Fear of Missing out, the Final Chapter and how Bernard supported me with this point

Within this blog, I want to clarify that I am sharing the points Bernard supported me in as to give back, to share so that the reader can get the story, the events and flow of things as I did to a degree. 

This isn’t to say Bernard is special or that I am holding onto anything. I am being honest within this sharing that I did NOT get to where I am, who I am and what I have learned and how by my own. Giving credit where it must be given, otherwise I am misleading people and praising myself. The consequences for that is something unnecessary. 

I owe most of everything I have faced and learned and changed within to Bernard, from my relationship with my partner and everything that entails, to who I am and understanding common sense, self-honesty and LIFE. 

Continuing to the Final chapter now. 

Previously “This occurred and continued throughout my life over and over and over. This pattern would play out in anything and everything. From relationships, work, popularity and friends, I mean anything and everything. “read the previous one here - http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.co.za/2018/01/fear-of-missing-out-how-bernard_18.html 

 

On the Farm (Desteni farm), at many points in time there were lots of people here, from 15 to 30 people at a time, people visiting from all over the world. With many visitors that came to visit, many interesting and really cool and deep discussions took place, some of them were shattering and intense, some were very personal for individuals and others were fun and pretty cool. 

But, what would I know. Most of the time I was outside working, building something somewhere or doing some maintenance work. Bernard Made sure I was up every morning at 6am, or when the birds started singing, he would sing outside my room (not really singing) but make noise and call out my name over and over, till I got up, he would specifically say Giantjie, giantjie, ARE YOU AWAKE, and I would miserably wake up with not having enough sleep. As I go outside my room looking like I am waking up with a hangover, Bernard would say BREATH, and then he would say to me, Be HERE, no need to wake up, be awake. I would try that but yhea….. Then he would push me to get things done, he would start with asking, are you finishing these rooms today(we were building rooms for a while) or something else, I would say well not today, but we are getting there. But the point is, Bernard made sure I got to things and needed to be done on the Farm. 

The visitors didn’t have to work as I did, they helped and worked together in specific things, but me, LJ and Fidelis had to do things every day and had responsibilities to keep things functioning and moving on a Farm. 

So, Bernard had any chats with people and he also had quit some intense moments with people, these things would occur in the kitchen when people were there together or in the lounge or on the porch, But I always missed out, sometimes I would walk in halfway through the discussions, and stay for a while just to hear something, or to pick up on something, or to get some cool information I could use. But I was just a little bit too late.

I would hear from Leila or someone else what Bernard just now shared with everyone something on these points, or those points, or Bernard did some Tarot card readings for people, or he just explained the universe to people or someone lol. I would always feel like I missed something out, all the discussions, all the chats, as I was just outside doing work, building or maintenance stuff most of my time. 

Here, I faced a different dimension of Fear of missing out. In my first post on fear of missing out I basically say it all, but I am sharing something deeper here, how I physically had to change my behaviors, my actions to actually stop the fear of missing out, to see who I am without participating within those actions, those behaviors. 

In 2013, this point was pushed for me, within me one more time from Bernard just before the time he died. On a day, like any other, Bernard was planning to have a get together with everyone on the farm that night to have a nice chat/talk about some very important points, they involved peoples individual peoples process points and direction and also opening up more dimensions within existence and what’s at play. 

I was all day curious and looking forward to this get together, as I was expecting something big, I was hoping to hear about something about me, my process and my direction, where Bernard gives on guidance, or a brutal self-honesty check. As the evening approached us all more, Bernard made his way through the farm on a slow passed walk, and he came to our house, where I was standing in the garden. He was telling people to get ready and go down in the meantime. Then he said to me, you must stay here and look after the dogs, they cannot be left alone, plus you need to deal with this fear of missing out, so you will now miss out… That part, where he mentions the fear of missing out hit home, I knew I had the fear the moment he said I need to stay and look after the dogs. 

What Bernard said to me made perfect sense, I agreed with a massive resistance, as I really did not want to stay with the dogs, I wanted to be IN, I wanted to hear what’s happening at the meeting, I do not want to miss something cool that could be shared with me or about me. Everyone has gone to the get together, and I just stood in the garden, trying to listen and hear what is being said from far away, but the distance was just enough that all I could hear was mumbling and every time everyone started laughing at once. 

