Feeling Trapped - Day 660

When I was a teenager, I had a secret bag in my closet, packed with what I deemed "survival gear" lol. This bag was a manifestation of my readiness to sneak out of the house and disappear, to run away, to get out of the TRAP we call life.

I would lay in my bed at night, spending a lot of my time thinking about how I would run away, where I would go, what I would do, even to the point where I would be willing to kill others on my journey if they wanted to harm me. I would then think about how to hide the bodies, what to do with the bodies to not be caught, I had the idea that since I am a runaway, no one would suspect me, or find me.

My idea of running away once manifested for about 45min, I climbed out of a window with my bad, I started walking, down the street, it was very dark, very quiet, and I knew where I wanted to go.

I walked all the way to the highway which stretched for hundreds of kilometers away from everything into the wilderness of life. I stood still at this highway, I took in the cool fresh air, I looked around a bit, taking in the view. Then I heard a few men and bottles behind me moving and making noises, I immediately RAN as fast as I could all the way back to my parent's house, climbed into the back through the window and got back into bed.

My idea was shattered. I remained trapped in this world, I could not even leave my home freely, without fear of being murdered, kidnapped and who knows what else.

I had this feeling of being trapped no matter where I was, with friends, family, new people I lived with, relationships, name it all, I always ended up feeling trapped, stuck, like whatever I am in now is the reason for me to feel trapped, so I HAD to get the fuck out, IF I got out, well you guessed it, I felt trapped again not too long after in the new place, new people, new everything.

I became addicted to certain music, trance, techno, and many other types of music as a way to escape into my mind, eventually, I felt trapped by the music lol.

With walking my Desteni process I asked myself one question on a day after doing some great self-forgiveness - what if I am the trap, that traps everything and everyone else, what if I am responsible for trapping things through my constant experience of being trapped as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to TRAP other people within my experience of being trapped, and so actually create and manifest not just the experience of being a victim that is trapped, but live in such a way that I actually trap myself and others within my reality as being trapped as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within the thoughts that I am trapped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within my own patterns and habits designed and laid out of that being trapped, and so actually trap myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see reality as a trap, and so see everyone else as people that t that want to trap me, and thus already create distrust within me towards others based on an illusionary world in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize the trap I have been trying to run away from was/is within me as the mind, as the thoughts/behaviors/patterns that I participate within religiously as truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others through constantly holding the judgement within me that they are stupid trapped people that does not even know it and so they are less than human, and more like zombies, and so use people only for my own persuit of happiness in escaping the trap and being free, while trapping everyone else by abusing them.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how I abuse others and do onto others exactly that which I fear is being done onto me within my MIND as an idea/feeling/thought, and yet manifesting it into reality through my living/bahaviour and patterns.
I forgive myself that I have not seen how I caused and created a TRAP of fear for my parents of me wanting to run away, out of a fear and feeling of msyelf for being trapped.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to SEE and realize how I trapped women in pamen in pain and emotional turmoil by cheating on them, breaking up with them just because I felt trapped.

I forgive myself that I have not seen and realized that I as teh paranoid and fearfull person of being trapped, causes and causes enslavement and entrapment through my actions to want to GET out only for myself, and so in the process abuse and trap everyone else. yet I never seem to get out but only more and more trapped as I try to get out.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realize that the more I want to get out of the trap of being poor, thus not being rich and so pushing to get out at any cost, I am pushing others int poverty and trapping them in the exact position that I want to get out of.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized that I must stop, simply stop, any and all enegry, all movement within as energy, breathe and move myself from HERE as a single point of movement as living what is best for all standing one and equal as ALL that is here, to see and realize that we are ALL trapped, and we ALL want the same, feel the same, need the same in common sense, and so there is NO way only I am getting out unless we all get out one and equal, where getting our does not mena running away, but where we all stand for and as each other in oneness and equalyt, changing the system, supporting one another within personal change, and not to push someone else down so that one can be ontop.

Fear of being BEATEN, and the Truth of truth - Day 659

Story: I am 6 years old, there is a party of some sorts at my home. Lots of people have shown up. Everyone is walking around or sitting and talking. There were no kids of my age, just me among the bigger people.

Between all the partying, I found myself looking for a place I can hang out, so I naturally went to my mother. She was busy talking to other ladies, so I was told to not interrupt. I decided to stand there and rather listen, to some degree that was entertaining, to hear what people talk about and say.

