Day 506 – What I learned from Bernard Poolman – Lesson 5

SLEEP – In the beginning of my Desteni Farm Life/process, I and just a handful of others used to do all the labor on the farm, in terms of developing the farm and maintaining the farm for what was yet to come in the future for Desteni and the world.

From my “normal” life – I used to wake up at seven/eight in the mornings and go sleep whenever I wanted to (after school days), I enjoyed MY sleep, I would for instance go to sleep straight after I came from the gym and wake up later for dinner and then do a few things and go back to sleep. Sleep was my way of just rushing my life, fast forwarding it. So I developed a very bad habit with sleep and conditioned my body – those were the reasons believed to be the reasons.

But don’t worry – this got sorted out quit quickly once I got to the Farm, BUT I NEVER expected how this change would come about.

Everyday single day in the beginning of my life here at Desteni, I would wake up REAL early, not by choice, Bernard would be walking around at 6/6:30am in the morning yelling out “ARE YOU AWAKE GIAN”, while I am sleeping I would just hear this yelling from outside, it would tremble through my core and I would have this slight anxiety running through my solar plexus, asking myself, am I awake? I would ask myself this question because Bernard didn’t just ask if I am awake in terms of my eyes being open and me being up, the sound within which he screamed it out was asking me as the being am I awake..

I would slowly start moving my body while still lying in bed and I would say, YES I am awake!! And then Bernard would ask me, are you sure? And I would say yes, BUT me saying yes only to me being physically awake, as the reaction that I had, that small amount of anxiety was still my self-honest part knowing that I am not awake as in HERE as LIFE alive and living in each and every breath, because waking up was such a struggle, which is an indicator of me still using sleep as a way to hide, not standing and taking full self-responsibility.

So I would then wake up and get dressed and move my ass outside, the morning is still fresh, I found the early morning to be very supportive in waking up with everything, like it is alive and just nice. I would get coffee and breakfast and then I would sit around for a bit till work time (no horse time yet for me at this stage)

After that I would start doing some Labor time, which I LOVE doing, we were building on many things, from housing to fencing to gardening and all kinds of things. Each day there was so many activities to participate within.

BUT – I would be working on something for a couple of hours and suddenly at some point I would just feel tired and like going to sleep, nesting somewhere and just SLEEP, and this is what I did, almost every afternoon around 12/1pm I would be on my bed sleeping/napping – or let me rephrase that, try sleeping/napping, because Bernard was in the area, and he was always aware of what is going on around the farm.

So Bernard would come and disturb my sleep deliberately, I would experience annoyance and some back chat within those moments, as I wanted to sleep, but now could not get what I wanted., there were some moments that I could get away with sleep, haha.

So this continued for a while, a couple of months, and in between all of this I would sometimes feel so desperate for sleep that I would go around the farm and find the weirdest places to lay my ass down and sleep, like a hay shed, or in a storage shed in between the shelves, or I would just find a location where people do not regularly go, this ended up in search parties looking for me, so I soon realized it wasn’t the best thing to do. Unless I tell someone “ hey I am going to go sleep in a hay shed so that Bernard can’t find me and disturb my sleep” haha – which would have led to the question, why do you want to sleep? And hide it from Bernard? And as I know within self-honesty, the answer isn’t because I am tired, why would I be THAT tired every single day, there is obviously a different reason for this tiredness and wanting to sleep, because Physically one get fit and used to the activities, so the tiredness was something more.

See Bernard didn’t just push my sleeping pattern, without him having to ask me why am I sleeping so much or wanting to sleep so much, he just had tp push my sleeping point through disturbing it when I didn’t expect it and to wake me up early and eventually I would face the points that I was running from by being awake, and the main point was always me running away from myself and who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

Because I learned and saw, that through sleeping I am not busy in my MIND, there is no thoughts and no back chat’s or any feelings/emotions, so I don’t have to deal with them while sleeping, and thus the more I sleep the less I have to deal with them/myself – and when I wake up from sleep, I feel fresh and alive, but only for a while, till ALL my Mind bullshit has accumulated again to a certain point because I wasn’t breathing and forgiving myself and thus feeling burdened again – and then I would want to sleep again, but as long as Bernard disturbed my sleep, I was forced in a gentle way to deal with myself.

Thus the more effectively I walked my process, the less I want to sleep, because I am present, I am here, I am alive, sleep is then only required for the body to stabilize and heal itself, self-correct itself through a period of maximum 6 hours.

But I could ONLY walk through my sleeping point through writing and applying self-forgiveness and removing the thoughts and back chats. This period lasted for about 6 months, and Bernard was most consistent and supportive.

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