Forcefulness and Fear

As I am staying and moving in with Kelly and Adrian on their land here in Panama, which is surrounded by rivers and forests all around. I have been going into the wild for a few hours a day, something I have never been able to do. Even living on the Desteni Farm in South-Africa, there wasn’t really WILD nature around.

With this, I have been able to go to the woods/rivers and just BE HERE, breathing. Yet, I know as this is a new environment I have to be aware of the wildlife I am unfamiliar with, as most frogs and snakes here are poisonous and who knows what else. I am still learning.

This combination of me placing the direction and commitment for myself on what I am living in the wild with the wild being here I am accessing a very interesting part of myself, a part that has become automatic in the sense of survival/fear responses.

I know in South-Africa with the high crime/rape/murder there I had this point as an obvious point within me, but now that it is not with me any more, I feel I am reaching deeper roots of this point within me, I was looking at it while being by the river and I kind of named it for myself as the ancient fear - where humans generally could not just live with nature, unlike wild animals, we had to make shelter and weapons and all kinds of things that lead to where we are now, we have always felt inferior to nature and thus FORCED our way onto and through this earth by ravaging nature, destroying it just to feel secure and safe from the wild animals, and thus came full circle to humans now fearing themselves the most and what we do to ourselves, as nature is kind of out of the way right.

My experience in particular was strange, catching the ever so slight thoughts of destruction within me while being in this beautiful, peaceful environment coming up in a seemingly random moment. I was sitting on a rock in the middle of the river, the rock was smooth and big, so I wanted to lay on it, but there was this one piece of grass that somehow against all odds grew on this rock in a crack, and I caught myself with a thought of ripping it out and throwing it away into the water, as only then I would find this rock perfect and clean/safe, forcing my way onto the environment.

I stopped myself, I breathed and I asked for forgiveness for this piece of grass, and instead I saw myself in the grass growing there on this rock. I said to the grass, look at you, you grew here, look at me, I am also here but I only want to diminish you and myself. I then embraced myself as that piece of grass and sat with it on the rock, right next to it.

As I stood up from the rock, not having lived out this forcefulness towards this piece of grass sharing this rock with me as I was the visitor there, I noticed this more and more, I found myself with a stick in my hand and two rocks in my pocket, I saw then how my behaviour of having the stick and two rocks was to HARM, thus force my way onto nature, as the reason I had the stick and two rocks was for my protection right? In case there is a snake or a wild animal lurking in the forest surrounding me. Now, yes it can be practical in case there is a snake I can use the stick to move it, or the rocks to chase an animal off. BUT this post is not focussed on the practical side of this, it is to see what MOVED within me, as the starting point matters as that will determine my action in an unexpected moment.

I then took the two rocks out of my pocket and I put them down, I then took the stick and placed it down. I then had a moment of wondering/looking at the point for myself. Here I am in nature, it is SOO calm and peaceful, it is amazing, the sounds and the feeling of the place as the wind, fresh air, all is good, and I found myself being the ONLY threat there which was scary to see me in that moment, a complete system of fear and paranoia manifested as a justification of self-survival/defence, yet whit just me being who i am in the first, I am the only one there placing everything else in defensive mode, as they all need to now protect themselves from me, THUS my very starting point in who I am in the forest is thus making everything else dangerous.

I got up after putting my weapons down, I stood still for a moment taking in the fresh air and I said to myself, OK Gian, now, stop the mind, and be HERE in breathe moving one step at a time, do not consistently look around, following every small sound, or going into my mind of what is something jumps out of the bushes, and I started moving forward further down the river and the trees, I then started feeling my body relax, I then started feeling in tune so to say with my environment, I then started feeling actually aware of my environment without having to use my eyes and ears the whole time. I had to embrace a TRUST within me and so start resonating that trust into my environment as who I am.

This was a test for me on a personal level, and I would not recommend everyone doing it considering now the practical side of things and your environment, yet the point stands to always check WHO AM I and to look to the small things we stop that is forceful, catching those thoughts that rush through our head and places us into survival and fear/paranoia that leads to us becoming exactly what we fear and miss out on a whole different level of existence for ourselves and others that is possible.