Hours went by, and the get together was still going on, I heard all the talking and conversations in the mumbling form I received them, I sat outside paranoid and frustrated. It got late and I knew I wasn’t going to get feedback from anyone tonight, I went to bed to get some sleep, instead of just sitting there and trying to hear something. I already anticipated that the next day I will get feedback from Leila and others on what was said, and what happened, but it will be second hand as my judgement goes. 

The following morning, as I woke up and others were awake, I went to Leila to ask her what happened as that was a long get together. Now I wanted to fish out anything important, or if anything was said about me, or if there are some cool new dimensions that opened up I should know about. Her first words to me was, nothing much, but there was this point on characters that opened up. 

I already felt the pain of what I have missed according to my perception. Then in that moment what Bernard told me, that I need to work with this point of fear of missing out, came to me, and I within myself decided that I don’t care what happened, what I missed out or not, and I made this I don’t care not to not care for me, but in fact a decision to care about me, and to stop caring for the mind and the fears. I also had a realization in that moment that I am walking in this believe that I am less than, I am weak and useless, that I am vulnerable, that I am not good enough, that I need all the knowledge and information in the world before I can ever be ready to trust myself, instead of trusting myself. 

I then took it upon myself to MISS out as much as possible where I knew I was going to go for something or someone just because of a curiosity to find something, and I started living HERE direct with what is here, it was challenging, as I stopped making everything personal to me what is said or done, and I started trusting that I am okay, even if I had to live in a dark cage and all I ever could hear from this dark cage was mumbling from the outside and never being able to reach it, I have to be able to be here still, to breathe and focus on me, trust me, even if something is said about me or not, it does not define me, I define me in every moment and if I use any and all information I get and hear to define me, than I am fucked. As I have proven already how I fuck myself up with what I hear or do not hear, about me or that involves me, may it be fear, survival, money, relationships. 

I am tired of seeking drama, seeking a story, seeking things that create bullshit and participating within it, defining myself this way is torture, living according to the information I receive if torture, as nothing is ever practical or common sense then, it is all emotion based, fear based and personality based, nothing real, just chasing illusions and creating more illusions, I am missing reality in fact.

Fear of missing out – How Bernard Supported me with this point. Part 2

 

This blog is a continuation of Part 1 HERE http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.co.za/2018/01/fear-of-missing-out-how-bernard.html

 

From Part 1 “I will continue in Part two, sharing more and deeper points as this fear of missing out went from one polarity to another and finding a balance, also how this point was pushed even further by Bernard for me to face in specific moments.”

Fear of missing out has been a big point for me all my life. I would keep myself occupied as much as possible to be out there, to be aware of everything I possibly can, I had this urge to always be in the KNOW, I must know, I have to be informed. I always collected so much data as knowledge and information about people, gossip, and simply human relations. 

I did not want to be the guy that finds out later in an impolite manner about something or in an unexpected way. I wanted to have control of my environments, of the people and what they think of me, what is being said about me, what decisions are going to be made or could possibly be made that might affect my life, so I always wanted to know, this knowledge and information I gathered over time from many corners of my life would be used in secret by myself. I would take information I have gathered where I know I am personally involved, or where I can get involved or what might affect me, and I would play with the information in my mind as to how can I manipulate and change certain outcomes, the people and situations to always be that which I feel save with, where I am sort of in control. 

I did not notice at the time that I was living this program within “fear of missing out” or even how this program worked within a multi-dimensional play-out. 

Why did I fear missing out? Why was this fear within me? I can definitely say that something happened in my life where decisions were made, or events happened that I only found out either in the moment and took it as a shock, as unexpected and it rattled me, it shake my life, it changed everything to a degree for me personally, it took me from a point of feeling secure to a point of feeling insecure. Through such an event (may it have occurred in the first few years of my life here on earth or later on) I now had this fear which became my compass that always guided me to avoid such situations/events or circumstances that affect me personally and my security. 

Thus I had to become a secret agent for my own life, I had to gather as much information and knowledge as possible to then have the upper hand as I would make myself believe. So, I started living my life always focusing on fear, fear of missing out. Because if I miss out then feel vulnerable, I feel naked, I feel like I have nothing in my hands to play my cards on the table. 

Through this “fear of missing out” I have created a LOT of stress within myself, always rushing and hurrying up to get somewhere, I have created a lot of sneaky behaviors to find information from others in secretive ways. This behavior creates stress and fear in itself. 

