I am becoming more and more aware of how I have this resistance within me to be intimate with myself, to be with ME in silence, I see that this resistance is here consistently, like a ghost on my heels in everything I do, this ghost is representing the “past” – how this works is, in each and every moment that I am living “externally” the moment for me to truly express myself as myself as who I am, becomes a ghost, and the more and more I do this, the ghost is getting bigger and bigger, and eventually I will push myself to a point of “breaking” – this is where I will have to make the only decision that is actually a real decision, to be with me here in breath, or not exist basically. The reason I see for this resistance to be with ME/Myself, to be intimate with myself, is due to ALL that I have already done, and I know (this is important, because this is actually not the fear of the unknown, but actually the fear of I KNOW, yes resist and postpone) that the moment I am with me here in BREATH – then all I have even been, lived and done, GOOD or BAD would be forgiven, and thus I will have to release myself of my own Debt, why would I do that if I have literally defined myself according to my debt, my wrongs and rights, mostly my wrongs. I thrive on the self-definition that I have created in my own eyes and that I believe I have created in the eyes of others, this is building interest each day, and there is a lot of value on it as I make myself belief and others – the value is based on belief, I can’t suddenly change…. Then I would lose it all, my investments, I have spent my whole life creating/building up.
So, how is this eating me up to constantly give into the resistance instead of pushing through to be with myself? It is through the habit’s and patterns that I have established as external parts of my reality where I have to constantly participate within to keep defining myself according to my investment, my interest, to grow. I have to keep on compound the interest by participating within the habits and patterns, even if all of them are not best for me, or others. But to enforce the belief and try and give it REAL value I have to constantly manifest and create the exact same consequences within my life that are real, based off the belief/value/interest, to eventually grow the apparent real proof that this belief is real, this value of mine is real, that this is who I am, because now I can show people real things, I am my gold, and to proof that I as my own gold/resource needs to have proven value, so I keep on proving my value through consistently patriating in the habits and patterns to manifest the same shit over and over – even if it means I end up with total destruction of myself, at least I can then be with myself and say, SEE this is my value, my worth.
How did this get so messed up? That my worth and value of myself is that which is external from me, even if it good or bad. Why do I not see value in MYSELF as life, which is always the same value and needs no proof, I am already that proof by breathing, being here, it is self-evident, so why do I keep on insisting my value is something else by participating in ALL these external things to proof a point about some irrational point of value?
Here I look at the interest that has been planted within me, I say planted because I went through my first 18 years of life through a factory called the system of money, well there we have it, I have literally been living the exact same way within me as the money system, I have no value as long as I do not make money, I have no purpose and no one will be interested in me if I do not have money value, if I do not have a home, car, family, food, as proven by the billions in poverty, no one has an interest in them. So, I have to consistently create this character/personality that has value and an interest for others to be interested within and to see value, so that I can externally have the same, a fear driven force, and most of the cases all of this is a struggle, because it is in direct conflict with who I am in fact as life that is a total full and complete value always, so this fake value point starts taking over, where I start functioning exactly like the money system, giving LIFE no value and always only valuing the external (how I am, what I do), profiting, and this isn’t necessarily good, because of the conflict.
Bad, and shitty habits form, we can see across the world, Alcohol, drugs, porn and many many other addictions are existent here, as a way to release all the build-up stress, anxiety and fear that we have for ourselves as not bearing enough value and thus interest for others and thus surviving within this system of money.
So, going back to more personal points. Instead of writing self-forgiveness or breathing and letting go, and getting to just be with me in silence, I will instead drink more coffee, sit down and start bench watching videos on local politics, UFO’s, conspiracies, or I will simply start to THINK a ton, a lot, about everything, about life, about making connections, about people in my life, about all the small things and everything I can possible think about, In the fear of it all, as I’m actually through the thinking as the mind consciousness system checking and evaluating if my value and interests are still protected, that I still have value, if anything shows me that I might lose value, that I am insecure, I almost immediately break down and this leads to insecure habits and patterns of self-destruction that is self-harm and harm to others. Like the markets just crashed and a massive economic collapse just took place within me, and so all is running for their lives, and everyone is panicking and then after the self- destructive patterns and habits, I will find myself a new way, a new characteristic trait that might save me, my interest/value – and so I will test that part out, play it out and in a few days, weeks, I will have feedback, and usually it fails according to my mind consciousness system, so all repeats and same old points play out, and so it goes in circles, and as this continue the value of myself is going down and down, because in reality shit is getting worse, and since my value is externally placed, I can never be stable, and so I see, I have to come to a point of stopping and living what I know – Who I am.
It is hard to let this go, to stop participating within the internal economic system of interest and valuing self through thinking and the calculating and accessing process of what habits and patterns one has invested in to FEED ones betting systems, the videos, articles, recordings about anything and everything and to actually start taking this process fully internal, till my own self-value is that equal and one to life and noting externally changes anything of me, so I stand clear. The thinking is extreme, it has to stop, the calculating is extreme, and it has to stop.
Can I sit on my bed for hours and breathe and be here with me, letting go, be silent, instead of giving into participating in distractions that feeds my thinking/betting systems.