Day 349 - Mirage of self Part 1

Dictionary Definition for mirage is.
Something that appears to be real or possible but is not.

Is who I present myself to be really who I am, or is it just how I appear to be, do I appear the way I make myself appear to others to give the Impression that I am possible of doing specific certain things, as a way to impose onto others.

I have been observing myself for years, I am participated as myself for years while being aware of all the inner realities and whats happening while participating in the real reality as the physical.

What I have notices is that when and as I face reality as the physical in each and every moment that I am in a constant friction, this friction is always me attempting to keep up a mirage.

This mirage is to hide what is going on inside, it is to protect the inner experience and ultimately my self interest which is my inner reality as my thoughts/feelings/emotions.

The friction is interesting, because I experience myself one way within me while I am attempting to keep the mirage of the opposite of that which is within me, for instance, if I experience myself as unstable.emotional within me, I will give the mirage of me being stable and strong as being able to handle certain specific fears within me.

For instance, when and as I am in fear of conflict within me, I will pull a though face, and I will start speaking more and louder and making manly sound when I speak, to make me sound like conflict as to say to everyone in my environment that I am conflict, I can handle conflict and then I also start walking tougher, and I will stand straighter and chin up and all kinds of physical things to create the mirage.

The mirage is proven to be NOT real and Not possible once an actual event/scenario takes place where there is for instance conflict, and suddenly I lose it all and I become the experience within me, the fear and the emotions and the unstable.

This is only one mirage, because the entirety of me is a mirage, I fear myself and who I am within me as my feelings/emotions and thoughts so I really do not want them to come out, I really don't like to be moved and controlled by my feelings/emotions and thoughts, and the only way I have ever learned to keep it hidden throughout my life was to create a mirage to hide it all, and through the mirage I avoid having to face my inner reality, because I believe that as long as I keep the mirage and avoid facing the inner me, then I am save.

This keeps going in circles and the mirage simply upgrade or install new information to change and to mutilate and to change according to the environments input.

For example, I face conflict and I fail to live up to the mirage that gives the illusion that I am capable of facing conflict and after the event the mirage will simply change to something else to make myself seem still capable of facing conflict and that i am OKAY, I am fine, the conflict did not effect me. This isn't helping as I never face who I am within it, but instead hide behind a mirage.

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