As I was standing on the grass listening to my mother speaking, I noticed they were speaking about other people, my mother said something about something, I could not remember, At that moment something came over me in relation to what my mother said, I knew she was LYING, and it slipped out of my mouth, I interrupted my mothers conversation and I said directly to her, you are lying!!

My mother, very quickly corrected me, through threatening me in her words and her presence, telling me, YOU DO NOT SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT, she looked like she was going to assault me, I had a massive rush of fear coming over me - the next thing my mother said, GO to your room before I slap you. I turned away and I did not know what to make of what just happened.

I was told to not speak the truth or I will be beaten and threatened and possibly die. I walked away to my room crying by myself. I part me felt broken at that point, a new fear arose within me, a fear of control.

I remember from that point on, I never said the "truth" again, I always stayed quiet where I could, not saying what I knew or saw, but rather see how I could make a story up, or simply avoid anything that placed me in a position where I knew "better" and had to deal with myself and my fears to not speak what I knew. As a Kid at that age, I did not have any alternative motives to not speak the truth, so now an alternative motive became my very own fear of talking the truth, and now, how to NOT speak the truth (truth is to not deny what is here) but rather say nothing or make up an excuse, or to paint a different picture instead.

Present moment:

So now, many many years later, I have found myself "lost" within how do I speak what I see, in the fear of the person or people involved might react, revolt, or even go further and BEAT me, now when I say the word beat here, I am referring to either physically or with words/knowledge - as both can harm, the sword or the tongue. I get overwhelmed with this fear, especially when I know what I see, and so instead of speaking, I become my mother - I react just as she did at that moment when I was 6, I become possessed, I have no way of directing the fear, and so I rather go into anger and let my shit out that way, as I suppressed truth over time, I created a demon that will never allow me to speak truth, as it possesses me before I could ever say what I truly wanted to say and end up saying all the backchat and thoughts that accumulated in fear.

Through the Desteni Message and principles, with all the tools available, I have now come to see even more, as I have learned about self-honesty, I have come to also see the difference between what is TRUTH as in honesty as deception, and what is Truth as in self-honesty and self -assessment.

Truth can be the truth, if someone is lying and I call it out, then I am speaking the truth, yet am I speaking out from the starting point of what is best for all? or for a self-interested point? as I reflected on that moment/memory, when I was 6 years old, I saw that I said out loud to my mother that she is lying, because I myself wanted to get back at my mother for not allowing me to participate in the conversation, so I used the truth to give myself a winning moment, this was very subtle, but damn was this truth of myself hiding deep down and years of hate and resentment took place, and only through walking my process in self-forgiveness and investigating my past, was I able to see how I have used this memory for years to hold something against my mother, and ignoring the truth of who I was within doing what I did, thus blaming and not seeing the equal and one participation of both sides that took place.

I used I was just a child, I was a child was pure and innocent, so I was right, I was broken by your words mother, for years this ran in my head because I used it to NOT have to take responsibility and to get away with my own shit within myself.

I share this story and moment to once again give the point forward of how important it is to walk your process and to stop the games playing our lives, and so LOOk at the truth of who I am, who you are in fact, really slow down and see into your memories for real, see the points, and realize the truth of who I am must be life, not some game of minds.

This walking of this point for myself, brought forgiveness to me and for me to my mother, as it gave understanding (disclosure). I also realized how easily I am my mother, and she me.

Breaking Inner and OuterBoundaries - Day 658

The word for the day for me is BOUNDARIES

My horror scope is Aries and in the word boundARIES there is this Aries, typically a symbol of a RAM, and its ruling planet is MARS, it is the element of FIRE.

BOUNd is a leaping movement towards or over something.

Now boundaries is lines marking the limits of an area, a dividing line.

So, here we have this word with two words in it, the two words within it is that of BREAKING the word they together form/make. A RAM will break boundaries and ram into it, push it, get itself on the other side, and it will do so with the movement of bound, leaping towards it or over it.
What I am doing here with this word is - I am looking at what it is opening up for me at the moment while exploring it real time here. like reading Osho cards.

What comes up within me, I see that I have the COURAGE to when I see boundaries within me that I have created towards other people, how to interact with them, and when and howto BOUND over that line, take that step to go talk to them, interact, open up what I define as "intimate" moments, YET I disregard the courage, I rather take the RAM inside of me that can easily BOUND to something new and maintain the boundaries.

