An interesting memory came up today, I first had shoulder
pain, so I asked my partner to just touch my shoulders, so that I can see what
information was within my shoulders as it is being release, so as I stood there
and my partner pressed on my shoulders for a minute, I got a pain in my neck on
the left side, which showed me a point of expression and the shoulders was
burdened and self-judgement, as I was breathing, I saw a memory coming up, as
this memory came up and I started talking about it my shoulders started
relaxing and the pain in my neck, but the points are still there. So here I go
with the memory.
This memory isn’t very specific, it is many memories blurred
into one experience within me, like the impression of my entire childhood,
where the impression I got as a child living and expressing myself was that
everything or anything I wanted to just do, that was different, that wasn’t “normal”
was seen as me just being a child, and the definition of a child in general
society, especially in my county, is that a child is stupid, so I got the “feeling”
always that I was stupid, in adequate – that I must rather listen to the adults
and do as they say, do as they do and then I will be seen as intelligent, as
good enough, as smart. YET, I had a conflict within me to why can’t I do what I
want to do and express that.
Now this has become part of me as an adult, where I now
always feel when I am doing something different, outside of the “norms” of what
other adults are doing, that I am stupid, that I do not know what I am doing,
that I am just messing around, that I am not serious, that I am just going
through a phase, that I will come to my senses later on, that what I am doing
is a joke.
This created a massive ego problem later on as an adult,
where I as an adult become very aggressive, very angry, and I want to PROVE
what I am doing isn’t stupid, that I know what I am doing, that this isn’t just
a phase, that I am capable, and so I become a very sensitive person actually,
very emotional, where anyone that might challenge me to make me experience myself
as that child again, will trigger some nasty shit, some fire being thrown at
them. And this makes me a very reactive and unpleasant person to be around,
even though what I am presenting as my face and behavior is calm and cool and
confident, all this is a manipulation technique developed to “keep face” as a
way of showing the world that world was wrong, the world here being the adults,
their believes, their cultures, their “ways” and so forth, and so I become very
stubborn over time, very difficult to change anything within me, as I fear losing
this life long battle as me as the child against the adults.
Even now where I am an adult, I still see myself as a Child
that is fighting the adults, that is here to prove the adults wrong, and this
creates a lot of stress, tension and a massive Burden that I have created for myself
to carry and to accomplish for myself, as I am always walking in-between
winning or losing, never walking actually in stability as this is a polarity
based “game” that I have created within me, and as a teenager did rebel, did
attempt to break up my family and relationships in abusive emotional ways.
And so the battle of the Ego’s commenced for eternity, where
both sides perceive themselves as the good side, yet each opposite sees the
other side as the evil, and thus a losing battle begun of knowledge and
information, who is right and who is wrong, completely missing common sense,
self-honesty and the physical reality, as the it is and can only be a battle of
MIND as energy and a winner and a loser.
Lol where to begin the Self forgiveness?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fight adults or people that I see as “adults” and to within this fighting which
can come through as general speaking want to “win” the conversation as to feel
that I am not stupid, that I am not lacking, that I am not in the wrong and to
make the adults feel like they are in the wrong and to make them feel as if
they are a child that is stupid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear feeling or experiencing myself as a stupid child where I am corrected or said
to be wrong or to not be taken seriously.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear not being taken seriously even when I am within all seriousness expressing
myself, yet I believe and perceive that people see me still as a child.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear how others perceive me and to within this perception they have of me hold
that against me within anything I do or say and where this perception of me
that I believe people have of me is always negative, as inferior, as less than,
as just Gian being funny.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
be concerned of what others people have as a perception of me within their
minds and to act within that concern and to always wanting to proof that
concern that I have wrong to others, when in fact I am actually attempting to
proof myself wrong, as the concern is existent within me as my experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
always be concerned about how people see me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
desire that people always see me as only the best qualities that is that of
right and intelligent and wise and full of knowledge.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the
perception of myself as not being smart to exist within me as a conflict within
me that I have with myself where I am always fighting myself and attempting to
proof to myself that I am smart, yet finding this impossible as I am fighting a
believer of myself that I am not smart which will always be there no matter how
smart I get, and thus my smartness will never be enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
judge myself as stupid and not capable and to within this self-judgement FEAR
that others will judge me the same, or see that I am judging myself as that and
then take advantage of that judgement I have of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the
experience I had a “just being a child” to take hold and effect on me
throughout my life and to infect everything I as an experience of never being
enough, of never being creative or an individual that can express himself, and
to within that always Blame those that I have deemed as being responsible for
my experience and who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
create and hold an impression of my childhood experiences within me of that I
am not normal, as just being a child, as stupid, inadequate, not capable, not
serious, that I must always listen to adults, and do as adults say, those with “experience”
and that have lived longer.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
define myself according to the impressions I got from family, society, that I
am not smart, that I am not intelligent, that I am not good enough, and to
within this form an inner conflict within myself of self-hatred, where I
started blaming and judging myself for “missing” all those things and so always
fight with myself within myself and started developing self-hatred and anger
issues also towards others that would make me experience myself as all those
things that I am “missing” and take the fight/conflict outward to make the
other person/people feel the same way as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
want to make others feel the same way as I experience myself just to get back