I never allowed time for ME, and to focus on what I am creating, I rather lived life in a way where I took advantages of circumstances. This meant I had to WAIT a lot, because for the right circumstances to arrive isn’t every day. In the meantime while waiting I am basically spending all my time fishing, finding information and knowledge and filling my mind with so much information of nonsense I had no idea what to do with it except to gossip, to talk and to scheme about others and LIFE all the time. 

This behavior and living created MORE stress and a lot of anxiety, as I was stressing about missing information and being anxious about getting information that I can work with, and getting information I can work with meant it affects me, It had something to do with my life, thus it isn’t always great news, so anxious and excited at the same time. 

When and If I cot information that I believed I could work with, I would feel like I have a purpose and reason to live, to do something. This in return means that I was creating events and situations through my behaviour that even led to me messing up, fucking up and then creating the knowledge and information to come my way to then work with it. This is pretty messed up in terms of how so many things are interlinked and connected and how somehow it created stuff. 

Let me simplify this a bit more with an example. Say my mom and dad are having conflicts/arguing in secret, they do it in their room while we are sleeping and they think we do not know about it, I would stay up till late after pretending to go to sleep. Then I would sneak up to my parents room and listen against the door what is happening, I hear voices but it is mumbling, so I would get “smarter” and go outside, thus sneaking around quietly, my heart is pumping hard as I know I could be found out if they hear me, I am also fearful of what I might hear, so I stress about that. Then I am outside, I am listening in and I find some words, some information, it has something to do with money and spending money and saving money and so forth. I know everything my parents go through involves me, so when I hear money and problems, I go into a massive insecurity within myself and my future, my comfort, my life. I go into ALL kinds of thoughts of what ifs and what should I do or not do. 

I then go to bed after this gathering of knowledge and information, I wake up in FEAR and STRESS, because what do I do now with this knowledge and information. I start thinking a LOT, I start going into a lot of future projections of possibilities. Then I start acting, I start living in a way that makes me feel more secure, I act and behave in ways that makes no sense to anyone but me. I can’t tell my parents why I am behaving the way I am as they would then know I was in secret listening to them and their conversations. Now all day at school and everything else I am doing I am not focused at all, I am not HERE and living, I am in my mind thinking about this all day all the time, current reality loses purpose, I lose touch with it,  am somewhere else. 

This occurred and continued throughout my life over and over and over. This pattern would play out in anything and everything. From relationships, work, popularity and friends, I mean anything and everything. 

If you have read Blog one by now, then the next dimension will be much clearer for you. This next point is how Bernard pushed me daily and on many occasions on this point where it hit me real deep and hard and left me in this weird space of the UNKNOWN.

To be continued.

Fear of missing out – How Bernard Supported me with this point. Part 1

As a child, every time I heard my mother’s hair dryer blowing from her room, I would get anxious. The thought would come to mind of, where is my mother going??

I have throughout time learned that when my mother is doing her hair, that she is going out. I never KNEW when she was going out, she never informed me of her going out. I would just hear the hair dryer blowing, and I would immediately know she is going out and I MUST go with. I would drop whatever I was doing and quickly change my cloths and get ready. By the time she would pass my room I would tell my mother I am coming with.

My mother would respond and say, I am just going to go get some shopping. I did not care, I just wanted to go with, I feared missing out on something, I wasn’t ever sure what, so I went with to see what it might be. It always ended up with me just hanging around my mother walking around.

In those moments, I would drop whatever I was busy with, even if it was something I was already enjoying, like playing a game, or building with my blocks, or simply enjoying being where I am. In return, going with my mother, I missed out on what I was doing, dropping it half way and not focussing on myself, who I am and what I was doing, I was chasing something out there. 

How I developed this I am not sure, but it bled out into all aspects of my life, with friends, with Girlfriends, with so many things, I would always drop ME and rather rush to the event, the thing, the place to see what else is there, fear of missing out. It would always end up the same, me being here with me simply in a different situation or event or place. Sometimes it lead to weird things, or not so cool things. 

I got addicted to wanting to always KNOW, to always wanting to be informed, to be up to date to be in the LOOP of what’s happening, even if it had nothing to do with me, or had any relevance to me, I just wanted to be there. 

For example: I would be cleaning my room, something I resisted, yet here I am cleaning my room, focusing on me and improving me a bit more, then I hear that hair dryer blowing from my mother room, I drop the cleaning, change my cloths and forget about me and my improvement in a single moment and rush to this other place. Looking for me, something. 

