Day 11 - How will I ever change this point.

It has been four years since I became aware of my ability to read and write and how bad I am at it, I have been working on the point so many times, over and over as I start reading and applying myself daily with in reading and writing there is always something else that takes away my time to work on improving my abilities with in reading and writing such as house hold activities, work, and other things that comes up and just takes time away.

This has been a big point for me in my life, as I can see and feel how I am being held back because of this point, every time I want to write I loose myself with in how to start, how to structure, what words to use,  and how to place them.

The biggest issue I have with in my writing is having to place everything in a certain sequences, I will have this great point coming up and as soon as I start writing it is as if I start writing the blog from the middle to the end then top the start, and this does not work or help with in me improving myself and being effective with in my expression with in writing.

After I read a passage in a book and I will tell it to someone I do the same, I start at a random point that I could remember and then just randomly tell the things as I remember it, instead of from point A to B.

I end up sometimes writing a whole blog, and once I am done and I look at it and read it back to myself, I will highlight it all and delete it with in the judgment that it is shit, that if anybody would have to read it they would get lost and not understand what I am saying, because I did not lol.

So this is a major point in my life and it is compromising everything for me in my world, only now that I am older and that I am actually doing something in this world to bring about change I realize that reading and writing has everything to do with it all, In school I never cared as the importance of reading was never made clear to me and no one ever gave me a point of understanding and why.

I have had enough.

Self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame school for not teaching me why reading and writing is important, realizing that blaming school is me abdicating my responsibility for what I have to do now in the present to change and correct what has been done in the past, thus I realize I must stop blaming school and the past and take self responsibility for my actions as the past and what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself that I did not read and write more in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not reading and writing a lot more in the past, realizing that I myself did not have any real education as a child that actually taught me the real importance of reading and writing, and thus I realize that there wasn't anything I could have done differently with in my understanding back then of how the world works and the human that would have made me want to read and write effectively for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not having the ability of reading and writing effectively as other do, I realize that judging myself will not help me at all, but only self movement with in the corrective application will help me to change the point and to become effective and a expression of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am being judged by others, realizing that it is only me judging me and that I am projecting it onto others to take the point of having to take self responsibility for myself away from myself and not having to face myself as my past manifested consequences that requires my correction with in actual physical application with in space and time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being stupid for not being able to read and write effectively, realizing that as long as I judge myself as being stupid then that is the signals I am sending my brain and my body and thus I realize that as long as I have the self definition of myself as being stupid with in myself then no matter how much I read or write the signals I am sending my body as me being stupid will over write the input. I realize that i must stop the thoughts about me being a stupid dumb person and to change my approach with in reading and writing to the starting point of me creating and building new skills for myself and not from the starting point of me making myself smart because I am dumb, because I realize that it is just the same as telling myself I am dumb the whole time doing it with in the starting point of making myself smart. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone dedicating a few minutes a day to myself with in building and giving to myself the skill of reading and writing more effectively because Of the judgment that "I have been busy with this point for four years and I do not see any real change".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to with in judging myself as being bad and dumb with in reading and writing, to over look the fact that I am writing right now which I wasn't able to do at all four years ago and have never before even considered it in my life, and here I am doing it.  Thus I realize that I have improved and that the mind is only improvising on one point to make me look and feel bad about myself so that I must not push myself with in permanent change and remain a slave to the mind as energy in polarities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be patient and consistent with myself with in developing effective reading and writing till it is done, realizing that when I get impatient my mind will remove all facts that is here as evidence with in the physical of actual change and only show me my self judgment till I submit and give up, thus I realize I must breath and be self honest with myself and stop,

I commit myself to read every day, even if it is just one page a day.

I commit myself to apply myself with in reading everyday and doing the Desteni reading program that has assisted and supported me a lot in the past already.

I commit myself to read and write everyday with in expanding my vocabulary and my ability to focus on what I read and to keep a sequence.

I commit myself to read and write everyday, as I realize that reading and writing is how information runs in this world, and that the world is constantly being moved through information, and that if I can read and write effectively I will become more effective with in this world with in supporting myself and all life as myself one and equal, doing what is best for all life all ways.

I commit myself to dedicate myself to improve myself with in my reading and writing to become more effective with in this world so that I can and may do what is best for all life in a effective efficient way that is best for all life in all ways.