Day 359 – reading then writing Part 4.

Day 358 – Breathe and write each word Part3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a negative dreadful experience towards writing when and as I have to write, seeing and realizing that this negative experience was created by me though what I accepted and allowed within that moment as a child when I had to read and the could not and how the teacher reacted/behaved towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define reading as bad and stupid because of how I have defined myself within that moment that I could not read and thus blamed the reading.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the words/reading for how I experienced myself and still do experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as unable to be able to ever read effectively and to thus write effectively in that moment when and as I could not read and that I cried and felt powerless within the situation and thus gave the situation power over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as bad for not being able to read.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by the teacher and her words and behavior towards me for not being able to read and to take it all in as real and that it must be something wrong with me, and to within that make a decision about myself in relation to reading and that I simply can’t read, I simply will never be able to read or write properly and thus I should only do what I can to always make it by, do the minimum reading and the minimum writing that is required to just make it, as that will prevent any situation where I might seem or feel stupid and unable to read again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself within ever developing the ability to read and write effectively as the age of six due to one experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say FUCK reading and FUCK writing as back chat in that moment that I felt powerless and to give up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I said FUCK myself to myself actually in that moment as an attempt to be spiteful towards writing and reading.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that n that moment when I decided I can’t read and that reading is fucked up, that I actually compromised my entire life ahead of me, and that I gave up on self-perfection and that this flowed into my entire life within many thing and all things I did and do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards the teacher and myself through saying fuck reading and writing as a way to rebel, when and as the real reason was what I was experiencing within myself and that I could not say what it was and why I was experiencing it and thus instead attempted to hide it and suppress it and create a personality to protect myself from that experience as the FUCK reading/writing it is for losers personality.

To be continued.

Day 358 – Writing and Breathing is Key Part 3

This is a continuation from Day 356 – self-hatred and writing part 1

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe effectively when and as I write and place my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when and as I do writing that how I place my words and construct my sentences is how I place the words within me as the words I live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write from the starting point of “just writing to get it done” instead of writing to actually support and assist myself where I write within breath and speaking out each word so that it is moving one and equal with the physical, where I do not attempt to follow the mind and get lost within a energy experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear losing time when and as I write and thus attempt to write as the mind where I go fast and do not write what is here, seeing and realizing that the fear is already determining the writing and the support that I will give to myself which is fear instead of breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I can write fast or type fast that I am good at writing/typing and thus within this believe already writing as a belief instead of as the physical as real support within developing real writing skills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself for what I am writing about, believing that I am incapable of writing about the points, seeing and realizing that because I started the writing from the starting point of fear and of a belief, I will only see the point from the point of view of the fear and belief. Instead of slowing down and investigating the point real time within and as myself here and thus no knowledge or information is required as it is all here when and as I am breathing and slowing down and seeing the points. 

Here I am going back to a experience of when I was a child, around six years of age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel that having to read or write is forced onto me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a Belief/idea/opinion about reading and writing because if how it was forced onto me as something I JUST have to do, without any explanation for the purpose of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my judgment based on one experience my final judgment about reading and thus writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach an negative emotional experience to reading and words and writing in general due to how the person at the time was handling the situation with me having to learn how to read.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how I experienced myself within the moment of trauma when and as the person was yelling and screaming and being forceful with me towards reading. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea that reading must be something that comes natural, otherwise the teacher would never have been so meant o me, because I believed that I was supposed to naturally be able to read the way she was treating me and not helping me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that experience define myself as not naturally having the ability everyone else seem to have to read and write and thus I am a bad and stupid person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Create Resistance towards reading and writing and actually developing the skills effectively according to that one moment, that one experience as a memory in relation to reading/words/writing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher all these years for me not developing my reading and writing skills effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the blaming has only worked against me within the space and time that has gone by already and that within all the time I have had I have not developed the skills effectively yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not being able to read on that day with that teacher there, because I blamed myself for how I could not read or finish one sentence and how the teacher got frustrated and angry at me as I felt that I was a waist of her time and useless, seeing and realizing that within that moment I created a self-definition.

To be continued.

 