Same with wanting to quit alcohol when I was drinking heavily and having to many hangovers, I would give myself a goal of not drinking, but as soon as a party starts and I am informed of that party, I drop that goal and there I GO, and at the party, I drink, because I fear missing out, I fear missing something. Back at square one. 

When I came to the farm, the first week after being here, Bernard told me that I will probably not leave the farm for about three months, and he asked me if I can handle that. I looked at him and said YES SURE, that should not be a problem. I had no idea why I would not be able to leave the farm for three months. In that time I did want to go to town a few times, and Bernard would say I can go, IF I can give him a reason that is valid for why I want to go to town which would mean me not doing my responsibilities and postponing them, and each and every time I had a reason Bernard would check y common sense and self-honesty within my reasons. 

For example, I would see someone is climbing into a car to go to town, and I would go to that someone and ask, hey can I come with, that other person would say sure, yes, you can come with, and I would respond with saying, OK, let me get my stuff. So I would run to my room to quickly get my stuff, Bernard would see me running and ask WHERE ARE YOU GOING? And I would slow down and look at him and say, I want to go to town, and Bernard would ask why? As I give my reason such as I need cigarettes, then Bernard would say, just give them the money to get it, you need to finish raking the grass in the fields today before the rain comes.

This kind of situation occurred each time I wanted to go to town, I first of all tried to go to town without Bernard noticing me, as I KNEW he would challenge me and check up on me, so I wanted to do is in a sneaky way, YET, he caught me each time. 

This continued for about 3 months, where I did not leave the farm. I went through a sort of a withdrawal of some sort, where I got a bit depressed and angry, as I could not go to town for no reason, YET each time I was redirected BACK to what I NEED to do, and that whatever I wanted in town, someone else could just get it for me, so while they do that I do what I could do best and get things done. 

So, by now you must know, Bernard pushed this point perfectly, if you look at how I used to live out this point and how he then supported me in facing this missing out point, I was forced to focus on ME and what I am doing, unlike how I used to just DROP what I am doing to run after other things in the fear of missing out. 

After those three months and a bit more, I started going to town a lot more, specifically to get my driver’s license that I failed the first time before I came to the farm. I got it in December 2008 with the farm support. 

Something very interesting changed within me and who I am in going into town. The first time after three month and a bit I noticed and experienced going into town a LOT different, everything felt so BUSY and stressed and tense and heightened in energy, my stomach was turning and I felt like throwing up. I remember when I went with Bernard he told me to BREATH as I have not dropped the energy to going to town, so now I can actually experience what is really going on, the systems and everything in play all the time, as I used to go to town to PLUG in, I now went to town not plugging in as much, but was more aware of the plugging in from within me, what I went to town for previously to support system and programs within me, to keep me upgraded and to keep my personality in tack by feeding myself in town, the city with mind consciousness systems. 

This is quite interesting. Because I used to go to town to literally FEED my ego, my personality, to make sure I am still in check, that I still fit in, that I am not out of date, that I have all the programs upgraded and working, all my apps are running fine to survive in the system. And after three months of not rushing to town, going to town within that energy, I felt WAY out of date, not updated, and wanting to update felt sickening, what I was doing to myself, selling myself out. 

Me not updating myself and my programs and doing the upgrades that are consistent within the system, just like the apps on our phones and all their updates occurring the whole time, I lost complete touch for a long time with the system, I would not shower of bath after doing some sweaty work, for a few days even, I would simply take a dip in the pool, put the same cloths on I worked with and wear gumboots that smell like horse shit and go to town, standing in lines where people would literally move away from me and look at my gumboots weird. I did not do this deliberately, I simply did it because I kind of didn’t know better anymore, I didn’t have the upgrades, so I went to town as I was. 

I did this for years, never upgrading, never plugging back in, never access those systems. I instead went as me, as me requiring only me to be who I am and living, expressing. It was only possible because of where I was/am, the Desteni farm, and the opportunity was here for me to live this to be this, to stand as this and to see what is here, how it works and going deeper, to in the long run stand as a support for others that might not have the same opportunity yet facing the same points, such as now, now is the time. 

I will continue in Part two, sharing more and deeper points as this fear of missing out went from one polarity to another and finding a balance, also how this point was pushed even further by Bernard for me to face in specific moments.