Fear of missing out – How Bernard Supported me with this point. Part 1

As a child, every time I heard my mother’s hair dryer blowing from her room, I would get anxious. The thought would come to mind of, where is my mother going??

I have throughout time learned that when my mother is doing her hair, that she is going out. I never KNEW when she was going out, she never informed me of her going out. I would just hear the hair dryer blowing, and I would immediately know she is going out and I MUST go with. I would drop whatever I was doing and quickly change my cloths and get ready. By the time she would pass my room I would tell my mother I am coming with.

My mother would respond and say, I am just going to go get some shopping. I did not care, I just wanted to go with, I feared missing out on something, I wasn’t ever sure what, so I went with to see what it might be. It always ended up with me just hanging around my mother walking around.

In those moments, I would drop whatever I was busy with, even if it was something I was already enjoying, like playing a game, or building with my blocks, or simply enjoying being where I am. In return, going with my mother, I missed out on what I was doing, dropping it half way and not focussing on myself, who I am and what I was doing, I was chasing something out there. 

How I developed this I am not sure, but it bled out into all aspects of my life, with friends, with Girlfriends, with so many things, I would always drop ME and rather rush to the event, the thing, the place to see what else is there, fear of missing out. It would always end up the same, me being here with me simply in a different situation or event or place. Sometimes it lead to weird things, or not so cool things. 

I got addicted to wanting to always KNOW, to always wanting to be informed, to be up to date to be in the LOOP of what’s happening, even if it had nothing to do with me, or had any relevance to me, I just wanted to be there. 

For example: I would be cleaning my room, something I resisted, yet here I am cleaning my room, focusing on me and improving me a bit more, then I hear that hair dryer blowing from my mother room, I drop the cleaning, change my cloths and forget about me and my improvement in a single moment and rush to this other place. Looking for me, something. 

Same with wanting to quit alcohol when I was drinking heavily and having to many hangovers, I would give myself a goal of not drinking, but as soon as a party starts and I am informed of that party, I drop that goal and there I GO, and at the party, I drink, because I fear missing out, I fear missing something. Back at square one. 

When I came to the farm, the first week after being here, Bernard told me that I will probably not leave the farm for about three months, and he asked me if I can handle that. I looked at him and said YES SURE, that should not be a problem. I had no idea why I would not be able to leave the farm for three months. In that time I did want to go to town a few times, and Bernard would say I can go, IF I can give him a reason that is valid for why I want to go to town which would mean me not doing my responsibilities and postponing them, and each and every time I had a reason Bernard would check y common sense and self-honesty within my reasons. 

For example, I would see someone is climbing into a car to go to town, and I would go to that someone and ask, hey can I come with, that other person would say sure, yes, you can come with, and I would respond with saying, OK, let me get my stuff. So I would run to my room to quickly get my stuff, Bernard would see me running and ask WHERE ARE YOU GOING? And I would slow down and look at him and say, I want to go to town, and Bernard would ask why? As I give my reason such as I need cigarettes, then Bernard would say, just give them the money to get it, you need to finish raking the grass in the fields today before the rain comes.

This kind of situation occurred each time I wanted to go to town, I first of all tried to go to town without Bernard noticing me, as I KNEW he would challenge me and check up on me, so I wanted to do is in a sneaky way, YET, he caught me each time. 

This continued for about 3 months, where I did not leave the farm. I went through a sort of a withdrawal of some sort, where I got a bit depressed and angry, as I could not go to town for no reason, YET each time I was redirected BACK to what I NEED to do, and that whatever I wanted in town, someone else could just get it for me, so while they do that I do what I could do best and get things done. 

So, by now you must know, Bernard pushed this point perfectly, if you look at how I used to live out this point and how he then supported me in facing this missing out point, I was forced to focus on ME and what I am doing, unlike how I used to just DROP what I am doing to run after other things in the fear of missing out. 

After those three months and a bit more, I started going to town a lot more, specifically to get my driver’s license that I failed the first time before I came to the farm. I got it in December 2008 with the farm support. 

Something very interesting changed within me and who I am in going into town. The first time after three month and a bit I noticed and experienced going into town a LOT different, everything felt so BUSY and stressed and tense and heightened in energy, my stomach was turning and I felt like throwing up. I remember when I went with Bernard he told me to BREATH as I have not dropped the energy to going to town, so now I can actually experience what is really going on, the systems and everything in play all the time, as I used to go to town to PLUG in, I now went to town not plugging in as much, but was more aware of the plugging in from within me, what I went to town for previously to support system and programs within me, to keep me upgraded and to keep my personality in tack by feeding myself in town, the city with mind consciousness systems. 

This is quite interesting. Because I used to go to town to literally FEED my ego, my personality, to make sure I am still in check, that I still fit in, that I am not out of date, that I have all the programs upgraded and working, all my apps are running fine to survive in the system. And after three months of not rushing to town, going to town within that energy, I felt WAY out of date, not updated, and wanting to update felt sickening, what I was doing to myself, selling myself out. 

