Day 39 - Self trust
I am busy with doing this reading program (AKA Technotutor) and as I started doing the reading program I was struggling with reading the paragraphs because I had a fear, the fear was that I would not remember what I red and so fail all the questions that follows afterwards.
One day I got so tired of the fear when reading and the hesitations and self doubts I decided to just fucking read it. I started reading it and afterwards I got one hundred percent for all the questions that followed.
How did this happen, I stopped the fear and I trusted myself to not remember the information but to understand and take it in with only reading it once, like I trusted myself to let go of the mind and be here.
After this event I did pretty well in all the other ones I did, I stopped trying and I started doing, I realized self trust isn't something you must wait for it is something that must be done in the moment in each breathe, you can not prepare for self trust, you have to self trust.
Self trust wasn't a feeling or an emotion or a thought, it was physical, no energetic experiences, all the times I trusted myself with a feeling or emotion or a thought, I fucked myself.
Self trust is a doing regardless of the mistakes or no mistakes, it is to give oneself the opportunity to do it and to correct and move forward and bring about change.
As another example, I once dug open the sewerage tanks and the people came to empty it out, I then afterwards had to close the tanks up, the lid that went on was extremely difficult to put on, it had no handles and it was a "perfect fit, if you do not put the lid one hundred percent square on it falls in, I was standing over the opening with the lid in my hands, I was anxious and I feared letting go as I knew the possibility of it falling in was great, I finally let go and it dropped in the shit tank, I had to climb in and get it (disgusting).
After I got it out and was at the same position again I realized the anxiety that I was accepting and allowing through thinking about it was causing the lid to fall in and as long as the anxiety was there, there was no space for self trust as all.
Then someone else came along and saw what I was doing, the person said, don't fear it, do it. I realized in that moment I wasn't doing it I was fearing it instead.
I stopped the fear within this realization and I dropped the lid, the lid was on, it was over, and much simpler, we had to do this a few more times afterwards, I simply did it! And it always went on perfectly.
This was clear to me that I did not have time to practice or do it over and over again to develop self trust, it was in the moment as a completeness of doing. No fear - I was actually only scaring myself instead of trusting myself, not as a feeling or an emotion or a thought, as a physical doing that was pure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust emotions instead of trusting myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can trust emotions, realizing that emotions can not be trusted as they can not be tested in space and time for eternity as this proofs it is untrustworthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust feelings instead of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can trust feeling yet I do not even understand how they are created and where they originate from and thus I realize that unless I understand feeling I can not trust anything that can not be tested in space and time in the physical that can stand for eternity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can trust thoughts in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust thoughts that pop up in my mind instead of trusting me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust me first and to give my self trust a change first before I give into thoughts/feeling/emotions of which I do not even know their origin and where they come from, yet I trust them as being real and reliable, when reality have clearly shown me that trusting thoughts/feelings/emotions always end up hurting me or others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can trust my mind when I do not even understand the mind and how it functions, yet I give it all my trust instead of trusting myself within and as the physical as that which I can test for myself in real time.
I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to simply trust myself in each moment and to instead trust the thoughts/feelings/emotions/fears/doubts/ hesitations/insecurities
I forgive myself that I have never given myself the chance of trusting myself unconditionally and to instead rather trust everything else that only brings me down and holds me back such as thoughts/feelings/emotions/fears/doubts/ hesitations/insecurities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that trust is based on knowledge and information, realizing that this is only the mind again attempting to control self to trust self in fact, as knowledge and information will only create fear and doubt and stop self from trusting self in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to think a lot about something before I trust myself, realizing that If I stand as LIFE and what is best for all life as who I am than everything I do in self trust without any knowledge and information will always be self honest within the best interest of all life in all ways, realizing I can only fear trusting myself if I know what I am doing isn't best for all life in all ways but based on self interest and as the ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself to do what is best for all life in all ways as WHO I AM in each breathe, realizing as I am Life all that I do will be for Life in all ways, and thus no ego, no self interest as self dishonesty can manifest as consequences but only what is best for all life.
I commit myself to stop all or any trust I have placed in the web of the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions and to instead trust myself in and as the physical with in applying myself in space and time as that which can stand the test of time within what is best for all life in all ways.
I commit myself to stop all or any trust that I have placed with in knowledge and information before I have actually lived it and tested it for myself to be trust worthy, to not trust the knowledge and information but to trust myself in the physical application with in what is best for all life in all ways.
I commit myself to stop any and all trust that I have placed within energetic experiences that I do not even understand how they were created and where it comes from, to instead trust myself in and as the physical as that which is real and can be seen, where I can apply myself as self trust in each breathe as that which is best for all life.
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