Start at the start, at least then I am starting and
doing something, I have find myself wanting to jump way ahead within doing
things and then I find myself lost, unable to move or direct myself.
The Start within Desteni is always self-investigation using
the tools that is given, writing and reading and self-forgiveness, common
sense, breathing as the guideline and self-honesty.
Using these tools within investigating self, one can also
investigate the world and how things work, it takes time, because self is a
creation of the whole that is here, like a product, self is thus the whole, and
what self-lives/experiences and everything in between is thus the whole because
it is keeping the whole as it is.
I am writing about this point because of an event that
happened today within starting to make some vlogs, I was sitting outside with
the tablet and I was making a vlog, but I kept on tripping and falling and
getting up while doing the vlog within speaking and how the information was flowing,
with anxiety forming and being created within the process.
This happened because I was about to talk about a point that
I have realized as knowledge and information, I could see the point, but I did
not investigate the point for myself within using the basic tools such as
writing/self-forgiveness/common-sense/self-honesty and breathing effectively.
So the stumbling/tripping came from knowing the point/seeing
the point but not having all the other points connected to it, which I would have
discovered within my self-investigation.
The self-investigation would take time, I was in a rush to
just make a vlog about the point, and thus I jumped to the middle, instead of
starting at the beginning and doing it as what is best for all which includes myself.
I see that I do this in fear of losing the point I have
seen/realized as knowledge and information thus far only, not yet investigated as
actuality for myself, and the resistance of doing the investigation, because I
know that part takes some actual focus and dedication and more time.
I have created a paranoia, where I am paranoid that if I do
not do this as a vlog now I will miss it forever, and then the paranoia goes
hand in hand with, me being paranoid about not having a vlog for today and thus
it must only come up tomorrow or the day after and then I will be falling “behind”
within the deadline I have given myself.
There was a simple solution, I could not see this as I went
into a total mind fuck about it and feeling all down and judge-mental, which I
now see as I am investigating the point now, I could have simply made a video
on the points I have already investigated and LIVED and have physical proof of
as myself. Which would have been perfect.
Here is another cool point of not starting at the start,
where I believe I must only make the vlogs on points that come up now, after
five and a half years into my process already, so there is that much time
behind me that I still have as evidence of many points I have walked and done
that I can make a vlog about, but I jumped it all.
Here is the secret reason for why all of this paranoia is
going on, I have been in the Desteni process for five and a half years, I have
walked and I have lived many corrections, I have faced extensive points within
my life that I never saw as possible, and they are equally relevant now as back
then, but my secret mind has created a secret idea about time, that if I share something
from years ago and support and assistance now, I might come forth as not having
moved at all within my process within all that time.
I see and realize that as MY walking of the correction
within this point, I must now do exactly that which I resist doing, I must walk
the points I have lived within my writing and within vlogs. So that I can get
rid of the ego as the mind as energy addiction, to remove all
ideas/beliefs/opinions as limitation and support and assist myself, and in the same
process others one and equal within all those points.
I see that I have a specific anxiety that I experience
because of the process I have walked thus far and have only kept to myself, it
is a anxiety that makes me feel like running from myself, but it actually just
me wanting to run from this point of facing myself within this one point, to
stop my self-judgments/fears and get over it and fucking share what I have to
share.
To be continued.
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