Clarification before reading.. This is a point I am actively still walking. I knew once I hit a spot in the blog, I had to keep going. So it is a long one and exposes some dark mind points, and consider this isn't ALL the time, it is in moments..yet in the background sub-consciously it is lurking always.
Support - Future of consciousness - The dark mind - https://eqafe.com/p/the-dark-mind-the-future-of-consciousness-part-80
I have this point within me, It gets me every single time in any negative moment where there is a very specific type of interaction with a person, especially with the people I share an environment with. I have struggled to clearly identify the cause of this problem, but I know I know the problem, it simply requires me to write it out.
I know for a fact that I judge people, I judge people through the disguise of "analyzing" them and placing them a certain way in my mind, a way to feel secure and safe, as if I know that person based on the data I have accumulated from them simply through observation, and what I observe I filter through MY mind and how I see things, not how they truly are.
So what is my filter through which I analyze people? and place people in my world, I want to feel that I am in control of my world and so the people, I want to feel that I know the people in my world, Even when that knowing is completely fabricated in my mind based on my observations that are deemed as viable through my filers of judgements and perspective of reality (which is my brainwashing) This also means that I want to be seen as a certain person in my world, which is to always be LIKED, to have a NICE relationship with people, a good one that does not cause any conflict.
BUT, I know that in my judgments as "analyzing" others I tent to only do the negative aspects of analyzing a person, as this is how I know what NOT to do or say and so avoid those points completely. I want the good and nice things, so no point in analyzing that as that can come anytime and I welcome it, so really all I have to do is control myself and act in a way where I always avoid the negatives and thus all that will remain is the positives right??? No, completely wrong.
Sure living this way creates a lot of neutral interactions and calm looking living environments, but underneath it inside I carry this massive database of NEGATIVE judgements of all the people around me, which in essence is me actually saying I am surrounded by enemies to myself, everyone is out to get me, to hurt me, to take me down, and all it will take is one wrong move to trigger anyone and everyone.
So what happens when I do make a wrong move, or when something does come up, like a confrontation from another person? well, a ton of bricks come down on me and everyone else, that is what happens.ALL the back chat, all the mannerisms and behaviors and actions I have ever judged and observed from another person as negative and held within me as their wrong doing comes up.
Here is the trick, while I am in the position of having a confrontation or something being pointed out to me as being wrong, and then all the points of the other person of people comes up within me as a way of now defending myself and attacking them to deflect the points brought to me, I go into an absolute reaction, my heart PUMPS with adrenaline, as i have so much ammunition to throw at them, I have no idea where to start, what to say or how to say it, and so within this I lose all perspective, even on my own points and what is being shown to me.
My heart pumps so heavy I can see my shirt bouncing on my chest and my eyes even start vibrating, I have no control and the only thing I can do is breathe, as every word I want to say simply makes it worse, like i might have a heart attack. Because I put so much value into defending myself, into not being wrong as the identity I have given myself that even the slightest thing that can point to me as being wrong, breaks that entire identity, and thus my world and control.
I still find it hard to really put it into words, as I must still fully understand this point within me. Thus moving on to self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I hear someone/people talking about me, or wanting to talk to me in a confronting manner, to go into an immediate state of self-defense, where I in that moment make all my thoughts and thinking about all the wrong's the other person/people have done to prepare myself for a defensive attack on them as to not have to deal with what could possibly be said to me or brought up for/about me to look at, deal with, to be wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of WAR when and as I feel like someone might confront me, or if they are confronting me in the fear of being wrong, of being shown how wrong I am, or useless I am, or incompetent I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am useless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as useless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Give myself the value of nothing/zero.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am wrong, I am always wrong, and always in the wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a wrong being, that me being here is wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a wrong person, someone that will always be wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up in the fear of being wrong, in the wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that MY perspective on any feedback or issues about me is wrong, how I do things, see things, and so react within the fear of no one will understand me and pre-amtivetly already lose.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen and judged as being incompetent, or being blind sided by something I did not consider and thus judged for as being incompetent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and judge myself as being incompetent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being incompetent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an immediate state of assumption that if someone wants to talk to me about something that they are confronting me to show me how bad I am, or what I did wrong, or to get me to feel bad, to look bad, to bring me down, and so pre-maturely already go into full on attack mode and raise my heart and temperature up so high I cant even speak or do anything properly even after hearing it is something else than what I assumed and attack anyway.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people are out to make me feel bad, and so always feel like I must not allow them the opportunity and in return make the other person feel bad first.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make others feel bad and shitty before they can even put their points forth and have a normal conversation about a point that might be about an issues regarding me or where I am involved in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do onto others FIRST what I do not want to be done onto me in the fear of them doing it to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling bad, looking bad or being wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge feeling bad, or being wrong as being bad and wrong and so go in circles.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being brought down, to be taken down, to lose in a conversation or argument where I am the loser and so must change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to be shown and for it to be revealed to me that I must change, especially when I know it and have been hiding from the fact.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place an illusion of myself in my mind where in my mind I am "doing everything I can, and everyone else isn't" and so always within my mind I am standing in a state of comparison to see if everyone is doing as much as I am, and always in my mind I am doing the most, and so when I am being confronted with not doing enough here or there, not doing my best, I take it super personal as I feel inferior people doing not as much as I am is pointing things out to me while they should be the ones doing more and stop looking at what I am doing. <--- this one hit a nail on the head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and see others as inferior to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a consistent EGO trip in my mind where I am apparently more and everyone else is less, and so must learn from me, and if I am ever given a lesson by someone else I react and immediately seek to destroy that person by pointing out their wrongs, bad things, and bring them down.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to DESIRE to destroy others emotionally by pointing out their lack, weaknesses, and make them feel bad and wrong just so that I can feel better about myself (here it is a desire, I do not act on it, stop it/suppress it, to clarify) as back chat in sudden moments will come up where I see opportunity in my direct reality to make a point, where the point I usually want to make is to hurt the other person, as a way of getting back at them from previous times, with pictures and emotions of anger and reactions running within me, I stop this and usually suppress it, breathe and move on, yet it accumulates into me not connecting or actually getting to know others (distance).
