Day 370 - Care about what others think and you will always be their prisoner - Part1

Do I care what other think about me? Yes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what other people think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I spend all my focus and time on imprisoning myself into caring about what others think about me that my focus and attention on anything else I do is always at minimum and thus I can never do my best as I will always actually only do my best in preventing others from thinking bad about me or anything else or what they should think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as I am living day in and day out caring about what others are thinking about me through my behaviors/words all day long that my reality/world is extremely tiny as I am within this only existing in my head in my immediate survival mode, not seeing or realizing LIFE here as me one and equal, and then I question myself, why am I doing this? 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend all my time caring about what others are thinking about me in the fear of that they might think bad about me and then treat me badly, seeing and realizing that if my treatment towards them isn’t that of do onto another as you would like to be done onto, then I will only get back one and equal what I give, and thus I see and realize that when and as I stop caring what others think about me, that it does not mean be mean and a bitch and shit head to everyone, it means live by principal that is BEST for all LIFE within self-honesty, not to be nice or bad, but to do onto another as you would like to be done onto.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about what other people think about me then what I care about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I care about what other people think about me, I become self-conscious about myself and create a state of mentality like a robot living between lines to remain within the Ideas/beliefs/opinions of others and mostly that which is only in my head as expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I care about what others think about me, that I am within that “caring” and “behavior” enslaving and imprisoning myself to my mind within a certain thought pattern and thinking line and that it will always control and direct me and my life till I die, never living or even have one breathe of Life as me as the physical expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Imprison myself within my mind within certain Ideas/believes/opinions of what I believe others CARE about when they see me and that I must live up to this “care” all the time, seeing and realizing how all MY time is a waste of time to live a life of caring what others think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see and realize that when and as I “live” only to care about what others think about me, and to accordingly enslave myself to the way I create myself to fit the ideas/believes/opinions I have within my mind as Pictures/thoughts/memories of what it is people care about and want to see me as, that I will never be able to see what actually matters in life and start caring for what is real, as I am constantly busy with caring about bullshit Images and pictures and Ideas/beliefs and opinions.

Day 369 – Positivity as paranoia Part 3

Day 367 – Positivity as paranoia Part1

Day 368 – Positivity as paranoia Part2

As I wrote down Positivity I saw within that word how it is all about the I, as there are three I’s in that one word, and this I isn’t the real EYE that see physically, it is the I of self-interest that focuses only on self and self’s happiness, on self’s positivity. 

So ask myself, why would I want to live a life where I always only focus on being happy and positive, or maybe I should ask myself the right question here, HOW will I live a life of only happiness, of only positivity, it requires some form of motivation.

And what better way of motivating oneself through using negativity, FEAR and paranoia.

I have been chased by a dog once, I was riding on my bike and suddenly this dog came out of nowhere, around me was a lot of fields and bush and I was riding on a dirt road, this dog was coming full speed, I had a BIG reaction, my chest was electrified with energy, negative energy, loads of fear, I lifted my ass and started to push those pedals hard and fast, because as I was experiencing this Fear and I was obviously paranoid, a lot of paranoia, Irrational fear – expecting the worst, I was going to die.

It was a big dog, I was fast on my bike, but the dog was also fast on his four legs, I only now realized that I created a shit load of irrational fear (paranoia) to stimulate enough positive energy where I would be motivated to get my ass up and peddle as hard and as fast as possible to get away, I was positive that I would make it, I would make it, even though the chances seemed like I was going to die, In my head of course, it’s called paranoia. 

I eventually came to the downhill part and went faster, the dog chased and I just could not go on anymore, I was tired and overwhelmed with fear, I drove into the bushes and hit a tree while not looking, just keeping my eye on the dog, I fell off my bike and I was really worried, but it was quite. I did not head a single bird sing, the dog was gone, I cached my breathe and I got myself and my bike up and ready, and I paddled away. 

I was very confused about what just happened, but I did not feel positive or negative after that event, I was physically exhausted and breathing a lot.

Back to the original point from day one and Day two on this topic, now giving that example of how I used Negativity as paranoia to stimulate and motivate me to be positive I am most curious to where in my Life am I still doing this, or have I always done this.

If I look at my childhood years and how Christianity was pumped into the heads of the children of all the things about SATAN and GOD, Satan was that point of irrational fear, that point of keeping the kids paranoid the whole time and thus to do the right thing, the positive things, which is believing in god and most of all to fear god because he is a loving god, fuck look at all that paranoia linked to positivity, trained and programmed into me and all the other children. 

The question then comes, does positivity really exist if all and any positivity requires negativity to motivate its existence, to stimulate the existence of positivity, I mean if people did not fear they would not have required love, because love is unidentifiable without hate/without fear, love is just a word of nothingness if love in its sound does not mirror its opposite to self of NOT being loved, being hated, not being accepted/special and all the bs.

When the word love is used it isn’t just a word of love, it is a word of Hate and love, because the word love must remind each and every person using it of all the opposites negative hateful things that isn’t love for that word to have any meaning, it must place a person in a state of paranoia when one is told that one is loved for love to have it meaning.

