Day 56 – Life is all about sex part 4 – I met Barbie at six
Day 56 – Life is all about sex part 4 – I met Barbie at six
This is a continuation of Day 55 – life is all about sex part 3
Ok so I will today look at a memory of when I was young as memories is what we have experiences from, this is where we make connections within the mind as energy as feeling/emotions/thoughts, so looking at memories will help me allocate the memory and to see the connections I made/experienced and thus it plays out in my life as what I do etc in search of memories/experiences , this memory is from when I was six years old, I was still in kinder garden and we had play times inside and outside and sleeping times and eating times and we had some working times.
I mostly remember the play times, especially when the toy box was brought to the floor and all the toys was chucked out onto the floor.
I remember one day I did not get a toy that I liked, like the dinosaur or the action figures or the building blocks, other kids got it before me, but then there it was, a doll, the only toy left, it was a Barbie doll, she was made from a rubbery substance and she had nice blond hair, she also had blue eyes, BUT she did not have any cloths on.
This is why the girls did not take her, she was naked and did not have any cloths to put on, they took all the ones with the accessories.
I remember how I took this Barbie doll and I sat on the floor with the doll and played with it by myself.
The interaction I had with this Barbie doll was quite interesting, I enjoyed it, not playing pretending with it, but just having it.
I knew it was a female, the opposite of what I am as a male, I saw all the girls loving to play with it and dress it, and here I was with a naked Barbie doll, with boobs and ass and hair and legs all open for me to see, I remember it said made in china on her ass.
So since that day I just started taking this doll every time from the toys and kept her with me, I connected a emotional relationship with her, she was pretty she was perfect looking, she did not have things like the other girls in my class, she had extra such as boobs and being naked, the emotional point was that I had to leave her every day at the school, and that I could only see her in play time for an hour every day.
I guess I enjoyed having what the girls had to play with as a point of power, a point of look at me, I have this doll, I remember I had to keep her secret from the rest, or they might take her, they will want her, and they might even tease me for playing with a doll for an hour every day.
I can see how I have created within my mind how I like girls through this doll as a picture and something I can have for myself and I created emotions, thoughts, desires to be with the doll.
Imagine how this play out later in my life!! As this was my programming stage.
The doll one day disappeared, I have no idea till today what happened to the Barbie doll. She was gone, I was sad, I felt betrayed and wanted to ask around who took her away, but she was a secret so asking would have given the secret up.
Ok so this is the memory I see where I had created emotional connections to a picture as Barbie and how I have attached it to what I want/desire in females, I got attracted to the boobs the ass, the nakedness through the touching of this female doll – and it all happened in my secret mind, no one else could know it was happening or what was happening, it was all mine – this is how you know it is a problem, as soon as it happens in the secret mind as thoughts, back chat, imagination etc – it will have consequences and hidden parts of self. if you forget and leave it within you.
I was six, I forgot about it and continued my life, only when I started participating in relationships did this secret back chat etc start coming up again, making decisions for me and how I make them and why I make them, not knowing where they come from etc, it must be who I am, my nature, but I clearly created it myself at the age of six.
So I apply self forgiveness on the points as they are still here as who I am on the connections I made with the Barbie doll.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire picture women over a real woman due to the picture being better presented as the real thing in the flesh.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a decision within myself that I would rather prefer to be in a relationship with a picture women presentation then a real woman just because of the physical appearance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made a decision within myself at the age of six to rather have relationships in my mind with pictures as it can always be perfect over the physical as life as that which I am and to within that give away all my power in relationships to the mind as pictures and so my relationships ended falling apart as they could never match the picture relationships I had in my mind as being perfect.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a decision within me based on self interest as preferring perfect mind created relationships within my mind over actual real relationships within and as the physical where it is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire mind picture created relationships over actual real physical relationships just so that I do not have to face myself within the physical as who I am, as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as a mind in secret and limitation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge real life women as being inferior to the women I have in my mind, realizing that within this judgment I will never have a relationship that is good enough for me as I know all relationships within my mind that I created with the perfect girls is based on a fantasy that isn’t meant to be real and so I have already created failed relationships out of all possible relationships in my world and only creating my own torment and depressions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the connection with the Barbie doll that perfect females are blond, skinny, blue eyes with nice boobs and perfect legs and perfect ass and that they were made specially somewhere the way they are and therefore they are a limited edition and I have to spend my whole life finding a girl like this to be able to be satisfied, realizing that with making a simple connection like this with a doll already sabotaged and compromised all my relationships and possible relationships in my world as failures.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a fantasy girl with the perfect body and posture and picture presentation as my girlfriend and that she can only be mind, realizing that such a desire is impossible to fulfill within the actual real physical world as how the physical look, function and is, realizing it will never happen and cant and thus I set myself up for failure in all relationships and to live a depressed life, instead of stopping the desire and letting go of the mind as limitation and to learn to know myself in and as the physical and to re-create myself as life and to have effective relationships where I am already satisfied with myself and therefore do not need it from outside of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place all real women within the physical world in actual life as less than and inferior to the pictures I have in my mind of girls and to from this always feel like I am settling for less or not what I wanted, realizing that if I stop the mind and the fantasies that what is here within the physical is something completely different and that I can actual create AGREED relationships that is based on the physical and how the physical work and that will always be fulfilling as the mind is a endless energy monster and can never be fulfilled, even if you got your fantasy girl the mind will want something more, it’s a mind fuck.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to praise the mind and the mind relationships as being more than the physical relationships, realizing that it has proven to my many times that mind relationships only end up mind fucking me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search my whole life for the perfect girls that I hold within my mind as a picture presentation, realizing that I am missing all actual real possible relationships/sex partners in my current world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself with my own mind within my own self created fantasy picture girls that I desire and want to have sex with, as I know it will never happen yet I hope, I wish and I search and chase till death, realizing that I can simply make a decision to be here in and as the physical and create a agreed relationship for myself that would always be fulfilling as it is based on the minds limitations of desires/pictures/fantasies and that only compromise and sabotage self.
To be continued.
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