I do this, as I see within me that I have a "missing piece" so to say. I do not KNOW how to be, who to be, what to say when real things open up, emotional things, I fear the worst will and can happen such as someone breaking down, and I am then to blame for breaking the boundaries and so opening the flood gates, and this leads to me instead remaining lame, not moving.

I then have this Energy (Inner G) that builds up of accumulated rage, as the couRAGE to break boundaries is denied, that then needs direction, and this is where I then become the RAm breaking the wrong boundaries so to say, boundaries that are unnecessary to break and that leads to consequences.

This is where the RAM as a MAR(S) planet comes out (mars resembles WAR) and I declare war onto myself, as I am now fighting with myself, to break the boundaries that matter that requires actual courage, versus the easy boundaries that I break out of rage that only causes self-harm and more diminishment of myself.

The reason being, I know that the boundaries I need to break with people will actually matter, not just for the sake of moving forward, but to actually support and assist each other as equals, and not just on face value. This is what matters, realness within self-honesty.

So now, I must whenever I see a point within me, where there is a window, a moment to BOUND myself forward as the RAM of Aries to LEAP over the resistance and to go into the "unknown to learn intimacy, softness, to get rid of the programmed war machine within myself, and so others.

Thus I must break the word boundaries first as in it isn't real, to then unleash the potential words to live as BOUND and the ANIMAL ram, to ram forward into actual growth and potential.

When I think about what others think about me Day 657

When we THINK about what OTHERS are thinking about US, we must realize the obvious within such a moment, we are in fact thinking it about ourselves what we think others think about us, as it is happening in our heads.

For a long time in my life, and even still today, I had the thought and a consistent perception within ME that others see me, and think of me, not so clever, bright/smart.

I used to apply self-forgiveness in a way that validated MY thinking, where I would say I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by what others think of me" - this is in fact BLAME and revealed how little I understood.

How in the first place do I know what others are thinking of me in their minds? I am not a mind reader, I can not see thoughts, and how important do I think I am that if I could see peoples thoughts, that their thoughts would be about me all the time?

Secondly, When I look at it for real, I am the one thinking about myself all the time, thinking and thinking, about myself, and I am the one thinking about how stupid/dumb I am, as I am the one constantly in my mind comparing myself to others, making myself MORE than others as to hide the comparison that I see myself as LESS than.

Thus, my self-forgiveness (when I catch myself in such thoughts of what others are thinking about me) should be - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am dumb/stupid - this way taking it back to myself, and as you can see, a LOT more opens up for me to work through and actually move forward within my process as myself.

I write this #backtoself as a reminder for myself and others that when we have thoughts about others when we think what others are thinking about us, we must realize the obvious, it is happening within us, and it is US and we must take responsibility accordingly.

Vlog - Stopping Sex Desires and Fantasies in/for Relationships Support

I am NOT IMPORTANT - Day 655

I am NOT important

To think you are important can be the biggest thing that holds you back from living your fullest potential.

Here is my self-forgiveness on this topic of thinking I am important. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to THINK that I am important. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the idea as a thought within my mind that I am important.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to look at why and what I believe of myself to be important and where these believes come from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk and talk as if I am important and thus more than others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be important gives me value as a being, and so I value everything of everyone else except that of myself as principle as who I am and thus stand by as life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am important t than I am destined of r great things that is better than other people’s destinies, thus not seeing and realizing that within this I will do and act in ways that PUSH others down just so that I can be important. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEEL and believe that IF I am not important in the eyes of others then I will have no value and meaning as a being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to WANT to be important as to be seen as MORE than others as to not have to live in FEAR f others as I believe that the idea of being important from others naturally takes away my own fears and insecurities of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR not being important and thus irrelevant and useless to others and so myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be raised without question by my parents that I am important/special and so more than other people, where this was told to me as an insecurity from my parents of believes they already had of me as NOT being capable, as not surviving in this world and so I had to have an idea of myself as being MORE and so being important, yet accepting and allowing through this within me the polarity of intense fear of not being important and thus NOT surviving/living in this world and failing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within myself the FEAR of that if I am not important then I do not exist and may as well then self-destruct and abuse, and so using the IDEA of I am important as a way to “motivate” myself to be better, to be more than what I believe of myself, SEEING and realizing that this is  a band aid that can be harshly ripped off if I suddenly do not feel important and go into all the point that I believe if myself negatively as the polarity playouts. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that how I LOOK makes me important and even so more important than others and how they look like in comparison. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to SEE my life story and what I have gone through and lived as SO fucking important and thus MORE than others that I hold onto this false Idea of what my life means, what it should mean, what it is going to mean, and in the meantime glorifying my own story and making it so important that I am bound to not be important as I disregard all other stories as equally important just to keep myself important to have value and meaning, even going to the lengths of making my story more than what it is just to get that attention of look how important I am. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-interest to the degree of selling myself out completely to FEAR just to be important and so give up my living, my expression and my natural breathing in the fear of it not being important enough and losing within this life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize how the idea of me being so fucking important has crippled me from actually being important to myself in a way that matters to me and to all life equally as who I am and standing as, where there is no fear and only self-honesty. 