I went much further, as I saw this point in a simple point such as going on a relaxed walk into the forest, I took the signature and I pulled it all the way into my life, my relationships and movement in my reality, my creation points, seeing where am I in this forcefulness, realizing it is not working, it is to be HERE, breathe and move myself as myself as expression from me, not something outside of me.

Day 499 - My the force of resistance be with you

the force of resistance is always against oneself, it is always as if the wind is blowing exactly in the opposite way of where you are walking, no matter which direction you turn too to avoid the force of the wind. 

walking with resistance is like climbing a mountain barefoot, placing your feet on the sharp stone corners, as it cut your feet little by little, till eventually you just stop climbing and decide to not continue anymore.

But, if you had shoes on, if you prepared for the trip, if you took into consideration the practicality of what is required to climb the mountain, then climbing the mountain would still have been hard, it would still have made you tired, but those are the things you can handle, it actually makes it more fun, feeling your body and your breathing, pushing through your limitations and boundaries and reaching for the top, instead of recklessly stumbling into a journey.

The problem is, one do not always know what the journey might require, one can thus not possibly prepare for the journey in any aspect, more specifically an internal journey, a point you are facing, yet there is always another way, instead of continuing climbing the mountain barefoot, one can develop a new skill, the skill of being patient, to not rush, to first climb down the mountain from the first cut on your feet, and to go find your shoes, and then continue the journey, and if one finds again that shoes wasn't the only thing required to climb the mountain, but something else, such as water, one do not continue climbing in the hope that you will reach the top fast enough to not need water, you again breathe and climb down, go fetch water and then continue climbing again, otherwise the resistance is always a choice within a point of ego, wanting to be more than reality, not actually having to change but to only reach the image, idea of change, standing on the top, but no one ever reached the top this way, as the ego always goes when reality gets though.

in this case - comparing the climbing of a mountain journey to the journey of a person walking their own personal process of change, of changing self into the living expression of LIFE, as that what is best for all life, with all the tools provided, such as Breathing, self forgiveness, developing self honesty and common sense. a person will climb many mountains within themselves, and climbing the mountain will be seen as "strong" and "good" but is it done with resistance continuously, instead of each point of resistance being investigated and taken on to a point of self support, this will mean climbing down, but most judge climbing back down as falling, most will deem it "bad, and thus rather keep on walking with the resistance, till their feet are sore and they are drained from water, the substance of LIFE and actually fail, quit, stop their process, instead of climbing the mountain till there is clarity and everything is seen and thus lived of/as each and every part of how the top was reached and understanding the journey.

see this is what the person that stops at the first point of resistance do, he climbs down to prepare to fetch the shoes, to then again go up again,  and then down again and fetch the water once he sees water is needed, and the go back up, every-time a little bit higher, and this person comes to the top stronger, he comes to the top understanding every dimension of the bottom, every level of the mountain and what is required to climb it, he/she has truly learned, he/she has truly developed self trust, confidence, he has truly built humility with himself, patience, he has developed so much of himself, that he can help the next person climbing the mountain either preparing for it or even prevent each level/each point within climbing the mountain, and thus bring forth change to himself and others much quicker, even though his process took much much longer, he can not climb the mountain for anyone, as everyone must still climb the mountain themselves to reach the top the same, but the journeys will be walked slightly different.

I myself have found through my journey, than when there is a point of resistance within me, that is it something from the past, a point I did not consider even though it bothered me, like a cut in my foot from climbing the mountain, but ignored it - and that it is accumulating more and more, I can handle the pain/resistance on a daily point, but the outcome of doing it this way will and can only lead to one thing, stopping, and thus every time I have a point of resistance within me, even if there are hundreds a day, I take on point of resistance and I climb back within myself, I check what it is that I have ignored, or not taken into consideration, what is it that is causing the resistance and to correct the point, because like walking against a strong wind, you can not see in-front of you, you have to consistently block and shad your eyes from the strong wind, the resistance, and you get irritated and feel like just sitting down somewhere, hoping the wind will calm down to make your journey calmed, but the wind, the force is this time within you.