made myself believe it must be who I am, every time he made a comment on my physical design, or every time he would tease my intelligence or tease me for being bad in relationships or at sex, I knew none of it was true and everything he was saying was his interpretation and what he projected onto me from h8imself, but the fact that I allowed it shows me that I did identify myself with all those things in some way, and later on actually started manifesting myself according to his judgments towards me that I accepted first and then allowed as my own judgments.

So it did not matter what he said to me , it was about who I am, if I knew who I am then what he said would have had no influence on me at all, as who I am was already stable and standing as who I am, and thus as who I am could not be moved or influenced unless I accepted it and allowed it.

So the point is to forgive myself for accepting and allowing the separation and judgments as me, as believing it must be who I am if he says so, yet I always decide in the end.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look up to someone else as if they are more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that some humans are more than others, realizing that this can only exist if oneself judge oneself a certain way as being less than, instead of remaining here in the physical where all humans are exactly the same, made from flesh and bone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place certain people more than myself and certain people as less than me, realizing that through this I am accepting and allowing those that I see as more than me to abuse and use me as they please and so I do the same with those that I see as less than me, Thus I realize it is to not create more or less according to ego and personalities as they are all simply energy formed entities that will die the same way at death, realizing it is to consider the physical where all humans are equal in all ways to the exact same physical elements and limitations with in the flesh and to accordingly live from this starting point as equals in all ways as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give some people that I judge as having special ego's due to observations I make in their lives as having more friends, having more jokes and better hair or more women/men as more than myself and others, thus I realize I am giving permission for such people through my own believes that I have created about them to abuse and use me and others as they please with out consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to be humiliated in front of others within the starting point of ego as allowing myself to be downgraded by a friend that I judged and saw as being more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of friends/people that I have created as more than myself within my own mid, realizing that it is not real but created within me as my own opinions/judgments/ideas/believes and so lived in and as the physical through my actions based on my judgments.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that through accepting and allowing myself to create someone more than me or others I am giving them power over me and others to do what they want as their ego's and thus I realize I am the continuation of the ego that does not see live as equals but as more than life, and thus I realize i am the cause and affect of inequality through not realizing myself as equals to all that is here as life one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than others and to judge others as less then myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that only I can be the creator of equality or inequality due to what I accept and allow to exist within me as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed both ego's as mine and the other persons through my own self judgments of myself that supports both sides of the coin as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own fear within others through what I accept and allow within myself so to manifest within others through my behaviors as accepted and allowed self created nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create both polarities of the same coin as superior and inferior through my own self interest and survival as what I accept and allow within me to survive within this world and so to manifest outside of me in self interest, creating ego's that exist only for themselves no matter who they hurt or have to use to survive, even if you call them friends for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create emotional connection to the people I look up to in order to be able to use these emotion when i feel the relationship as my self interest if threatened to keep the friendship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I can trust the people I look up to, realizing that I look up to them because I do not trust myself in the first place and so the thrust I place within them is emotional and not real trust that is based in space and time in and as the physical as that which is real that can be trusted through the test of time, and so I realize that those that I look up to is simply a point in my life that I have created to separate myself for them as being more so that I do not have to take full self responsibility for myself as who I am as I have created people I look up to, to define who I am for me, as this is un acceptable and not trust worthy as I must trust myself and define myself as life as that which I am in fact as life one and equal that is best for all life in all ways.

I commit myself to stop the separation of inferiority and superiority and to take self responsibility for myself as who I am as equals in and as the physical in all ways and to stop feeding the egos that is in disregard of life and only serve in self interest that is not best for all life but only seeking self fulfillment and energy to feed on.

I commit myself to to show and reveal the deception that friendship is based on within self interest and that all friendships are in fact based on abuse and jealousy of each other, as fiend use each other for their own self interest goals, as the proof is that people only make friends with people who have the same level of money within the system. As money determines friendships currently and friendships is where you seek out potential weaker people than yourself to only boost your won ego of self interest.