at them, as to blame them for what I have accepted and allowed to exist within
me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
when and as I communicate with other people over the internet or in real life,
to always have a defense system up where I am ready to protect myself for in
case I am challenged in the fear of feeling like a stupid child again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to exist
as the insecurity of and as a child of and as the system definition of a child,
instead of standing by my physical child as the confidence of ME as the
physical, and to within this separate myself from the expression of the
physical into the mind as a energy program that works/function on polarities as
reactions, as winning and losing, and to within this create a religion of myself
that I must fight for, that I must protect, where I am in fact always only
protecting the ideas/believes/opinions of myself of being a stupid child and
never actually changing myself as the problem within me through corrective
living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
hold onto having to fight everyone in my world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
hold onto the idea that I must defend myself against everyone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
hold onto the idea/believe that I must always prove myself to everyone or I
will lose.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
hold onto the fear of losing, where I believe that if I have to even lose in a
conversation or in a talk or any form of communication with others or the world
or where I do not know something yet, that I am less, that I am not worthy of
life, of being me, or expressing me, and that I should rather then shut up and
sit in the corner as I was taught to do in school.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
hold back on my expression and common sense in the fear of that anyone might challenge
it, and that I might have been wrong and need to re-look at what I looked at and
to within this actually only fear knowing my ego and that I will be unwilling to
admit I have missed a point and so rather not express myself in the fear of
facing all my ego points.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear confrontation as I fear feeling like a child that is stupid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe that I must be able to right now as I am, know everything in existence before
I can express myself, seeing and realizing that this comes from the ego point
of fearing being wrong, losing and thus I want to prepare myself to ONLY win,
and so I lose all common sense and rather focusing on knowledge and
information as reason as weapons to defend myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
judge myself for doing something different than what adults advised me to do,
where I fear that the adults will laugh at me and see me as being stupid and
funny again and thus not being taken serious.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
make this “being taken seriously” such a big point where I can actually become possessed
by anger and wanting control people and events for the sake of feeling that I
am being taken seriously.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
add so much value of who I am within needing to be taken seriously.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
not see and realize that I must take myself seriously first and even when I do
take myself serious to take it kindheartedly, where I attach nothing personal
to what I say and do, but to walk it within principle, within self-honesty and
common sense, to simply always make sure that I am checking my words to be
within common sense, supportive and best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
always be tense within myself expecting the worse responses from people within
what I do and what I stand for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
be tense within myself when and as I am being serious, seeing and realizing
that I am tense because I am writing from the starting point of “people MUST
take this what I am saying serious or there will be shit” and to within this
place heavy expectations on myself through how I have placed the word in
writing or speaking and thus create a In Tenseness within me through how I have
placed the sentences that now hold me to them and their expectations as the
intentions I had behind them, which was and is still based on self-interest to
PROOF myself to others as being serious, instead of my starting point being
clear, a realization and insight of a real moment as a living being walking
within Principle and expressing the insight, realization as is and to not ADD
on the extra bit that comes from where I believe I am lacking and requires to
WIN and seen as serious and thus always exaggerate my words to make up for what
I believe I am lacking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
NOT check myself in slow motion breathing and what is HERE as personality and
to stop and all personality/character that interFEAR with what I have seen as a
realization or insight and where the message remains clear and thus supportive
for all one and equal as the physical, no mind added, no secret agenda, no
tail, no intention, no Bias.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cast
aside simplicity, direct hereness, seeing and to add biased messages and values
within my words that supports the mind, as my characters, personalities that
are always from and as a negative starting point, even if the message is “positive”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
when and as I see a person say something or comment on something which contains
a lot of information and knowledge to cast aside my simplicity and t take what
the person has said as a personal attack/challenge to see if I can beat this
person, if I can win with my knowledge and information and so chase away
people, and so create wards and fight and conflicts that are unnecessary and
very personal and not what is best for all life, and not for myself, or I would
not have had any personal connections to my words as they are as and for all
life, and not for a personal agenda.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
tense up as I am about to say something in the fear of saying the wrong things
that makes me sound and seem like a loser and thus not win, instead of
breathing and trusting my simplicity, my direct seeing, my common sense and to
speak that no matter how I “think” others will receive it, as long as I check
my words and know they are clear and in alignment with what’s best for all
life, expression common sense, expressing NO emotion, no feelings no personal attachments
that then contaminates and renders the message useless.
I commit myself to when and as I see I am about to speak,
type, write or do any form of communication, to check myself, to slow down, to remove
all emotion, feelings and to forgive what is here behind my starting point for wanting
to do what I am about to do, to stabilize myself and not rush into battle and
to check my words, my common sense, my self-honesty and to write the words that
are clear and to not attach any personal value where I feel what I am saying
will give or remove any value from me, as the value of my words must stand
within common sense, self-honesty and that stand in the physical and needs NO
fighting, no argument, no personality, NO bias.
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