Day 12 - Self trust, with people or alone, who I am.
I noticed today a really odd pattern that I did not fully understand but yet I could see it and that it was here, in my face.
We were all working together outside for a while and while we all were working together I made the observation that me and everyone else was working hard and steadily.
After breakfast time and the second shift I had to leave and go work somewhere else far away from the rest.
As I went away with the tools and got to the location I started working, it wasn't ten minutes later and I stopped and sat down for a few minutes, then I started working again and I stopped again to look around and to play around a bit.
As this happened I stopped and realize what was happening, I was alone and by myself and no body else was there to check up on me and so I worked half as good as before, I then asked myself why?
I looked at myself self honesty and I saw that when I work around other beings I give the impression that I can be trusted to do work and what needs to be done till it is done, as soon as I go away I do not have to give the impression any more and can do what i want - I saw that this is a point of trust, I was send away to work on my own because the people trusted me to do my work because of the way I work around them as the impression I gave them.
Yet when I was alone I did the opposite, this was clearly showing me where I was deceiving myself and others.
Because I realized, no matter how much I try and make other to trust me, I can not trust myself to be alone with myself, look what happened, nothing got done, I CHANGED. This I saw was a pattern and that I was doing it on many points.
Its like with people I say with in my actions _ Look at me I can do it, yes I will do it, okay I am on it, you can trust me, I always do everything and I am good at it, once I am alone. It goes away and I am different and I am suddenly not working as much, as hard but slowly, taking more breaks, not taking action, because I have trained myself over time to not trust myself when I am alone through never following through and proving to myself that I can do it, I can trust myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief it is up to other people to trust me for me to be able to trust myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give other people a false image of myself that makes them believe they can trust me just so I can feel I can be trusted, realizing that trusting self isn't a feeling , self trust is that which you proof to yourself in space and time through living your words as yourself no matter if self is alone or with someone, but to trust self to remain the same and not to change with in what is best for all life in all ways.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek self trust with in other people through my actions of wanting to get approval for what I do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I do will determine if I can trust myself or not, realizing that it is who I am that determine what I do and thus self trust is already implied with in the doing/applying point as self trust has to come from self as self first and then lived in and as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being approved of something implies that I can now trust myself because it has been approved.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place more value in what others think of me in such a way that I even seek self trust from them, even if it means selling myself to them as someone that can be trusted as a pretense of trust.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself and others with in giving forth a false sense of trust just to be accepted as being trust worthy so that I can feel I may trust myself with in what I am doing (in relation to anything).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that self trust is something that comes to me naturally, realizing that self trust is something I give to myself through applying myself as who I am with in self honesty and doing what is best for all life in all ways as life as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself, though the fear of trusting myself I realize that I have seeked approval for what I do to be able to get rid of the fear and have way to trust myself, thus postponing and sabotaging myself with in all I do until I receive approval.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move and direct myself effectively with in self trust, as I have always waited for the go ahead signs from others till I can trust myself, as this is obviously not self trust but trusting others and with in the belief that they know best and that I can only take their word and not my own, thus If I do not trust myself with in self honesty I leave space open with in me to be misled by others as I take what they say and do can be trusted with out investigation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if someone else trust me I can trust myself, thus seeking trust with in others to be able to trust myself., I realize this is not how it works as I have to with in my applications proof to myself that I can trust myself no matter what, with out changing through applying myself with in each breathe with in self honesty as that which is best fro all life as life as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dependent on others to be able to trust myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent on others to trust myself through first seeking their approval, instead of realizing that when I do what is best for all life in all ways with in self honesty does not need approval but only self to trust self with in applying common sense and what works best for all practically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I have to trust myself that I will not know what I may do next with in self trust and who I will be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I will be if I trust myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make self trust a IF, instead of making it as who I am, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make self trust more than myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people are born with self trust and thus I must be the odd one out that simply do not have it, realizing that self trust isn't what you are born with but what you develop through giving to yourself with in common sense and self honesty and education yourself effectively with in understanding of how the word and physical reality functions with in all its facets as life as all that is here taken into consideration and applying self accordingly with in the understanding as that which is best for all life in all ways.
I commit myself to to when ever I see I am pretending to be a trust worthy being to stop and to look at myself and investigate3 in the moment why I am doing it, instead of simply actually trusting myself for myself to bring about real change and self trust.
I commit myself to push through the points of resistances that I face with in my day where I have to trust myself with in applying common sense and self honesty as that which is best for all life and to challenge myself to change.
I commit myself to when ever I see I am doing something that is not trust worthy as life that I am doing to stop and to realize that I am in that moment programming myself to not trust myself with in my actions and to stop and to take self responsibility for my actions and to change, so that I may stop the patterns and change and to have some self respect and honor with in what I do and to built self trust as who I am as Life as that which is best for all life.
writing is important. - The importance of writing.
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