I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized how much I am still living as the ego within my mind as my thoughts, back chat and the emotions and feelings that go with it, where I am always within myself standing above others, feeling I am more, better and have a certain RIGHT, and so always walking around in a state of being a tyrant, a sensitive land mind ready to explode if anyone dares step on me, yet believe that I am good, I am a person that is good and humble.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the VISION and Projection of me to be a false LIE within my head where I place myself in a state of being burdened with all the work I do, all the EXTRA apparent work I do, and that I am doing soooo much more than everyone else, that this lie has become a state of privilege within me to only boost my EGO and so create a soup scenario where I apparently have advantage over others by just throwing my burdened life onto them when ever they want to talk to me about something to get our of jail free card.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how nasty it is to have the thoughts in my mind of comparison towards others of where I am always in a consistent state of seeing others through my mind in my imaginary world not doing enough, not doing as much I am (as a believe of myself) and within doing so make them less than me in my mind, and so when I am confronted by others about the things I do or do not do, I react very badly as I feel weaklings have the balls to tell me where I am not doing good enough, or enough or my best while I hole the illusion within my mind that they still struggle with primitive points or barely find it in themselves to push themselves, when I do it all the time according to my own self-belief, and now still being confronted??
Thus I see and realize that I react in this manner because I believe that no matter how much I do I will never be enough, or be appreciated, when others confront me, and so I go into even deeper and darker back chat of spite, where I ask myself, why am I even doing this, I do not have to do what I am doing, I can just fuck off and I will be fine, but will they? as a way of kind of now going into a mindset of wanting to punish and show others that I am fine, it is themselves they must look at.
Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things, anything from the starting point of wanting something back, in return, where I feel I do this and I get that back, and so all I do is always like planting landmines all over, as they are with condition and not unconditional, and if the wrong buttons are pushed within me I will explode and the nature of myself and the things I do, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only do things for the reason of self interest in the mannerism of gaining some form of control over others by making myself important in what I do and thus relevant from a starting point of fear and keeping others hostage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to even writing the statements above, as I see just writing that statement has brought up an enraging anger within me towards myself from moments in the past, where I felt like destroying others for their perceived weaknesses, while they are in the process according to my assumption of exposing my weakness, and thus wanting to attempt to emotionally manipulate and break down others before they can even try to break me down, because I am so fragile as the ego. (note, lower back pain emerged here from anger within me, and slight irritation).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the mind fuck and separation to exist within me of thinking and holding onto the perception of others being weaker than me and so inferior, and so within this kind of always see everyone else as useless and not worthy of being around with, of not deserving of my time and space, as I am already far more advanced and they will and are only holding me back. Not seeing and realizing that this is in fact a weakness of me and has nothing to do with others as I use this outlook onto others to justify my position and location and why I am where and how I am, and thus not seeing and realizing that I am creating a disaster for myself where everyone else will see no use for me as I am standing and living outside of the group up in a cloud not contributing, but waiting to contribute somewhere in the future with someone else that I see and feel are equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it to be hard to change this point within me, where I see myself naturally as better, not weak, more than others, as I have lived with this for so long, for so many many years, I do not know how else to see myself, see the world, be humble, caring, gentle and compassionate and to own my shit real time and to not make it personal but rather an event that support and assist me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this world as CRUEL and EVIL and so within that judgement became cruel and evil as the ego in the idea and perception that this is how I will survive and make it, to become the thing I feared.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the things I always feared and disliked and did not enjoy within this world, the cruelty, the coldness, the disconnect, competition, comparison and all the deception, instead of seeing it, realizing is is here but I can and must stand as an example.
I forgive myself that I have NOT seen and realized how deep the ego as the rabbit hole still goes and how far I must go within me to truly see who I have accepted and allowed myself to become, as nasty thoughts, evil intentions and back chat that flashes like a horror movie in my mind and speaks in tongues to me in the most unusual moments and events, memories and projections coming as if I am in an action thriller movie while speaking normally to someone, or see their actions and behaviors that has become my triggers for evil.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what is here as me and to within that reaction place a judgement as good or bad, and in this particular moment as bad, and so judge myself as bad, not seeing and realizing that this is all programs and energy being exposed and not who I am as life, and by forgiving myself and to see what I have accepted and allowed so I can and will change.
To be continued.