I commit myself to stop the separation of looking up and looking down on people and to instead stop the separation with8in myself and to live it as with outside of myself so that I may create that which is best for all life in all ways.

I commit myself to stop praising some egos as more than others and to judge some egos as being more than the physical, as the physical shows to use in all ways that all humans and life in its essence are the same, and thus the ego as the mind is irrelevant as it dies at death where the physical lives on, thus I commit myself to expose the ego as the illusion it is as the mind own self created delusion.

Day 37 - happy, do I have to pretend for you.

I have noticed a general point through out my life, when I am alone with myself or not around people I  know I can be okay,  but as soon as I am in a group of people or with family or friends, I have this weird expectation that I MUST BE HAPPY, like I have to be happy or everyone is going to think something terrible is wrong with me.

So I have come to put on a mask, pretending to be happy every time I am in the presence of others I know, I have to be alive and moving and talking and laughing, It really tires a person out and actually leads to depression after a while, also I experience fear when I am around people I know and that I might not "LOOK" happy, just because I do not look happy does mean I have to be sad, what If I am not either, this is actually better because then I can actually enjoy myself as myself and others and not having to maintain and sustain a feeling the whole fucking time to look happy for others for some reason.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I am happy everything is okay.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use happiness as a way to hide the sadness just so that others will not feel I am spoiling their day and end up having people avoiding me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe happiness is real  when I am clearly pretending to be happy just for others sake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage and compromise myself through pretending to be happy just for the sake of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I am pretending to be happy then that means most people must be doing the same because we all live in the same world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if you can be happy in a world that is clearly fucked up that you have a special ability, realizing that special ability is called suppression and denial.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use happiness as a way to avoid what is here in my face as reality everyday, instead of dealing with it and to deny it and let it grow bigger and bigger in the darkness like fungi.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my real experience of myself from other through pretending to be happy, realizing that through this I am accepting and allowing them to also continue pretending and to live a false and fake life where we all keep on pretending till the world ends by our own doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe hat if I am not happy something is wrong with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed by movies and television where they always portray that if you are not happy something is wrong with you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that happiness is all that life is about,  realizing that I can actually grow tired of being happy as an energetic experience and thus it is not withstanding the test of space and time, and thus I realize that it is to be here with myself in each breath with in a physical enjoyment of myself as all life equally as a expression of life one and equal, doing what is best for all life in all ways, as this can with stand the test of time in all ways as it is life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear that others will see I am not "happy" because of the expectation I have created that other only want to see me happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear/anxiety when I do not meet up with other peoples expectations of me as being happy, and that they will see that I am not expressing myself as being happy and feel sad and down themselves, realizing that I am not responsible for how other people experience themselves within themselves but only for myself, and so as all do this we will have a stable reliable society where we all can be true to one another as we are true to ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to present myself to others in a happy mood just to be polite.

I commit myself to be happy for myself as who I am, not within a energetic mind set of happiness that relies on polarity that only feeds the mind consciousness system that supports the current way of life that is abusive and destructive, to live a happiness as being comfortable with myself as I am true with myself as breathe in and as the physical one and equal as the creator.

I commit myself to stop pretending to be happy just for others, and to also not go into polarity as sadness but to remain here with myself as breath as physical enjoyment with what is here.

I commit myself to expose the false happiness that we as a human race has created as a living CON- dition where we pretend in each others faces every day that everything is okay, yet we all die inside because we know we are slaves to a system and that we are actually not happy with what we have accepted and allowed to exist in thisworld, and to end the happy face where we say in each others faces, I am fucking with you right now because I do not dare say, everything is not okay.

I commit myself to stop denying the truth of my accepted and allowed world and to stop the suppression of my experiences through pasting on a happy fake face to everyone in my world, and to rather stand up for life one and equal as that which is best for all life so that true happiness can be born for all equally, where I know my happiness isn't a feeling energy that relies on a deceptive life style but that it is a happiness of self honor and respect where I know all life is the same as me here, as this can only be achieved within a equal money system, and thus I commit myself to create true happiness for all through supporting, establishing the equal money system in my life time here on earth.