Me not updating myself and my programs and doing the upgrades that are consistent within the system, just like the apps on our phones and all their updates occurring the whole time, I lost complete touch for a long time with the system, I would not shower of bath after doing some sweaty work, for a few days even, I would simply take a dip in the pool, put the same cloths on I worked with and wear gumboots that smell like horse shit and go to town, standing in lines where people would literally move away from me and look at my gumboots weird. I did not do this deliberately, I simply did it because I kind of didn’t know better anymore, I didn’t have the upgrades, so I went to town as I was. 

I did this for years, never upgrading, never plugging back in, never access those systems. I instead went as me, as me requiring only me to be who I am and living, expressing. It was only possible because of where I was/am, the Desteni farm, and the opportunity was here for me to live this to be this, to stand as this and to see what is here, how it works and going deeper, to in the long run stand as a support for others that might not have the same opportunity yet facing the same points, such as now, now is the time. 

I will continue in Part two, sharing more and deeper points as this fear of missing out went from one polarity to another and finding a balance, also how this point was pushed even further by Bernard for me to face in specific moments.

Day 537 – WTF is Usury?

Usury is today the practice of making unethical or immoral monetary loans that unfairly enrich the lender. Originally, usury meant interest of any kind. A loan may be considered usurious because of excessive or abusive interest rates or other factors. Basically a loan shark in slang, but understanding the word and the meaning of Usury is more relevant then “load Shark” – as Usury as the original word have a lot more to it and isn’t limited or defined by loans ONLY. As it states – interest of any kind, and this is the point I want to focus on.

what is more staggering; Usury is regulated currently by governments where limits are set, yet the corporations and companies find loop holes and deceive people and the government to take much more, yet making it seem like it is meeting the regulations, not that I agree with the regulated standards either as everything in this world is motivated by greed and self-interest. Why do we accept and allowed as a society for certain companies or organizations to charge massive interests, without any question. Like getting a mortgage to buy a home the interest is so high that some people end up losing their homes and sitting on the streets, this is but on example of Usury, Usury used to be condemned as sinful. And if we look at how Usury is playing out in society currently, it is sinful in terms of what it is doing to people’s lives and thus society, just for those that does the lending to make a shit load of profit.

We have to take the point back to ourselves and see where in our lives we are playing out any form of Usury “Interest of any kind” – to give more of a clear understanding of what I am talking about, let me give you an example.

Let us look at something personal that may occur in a person’s life at some point, like sharing or giving something to someone, we do so with the intent that now the other person own us something in return, let’s say you buy your friend a coffee because he didn’t have money on him at that moment, a couple of years down the line you suddenly need something, like 100 bucks, you will go to your friend and you will ask him for 100 bucks, he will say wow that’s a lot of money, and then you will suddenly say, HEY remember that time I bought you a coffee when you didn’t have money? And your friend will feel like he now just have to give you 100 bucks.

So now, is 100 bucks after a couple of years equal to a coffee you bought him way back? No it isn’t, but why did the friend give in and say OK, here, take the 100 bucks, because when you bought your friend coffee many years ago, it was in a moment of need, the friend might have been really tired and needed coffee to perform better at work, or just to make it through the day, it was all a emotionally charged moment, it was vulnerable, your friend was vulnerable and you had the strength at that time, so the money spend and what the money was spend on wasn’t a lot, but what was a lot was the emotional meaning, the intent and the gesture behind it all, which was more valuable is what counted, so after time this is what grew within YOU who stood as the strong point, that you had to sacrifice something in that moment for someone else, and thus within you the value became also more than the coffee and the money spend on it, thus over the years the USURY (interest of any kind) grew to such an extent within the lender (you) and the borrower, that the borrowed could now be forced to pay back ANYTHING that is requested of the Lender, because now there is a sense of “gratitude” that is at stake, and this emotional sense of gratitude fears that if it cannot repay or pay back the lender that the borrower is sinful or evil, and the Lender (you) know this, and usually if your friend would refuse to pay you back in any way possible for something you did for them in the past, what do you do? You become nasty and spiteful and will even condemn the friendship to hell and the person. LOOK what I did for you and now YOU aren’t willing to pay me back?? You will pay for this some way or another.

So you see through that example, which I hope brought the reader closer to understanding how Usury takes place in our daily lives within many other points besides the lending, for example, holding a grudge against someone for bumping you in the street, over the years this grudge becomes so much more within self, that if the opportunity arrives to bump the person back, we would instead bump the person and then beat the shit out of them, believing it to be fair.

so it is important that we see who we are INTERNALLY and within our personal lives, manifest into systems and other forms of programs that run this world at a larger/bigger scale, and for us to develop the ability to respond to these monstrous activities destroying and harming like and ending it, and changing it to be what supports LIFE, we must first take SELF – responsibility for what exist as the same systems and programs within us, to truly have the responsibility as the Authority as the co-creators that is here to stop it and change it.