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that as long as I believe that I a important with a special mission this life, I will always fail as the importance and specialness does not and never will match reality and only creates FEAR of failure and so losing importance and thus never actually being able to take the steps that is needed for change, but rather holding on to a fake state of importance and security as EGO/Illusion. 

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized that as long as I trap myself within the idea/opinion and vision of myself as being important, or someone that will be important, that I trap myself in absolute anxiety and fear of LIVING as everything I do and say and live can always possibly be a failure and that an act of simply not existing or deserving to exist as a mind fuck. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I am No ONE then I have NOTHING to lose, to fear to be anxious about, and ONLY everything to GIVE as who I am standing within my principle as what is best for all LIFE. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others within living in a state of self-importance as an imposed state of being within this reality onto others and so suffocating other people through my own self-importance. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself through living in an illusionary world of my ego as a believer of myself that I am somehow magically important, and thus more than others, where I destroy what is REAL for that which does not exist. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I speak/talk to other people to always have this stance within me of that I am the important person within the conversation and not the other person and so within this Gain nothing and Give nothing except keeping myself trapped in a bubble of illusion. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it HARD within myself to see myself as in fact equal to another human being/life, where I have accepted and allowed the judgment as back chat to exist within me of “ I am doing something different than the other person, I am doing things different,  am different, and this other person is just a normal person” and so I use this as I am more and important and this other normal person isn’t because they are normal, and so disconnect myself from reality here completely and distance myself from actually walking my process as myself real time with the other being and including them in my “different” and vice versa to come to a reality of what s best for all in fact. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to GIVE as little as possible through holding onto the idea/believe that I am important and so have to do less and give less. Thus seeing and realizing that I must be NOTHING and so I have everything to give as I have NOTHING to lose, as they believe and idea of I am important ONLY creates a fear of consistent loss on a physical and emotional level as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as my value, and so my value is everything except one and equal as LIFE.

I fear that when I have nothing to lose, then there is nothing that can stop me from living fully as life (not the idea of life FYI) being careful here of ego again. 

I fear nothing when I have nothing to lose, and what I fear the most to lose is the idea of myself, the believe and these ideas and believes is what I value myself as through others, when my value is that of LIFE one and equal and walking in principle as who I am, then there is nothing to lose and only everything to give.

Bernard Poolman Quote Number 1 - Practical Application in Writing

First - Getting it, that thoughts are not normal. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to fully consider in all dimensions how the mind functions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the mind as just something that is here and that it needs no further attention from me as to research and study the functions within all of its dimensions of and as the mind to truly understand that which I use every day.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider truly what the mind is in fact as MYSELF as the creator and user of this tool that currently runs my life, my world and so all that is within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to THINK (using the mind) that it will be too much for me to handle to understand the mind within all its dimensions and how it functions through walking my process of writing, self-forgiveness, and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to be humble within learning about the mind, consciousness, thoughts, feelings, and emotions through taking on my process with Desteni/Eqafe and all the tools available to gain the access that is here of the research and investigations that have been done, to learn about the very thing I use daily, and that in fact at this moment has authority over me and my life yet have no understanding of how it works, and so no directive within my own life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that the MIND as the very thing I use daily that has control over me, evident by the fact that there is me talking to myself, a voice talking to me, thoughts coming up within me, feelings and emotions possessing me, without me knowing why or how and for what reasons and yet directing my life in every possible way, is the one thing that will also try every trick in the book to prevent me from gaining authority as LIFE, as the mind is an AI system that has taken charge of the body and wants to stay in control.