To be continued.

Day 368 – Positivity as paranoia Part 2

Day 367 – Positivity as paranoia Part1

When everyone becomes positive, you must know there is paranoia. See there is a difference between practicality and positivity. 

Using practicality does not require one to be positive, because being practical works on math, there is a outcome, either way, it isn’t expected to be positive or negative.

When one uses positivity to solve problems then it is backed by paranoia, because the outcome is left in the air, with hope and faith, it is like being positive while crossing a red light at a robot. 

Practicality is, wait at the red light and then cross when it is green, it takes time and patience but you will cross. 

Continuing from the last blog -- “Here is how I used positivity to hide and cloak the paranoia, the reality, the facts when and as I started happening to me and still is……. “

When I started working as a car salesmen I was placed within the second hand department to train and to sell, not long after that I was moved to the new car department, I lost a bit of motivation within this transition because I spend all my training in the second hand department, knowing the cars and how to sell them through observation. 

I was paranoid because here I am with bran new cars, how do I sell them, what I need to know about them, they are from China and they are not well known. 

So I said to myself, I will learn, I will get it, I will sell these cars, it must be easy. I have no choice, so here I lose another two weeks getting the hang of the new floor and getting into the way the floor works around there, plus learning to know the cars, then I spend all my Time never being there, I was used to drive and to pick up and to transport and to do all kinds of things, people sometimes even forgot I worked there. 

Then it started slowing down, I started getting my position right, I started going less and less away by the second month on the new cars sales section, a week in they suddenly changed me again to the second hand cars department again, this fucked me around again, I still haven’t sold one car.

This is where the paranoia came in again, I have been moved again, I have been de-rooted from my foundation again, I now have to only sell second hand cars again, I have to forget everything I learned about the new cars and focus on how to sell the used ones, I was there for two weeks without really being send away as usual, I thought this is good, I can now focus on selling a car for ones. 

And so I became positive again, I stayed positive, I had to stay positive, or the paranoia would get me, I have been in the car sales business for three months and not one car sold, I haven’t made any money, I have only spend money and lots and lots of time basically doing everything besides selling a car. I was paranoid that I would always be used to do everyone’s small jobs and favors and never have time for selling cars, but I stayed positive that it will and have to end someday, telling myself that every day, maybe today is the day. 

So I saw these two weeks as a thumbs up for this is it, I am now in a stable position where I can dedicate my focus to getting clients and making money, sell cars. 

Then the Royal show was coming up, this is a show that the NEW car sales department participates within, which I am not a part of, yet the boss and manager said, I must do it for the experienced, for which I agreed, the people experience, the show experience and all that. 

This was going to be another ten days that I will not sell a car guaranteed, as the show is more for advertisement purposes, But I agreed, I believed that the experience will get me to be a good sales person, to get over the people issues and to reality, so I can work with any and all people equally. 

After ten days of being at the Royal show and basically being alone there with thousands of people that can testify to that while we were supposed to be six people rotating, which never happened, it was a great physical experience for me to push through, standing alone as my own support. Really cool stuff. 

So I got back to work, I went on to call all my leads I collected from the Royal show and I got absolutely no sales from that, how pathetic, even after all the evidence of me not selling a car I somehow managed to stay “positive” because I was paranoid of what has already happened, all the time and money I spend making nothing of it all, even with the most busy show in the City I did not make one sale, with all the Hundreds of people I talked to and that made promises, nothing.

Two days after the show the boss comes to me, and he says, you are moving back to the NEW car sales department, I said oaky, since I had the royal show I know these cars like they are written on the back of my brain/hand, it will be a good move this time. For the best, I will definitely sell a car now.

But as before just like in the beginning when I started, Nothing happens on the floor in terms of customers and selling cars, I am just send around to do other jobs, I don’t mind, it is better than sitting around and doing nothing, but I might just lose that one customer that might walk in when I am gone, see the paranoia there linked to that positive idea of a customer might walk in. 

So I am back at the New car sales department, for about a week, just two days ago I was send to the BOTTOM, I am now not even on the show grounds/room, I was send to go sell cars outside far away from the building next to a parking lot, I have no office, I have to work out of a car and throw a show every day outside.

Here I can sell new and old cars, that’s a good deal for me, I do not mind, I am away from the boss and manager that always ask me to do all their things, like fetching their food, taking them somewhere, picking something up for them, fuck go and pay their bills or get their post. 

I am now open and away with the options of selling new and old cars, they are all there on display, just I have no office or phone or books or anything, it’s a tricky business. 

In one day I got four walk ins onto my parking lot, usually that happens in a week.

See how positive I am, because it has almost been four months now and I haven’t sold a damn thing, I don’t even know what to do with a client if they want to buy a car right now. That’s how much I have been trained. 

So the positivity I have been creating has only been to avoid the facts, the truth, the paranoia of ignoring the evidence that space and time is showing me. 

This does not mean quite your job now, this simply is to show how positivity hasn’t helped me to sell a fucking car, positivity has not helped me to get the business, it has only helped me to prolong the disease of hope and faith instead of taking real action. 

To be continued.