Way back in 2008 I was given two roads to choose from in my
life, I had a choice to make, since choice is always limited to the physical
aspects of everything that is here and thus not really a choice. Because we all
always make decisions that are only within our own best self-interest, thus the
choice is by nature already made for oneself.
I can write this because back in 2008, before I ever came to
Desteni farm, I was having a great time, if a great time is defined by
boozing/drinking and partying and having sex and a girlfriend and dropping out
of my last year of high school and already working as a waiter, then I guess that
was having a great time.
But the truth of my world back then was, when I was alone in
my room or even in the house I wasn’t happy, I always found myself depressed
and looking at the future, because the future is that one thing that still has
to come, and it is determined by what I already have done in the past and what
is in my immediate environment, that shows me pretty much where my future is
going.
I was in a relationship at that time as well, hoping that
the relationship will be a game changer or in other words a life changer, meet
new people, have more opportunities at money, as that is always the first goal
and then sex, because at the current stage in 2008 I was a waiter, I have been
doing it for a few months, and I saw that I was or maybe had to work there for
the next couple of years, maybe save up some money and try a different job, stay
at my parents’ house, maybe go and finish matrix/grade 12 and then try other
jobs.
The problem right after quitting the whole school
brainwashing thing was all about now surviving and making money, hoping the
brainwashing and all those years in a box filled with other kids. Will now pay
off, I skipped one of the school years, it can’t be that big difference, to my surprise
the difference was almost nothing, I was a waiter with people with degrees, how useless.
The main point is, I felt stuck, I was stuck, I did not see
any point in studying further, as a white
south African back then the black empowerment thing didn’t really motivate me as
well, but that’s just an excuse, I know. And the whole going back to school and
being the oldest kid in school finishing his last year with young people, wasn’t
that appealing to me.
I told my mother I would do my grade twelve/last year also
with homeschooling but after my off year and that I will pay for it with my own
money, but I know I was lying, it was only to make my mother feel better and to
create hope for her, because I felt hopeless and giving someone else false hope
makes us also delusional enough to actually feel better as well just because of
that, how strange. But my mother knew that anyway and did not say anything.
So Time went on, and I was living the double lie, when I am
with people I am happy and I look like I am going to have a bright future and
that I have plans and that I am doing so well even not finishing school, and
when I am alone, secret things happen, other plans no one knows about, I was
thinking a lot, I was really looking at what I can do, how can I get out, how
can I just NOT be here in this town in this place, somewhere where there is a
lot more opportunity.
Obviously all that talk was just bullshit to myself to keep
myself occupied, to make myself believe that there is something better out
there and all I have to do it get to that other place.
But the people in all the other places (as on the news) are
doing even way worse, so it was clear it was all in my head really, hiding the
fact of reality happening right in front of my eyes from myself through participating
in different realities in my head. But every
day going to work was another slap in my face.
So that is where my life was at, stuck and lost and really
not doing anything, I was waiting and waiting for something else to come and
change my LIFE.
Then came the secret – you know the ask belief and receive secret,
oops it’s not a secret anymore, so they made billions.
To be continued on the secret.
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