Day 356 – Self-hatred and writing. Part 1

How do I start this sentence, this is the first question that pops up, I want to write about the point yet I am still within the point I want to write about.

I created self-hatred the moment I did not know how to start writing, how to place the experience and the specifics as I see them in words, into sentences and structures and frequencies. 

I created the self-hatred based on a Immediate self-judgment I made in the moment, it isn’t even words in my head that is judging, it is the entire beingness of myself, it is a self-definition.

I see that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the judgment, the judgment being that of “I Gian Robberts a male born in 1990/04/04 in Johannesburg cannot write”. 

That is the self-definition, It is within and as me imprinted into my flesh as if it will never be unchangeable, I have identified myself AS it.

This self-judgment comes a long way, a very long way, it comes from school and starts at home, and I have used this self-definition as SO many justification and reasons and ways to manipulate and to Identify myself with within groups and with certain people and my environment’s to the extent that it has helped me throughout my life to protect my self-interest/survival, so I never wanted to change it. 

Now that I am writing and now that I have been educated on how important it is to be able to read and to write, the ignorance has been broken and I have started facing myself from all the many years of missing the opportunities and ways that I could have spent my time on learning to read and to write effectively and all the self-hatred I have created within myself towards myself from making those decisions back then.

I am now twenty three years old, I am going to be a Father soon, and I am still struggling with reading and writing effectively, I use spell-check way too much, when I read my own work after I wrote it, I feel stupid and I create more layers of self-hatred, I could have red a thousand books by now throughout my life with all the opportunities I had, et I have probably only red about four till the end. Some half-way. And a lot of newspapers and magazines and stuff like on Facebook, but they don’t really challenge or expand anything. 

Within all the blogs I have written thus far I have developed a new skill of myself within my writings, I must say: If it wasn’t for the Journey to Life or Desteni I would never ever in my life have cared about writing or give a shit about myself and challenge my limitations and walk through the fears.

So there is improvement, there is writing in the first place, it is happening and I am continuing, I would like to continue on all the previous blogs I have written already and where I have said, to be continued. but never have/did, I saw this pattern growing more and more where I do that, because I have now seen the point that was moving me, the self-hatred, every time after I wrote a blog I would read it and I would hate myself for writing it and sounding like shit and the way it is laid out and then I would say to be continued in the hope that tomorrow I will have better words or be less tired and write it better, yet that isn’t the problem and to never go back because I have connected this self-hatred point to that blog and like I am unable to write on it, continue on it.

So I have to remove this self-hatred from my life, I hate myself on more than one level, I hate myself on many levels, and I know why, I see the dimensions of it all, I see the exact points I participate within that supports self-hatred, I see the patterns, I have been with Desteni for 5 years, yet they are so prominent within who I have defined myself to be I simply keep them as Gian.

Self-hatred as I see how I participate within it comes from the mind (obviously) because within the mind I have Ideas/beliefs/opinions of myself and from others about what Is expected or how it is supposed to be/sound/look etc., and every time I do something and it does not match the ideas/beliefs/opinions within my mind I Immediate hate myself for it.

Many can relate to this self-hatred point quite easily – we all see pictures in the magazines and on TV of these sexy males and females that is fit and strong and can do all these awesome things and all the good cloths fit them and they look so comfortable and confident etc., and the moment we do not look those parts, we create self-hatred, and then we take on some form of diet or exercise classed to get in shape, but it is done from the starting point of self-hatred, and the more we do not react or look the part even after a lot of work, the self-hatred keeps on growing, it keeps on coming, never seeing the achievements already here.

As I am facing my point on writing/reading included, I have had the opportunities, I have the opportunities still – But I have given the energy and the mind and the silent secret back chat all choice and decisions over my life so I did not even see that I gave up on myself to improve, I simply kept on writing within the ominous atmostfear guided by self-hatred believing it is normal to experience every time I write. 

To be continued.