Day 17 - Let my EGO punch something NOW.
During my day I have these moments where I feel I have achieved something, like finishing a project or getting a good score in the reading program I am doing, or I will say something and it was great and it made a lot of sense, mostly when these thing occur I see that I feel I have achieved something I did not expect even from myself.
In those moments I feel happy and more alive, with in this energetic experience I also experience my body getting all pumped up and ready to move do something, usually I would end up wanting to punch something from the feeling of happy, feeling good, feeling like I have some power now and I can use it.
I usually end up punching the ply traps hanging from the roof and then they swing a bit.
I also notice sometimes I loos myself and even consider giving someone (a person) a 'fun" punch.
So I also looked at my past and where there were occasions when I wanted to fight another person, and I found that when I wanted to do such things I usually was in a good mood, feeling like I have power, because of previous events that took place that day that made me feel like I achieved something, that made me feel more.
Instead of breathing and being here in the physical I turn it into ego and energy, this leads to violence and putting people and objects in danger, just because I feel good, I am happy, I feel more powerful.
I realized it is a possession of ego/energy and thus it is not what is best for all life, it has to stop, how did I get to the point in the first place for feeling bad about myself in such a way that when I suddenly feel good about myself I am highly charged up and ready for violence, obviously through self judgment.
Time to break the pattern and stop the self abuse and possible abuse of others, stop the ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a bad person that never does anything right, thus when I do something right in the eyes of others I feel good and better about myself and suddenly powerful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect doing something effective to being a good person, instead of realizing that it isn't what I do that determine who I am but who I am that determines what I do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a bad person, I realize that if I judge myself as a bad person as the total opposite of a good person then I will feel over loaded with energy if I believe I have done something good and be possessed by the energy as the ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuel myself with a good energy just so that I do not have to feel bad about myself through my own self judgments during the day in such a way that I become over whelmed by the energy and need to get it out through punching or doing something physical that could lead to potentially harming another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with in violence when I feel good and powerful, realizing that this is only feeding the polarity of when I feel bad about myself to exist, instead of breathing and remaining here as that which is best for all life as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that hitting someone softly because I am happy is innocent, realizing that the more I continue to validate it as being okay the worse it can become in time as I create more and more justifications to why it is innocent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the "i want to punch something because I am happy" as being okay because it is a good feeling, realizing that I am connecting violence that put fellow beings/things in danger to being good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect violence to being good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the good feeling grow and so also the wanting to punch something to become bigger and bigger, realizing that one day I might not even realize what i am doing while I am possessed with feeling good and hurt someone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to empower myself with violence when I feel good with in the believe that it is okay because I feel good about it, realizing that the good I am feeling is actually an energetic possession of my mind that I have given permission to take over my body and to direct me as a physical demon charged positively.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with in violence when I feel good, realizing this is the same reason for why people join the army and why people are patriots and are willing to kill and hurt others, as they believe they are doing it because they are doing something good, not realizing that they are actually hurting other beings while they are feeling good about it.
I commit myself to stop and breath when ever I go into feeling good about myself where I want to punch something and to break the connection I have made in my mind between feeling good and punching something.
I commit myself to stop this pattern through using the tools I have such as writing, self forgiveness and self honesty to stop what I allow and accept with in me and so with in this world as war, violence and abuse.
I commit myself to not participate with in this pattern and to continue the ignorance with in supporting the ego as the mind that takes over in an energetic possessive state where I loose control of my actions for a brief moment due to not being aware of what I am doing as I am following a energy with in me.
I commit myself to when I have completed a task or have done something I haven't done before to breathe and to not create the connection with in my mind as what is good and what is bad, but to simple make it part of what has been done and needed to be done as me, and to with in this stop all self judgments as I replace it with Breathing.
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