Day 357 – Writing about who I am within Writing Part 2

Day 355 - Self-Hatred and writing Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself for how I write before and while I write. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself as being pathetic for how I place my sentences and words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as worthless for how I write and place my sentences and the vocabulary I use and the spelling mistakes I make. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be harsh on myself for how I write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see and realize that the problem I am facing within writing is also my solution, seeing and realizing that as I have the problem of how I write and the vocabulary I use and the spelling mistakes I make is only revealing to me what I must focus on to change instead of Judging myself, seeing and realizing that as I keep on judging myself and creating self-hatred within my self-judgments towards myself, That I am  within that always rushing my writing to avoid having to face my writing as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid the blatant obvious truth of my writing, that my writing is in fact reflecting and showing me to myself in actual detail. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that when and as I write that I am rushing myself, thus I am unable to focus and to be specific within my writing within my vocabulary and within my sequencing and words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I rush my writing that I am attempting to keep up with the mind, instead of breathing and slowing down and remaining within what is here and to write what is here as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when and as I am writing and rushing and making all the mistakes and never getting to correct myself within the space and time that is here that the problems will always remain and be the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that how I write is a reflection of how I live and that is a reflection of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when and as I write fast and in a attempt to grab all the information at once that I will make lots of spelling mistakes and that I will lose focus and the sequence and that I will live this in everything I do within my life, as I am creating myself daily within writing and thus what I write and how I write is who I am creating myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the point of self-hatred is created by self, trough repeated mistakes and accumulated energies that I do not correct or stop to take real self-responsibility for, through taking the actual actions to correction and eventually self-perfection. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe effectively when and as I am writing to be aware of each word and how I type each word and how I place each word as myself.

To be continued.

Day 356 – Self-hatred and writing. Part 1

How do I start this sentence, this is the first question that pops up, I want to write about the point yet I am still within the point I want to write about.

I created self-hatred the moment I did not know how to start writing, how to place the experience and the specifics as I see them in words, into sentences and structures and frequencies. 

I created the self-hatred based on a Immediate self-judgment I made in the moment, it isn’t even words in my head that is judging, it is the entire beingness of myself, it is a self-definition.

I see that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the judgment, the judgment being that of “I Gian Robberts a male born in 1990/04/04 in Johannesburg cannot write”. 

That is the self-definition, It is within and as me imprinted into my flesh as if it will never be unchangeable, I have identified myself AS it.

This self-judgment comes a long way, a very long way, it comes from school and starts at home, and I have used this self-definition as SO many justification and reasons and ways to manipulate and to Identify myself with within groups and with certain people and my environment’s to the extent that it has helped me throughout my life to protect my self-interest/survival, so I never wanted to change it. 

Now that I am writing and now that I have been educated on how important it is to be able to read and to write, the ignorance has been broken and I have started facing myself from all the many years of missing the opportunities and ways that I could have spent my time on learning to read and to write effectively and all the self-hatred I have created within myself towards myself from making those decisions back then.

I am now twenty three years old, I am going to be a Father soon, and I am still struggling with reading and writing effectively, I use spell-check way too much, when I read my own work after I wrote it, I feel stupid and I create more layers of self-hatred, I could have red a thousand books by now throughout my life with all the opportunities I had, et I have probably only red about four till the end. Some half-way. And a lot of newspapers and magazines and stuff like on Facebook, but they don’t really challenge or expand anything. 

Within all the blogs I have written thus far I have developed a new skill of myself within my writings, I must say: If it wasn’t for the Journey to Life or Desteni I would never ever in my life have cared about writing or give a shit about myself and challenge my limitations and walk through the fears.

So there is improvement, there is writing in the first place, it is happening and I am continuing, I would like to continue on all the previous blogs I have written already and where I have said, to be continued. but never have/did, I saw this pattern growing more and more where I do that, because I have now seen the point that was moving me, the self-hatred, every time after I wrote a blog I would read it and I would hate myself for writing it and sounding like shit and the way it is laid out and then I would say to be continued in the hope that tomorrow I will have better words or be less tired and write it better, yet that isn’t the problem and to never go back because I have connected this self-hatred point to that blog and like I am unable to write on it, continue on it.

So I have to remove this self-hatred from my life, I hate myself on more than one level, I hate myself on many levels, and I know why, I see the dimensions of it all, I see the exact points I participate within that supports self-hatred, I see the patterns, I have been with Desteni for 5 years, yet they are so prominent within who I have defined myself to be I simply keep them as Gian.

Self-hatred as I see how I participate within it comes from the mind (obviously) because within the mind I have Ideas/beliefs/opinions of myself and from others about what Is expected or how it is supposed to be/sound/look etc., and every time I do something and it does not match the ideas/beliefs/opinions within my mind I Immediate hate myself for it.

Many can relate to this self-hatred point quite easily – we all see pictures in the magazines and on TV of these sexy males and females that is fit and strong and can do all these awesome things and all the good cloths fit them and they look so comfortable and confident etc., and the moment we do not look those parts, we create self-hatred, and then we take on some form of diet or exercise classed to get in shape, but it is done from the starting point of self-hatred, and the more we do not react or look the part even after a lot of work, the self-hatred keeps on growing, it keeps on coming, never seeing the achievements already here.

As I am facing my point on writing/reading included, I have had the opportunities, I have the opportunities still – But I have given the energy and the mind and the silent secret back chat all choice and decisions over my life so I did not even see that I gave up on myself to improve, I simply kept on writing within the ominous atmostfear guided by self-hatred believing it is normal to experience every time I write. 

To be continued.