Day 358 – Writing and Breathing is Key Part 3

This is a continuation from Day 356 – self-hatred and writing part 1

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe effectively when and as I write and place my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that when and as I do writing that how I place my words and construct my sentences is how I place the words within me as the words I live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write from the starting point of “just writing to get it done” instead of writing to actually support and assist myself where I write within breath and speaking out each word so that it is moving one and equal with the physical, where I do not attempt to follow the mind and get lost within a energy experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear losing time when and as I write and thus attempt to write as the mind where I go fast and do not write what is here, seeing and realizing that the fear is already determining the writing and the support that I will give to myself which is fear instead of breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I can write fast or type fast that I am good at writing/typing and thus within this believe already writing as a belief instead of as the physical as real support within developing real writing skills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself for what I am writing about, believing that I am incapable of writing about the points, seeing and realizing that because I started the writing from the starting point of fear and of a belief, I will only see the point from the point of view of the fear and belief. Instead of slowing down and investigating the point real time within and as myself here and thus no knowledge or information is required as it is all here when and as I am breathing and slowing down and seeing the points. 

Here I am going back to a experience of when I was a child, around six years of age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel that having to read or write is forced onto me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a Belief/idea/opinion about reading and writing because if how it was forced onto me as something I JUST have to do, without any explanation for the purpose of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my judgment based on one experience my final judgment about reading and thus writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach an negative emotional experience to reading and words and writing in general due to how the person at the time was handling the situation with me having to learn how to read.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how I experienced myself within the moment of trauma when and as the person was yelling and screaming and being forceful with me towards reading. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea that reading must be something that comes natural, otherwise the teacher would never have been so meant o me, because I believed that I was supposed to naturally be able to read the way she was treating me and not helping me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that experience define myself as not naturally having the ability everyone else seem to have to read and write and thus I am a bad and stupid person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Create Resistance towards reading and writing and actually developing the skills effectively according to that one moment, that one experience as a memory in relation to reading/words/writing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher all these years for me not developing my reading and writing skills effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the blaming has only worked against me within the space and time that has gone by already and that within all the time I have had I have not developed the skills effectively yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not being able to read on that day with that teacher there, because I blamed myself for how I could not read or finish one sentence and how the teacher got frustrated and angry at me as I felt that I was a waist of her time and useless, seeing and realizing that within that moment I created a self-definition.

To be continued.