I forgive myself that I also have NOT seen and realized that the MINd is me and that I have given the mind permission through my acceptances and allowances of TIME to control, direct and enslave me to its designs of energy such as thoughts, feelings, and emotions, using my experiences against me to remain in control. and so WHEN I want to stand up, listen to Eqafe, write, apply self-forgiveness, the MIND who has my permission will inject me with any experience as to paralyze me to actually move myself, may it be with tiredness, lethargy, excitement, thoughts of entertainment, it knows me better than I know myself and so I can and will lead me into temptation, and so I see that I must WILL myself within this process to MOVE regardless of what the mind throws at me and BREATHE out of the thoughts, experiences and move to what I set myself out to do within my process.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized that what I am dealing with as me here currently is, in fact, YEARS of accumulated and layered thoughts within me, as memories, as experiences, as self-definitions, as self-values that I have to work through and move through within myself, and so I see and realize that I must not be hard on myself, yet disciplined, willed.

I forgive myself that I have NOT been self-honest about how thoughts come and accumulate if I do not forgive them effectively, and not come and go as I would like to think. Thus seeing and realizing that every single thought has a consequence within and as me and will reveal itself again to me after mutating, until I stop the thought, see the thought, understand the thought, where it comes from, what is it's purpose and playout consequences and so stand one4 and equal as the thought as me and thus not giving it power/authority over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify certain thoughts as needed and some thoughts as necessary based on an event that happened, or something that might happen, or how I feel, may it be happy or stressed, and so give way to thoughts to play and dance around in my mind, within my body and take control as MIND CONTROL of me as the being here as life.

I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized that any thought that I accept and allow gives acceptance and allowance to all thoughts, as a thought (negative or positive) is regarded as a thought by the mind and all the mind cares about is being FED energy as illusion as an addiction, and not what the thought represents, as the MIND cares for energy, does not matter the polarity of it, as long as there is polarity to keep creating and manifesting friction/stimulation to generate more energy as to prevent/stop me as the being from self-realizing as life here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR truly stopping any and all thoughts and to live here directly within my reality within moments, as seeing directly, an ability that is natural, yet naturally not here due to no self-honesty and standing by principle, and thus thoughts have become what I trust even when they have proven time and time again that they can not be trusted, and so created a relationship of comfort with the mind as thoughts and so fear true content without thoughts/thinking and living here in and as breath as life considering all that is here as self within direct seeing.

A moment with myself - Day 653

Business, I am in a state of business.

Everything is moving within me, outside of me.

I am thinking.

I have emotions within me belly.

I am busy on my PC with work.

Children are screaming around me,

I am also in constant communication with my colleagues about arrangement, things that needs to happen, meetings, chats.

I am thinking about what I still need to do today for tomorrow, the day after, to have things run smooth.

I feel anxious, stressed.

I find a focussed point, to moderate social media platform.

I move on it.

I still feel this emotional business within my belly.

I know, I cannot go further with this in my belly.

Slow down, way down.

I focus on the emotions in my belly, I call the emotions up

See the emotion, recognise it, feel it to know it.

Stop rushing and being busy as to run away from it.

I see, this emotion shows to me "survival".

I am in a state of fear of survival, not as to be in the bush with wild animals.

The survival is of myself, my reality, who I am as surviving within myself.

I see, all my actions would have been contaminated within this fear, thus not pure as my expression.

I stop. 

I stop everything I am doing in an appropriate moment considering all.

I give to myself silence, I forgive, as I can see.

I breathe through my nose, I relax my body.

As my breath move through my belly it breaks apart the emotions, it purifies it, I allow myself to unconditionally let go of the emotions, I give to myself a new clean slate forward.

I know I can stand and move through what ever comes, is, will be. 

I embrace what comes up within the emotions, I see it, and I see who I am within the fears.

I change within myself what I see myself as within the fears to be that which is the best of me, walking in reality, stability, not as fear, anxiety and insecureties. 

I write, I forgive, and I breathe.

There is nothing that anyone can do to me – repeat this daily as suggested by Bernard Poolman.

I then see and realize that all that is done to me is because of me so I see that, I realize that, therefor I stop, embrace silence – let go of fear, anxiety, stress, hopes, desires, expectations. Be here as reality always within the consideration of all life. No emotion needed, no feelings needed, only expression as self, direct here.