Day 562 - Going to/into the City

 when I am at home, I am more "myself" so to say, I can be relaxed and move myself accordingly. I can be aware of my breathing and my thoughts and I can stop them quite well and direct myself in moments where I am facing conflict with my internal reality and my external to equalize myself. yet when I am scheduled to go into the City and the time has arrived for me to go, there is a change within all of me, not any specific energy that I can pinpoint, but I do know it is a character that is in a way an entity takeover, so besides me changing my cloths and what I wear to go to the city, there is also a change of myself. this is obviously not trust worthy. as this is unpredictable and not me directing me in clarity within principles of Desteni/Life.

so it must be questioned and Self forgiveness must take place to change this pattern and to remove this character that is NOT for me but against me, not for LIFE or even a seed/creation of Life, but of and as the mind, the life sucking virus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity from and of survival where I make it a positive experience within myself to go to the city, to suppress the negative/fear of who I am when I am in the city.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a negative experience within myself of being in the city and who I am within the city and to within this seek out only the positive when I am in the city, thus consuming and finding entertainment and distractions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a bipolar character within who I am when and as I go to the city, as a love hate relationship and thus having both polarities as my experience towards the system that is deceptive and abuse yet have all these fun things that money only can afford and only some, and thus deceive myself within experiencing one thing and living out another. I see and realize that I can live and be in a city and at the same time be absolutely real with myself and do not need to hide anything form myself and that this will in fact empower me to take authority and be the directive principle of who I am and how I direct myself within this system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an Idea that the city is a great place to just get away from myself to lose myself in all the distractions that the system has placed so nicely for the humans to be distracted even if abuse and harm is happening all around everyone all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being brutally self-honest with myself and my participation as who I am within being in the city and to see everything for what is actually is, a mind created system to feed off of everyone. Imagine here the human batteries in the Matrix movie all stacked like in a city formation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel saver to just deceive myself within looking at a city and being in a city that there is "good" within it, because it looks beautiful and gives me good feelings and comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not just go into the city but to also go into a character of the city.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a character without notice when and as I am going into the city.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose my breathe awareness when and as I go into the city, as if the city is making me lose my breath, seeing and realizing that I am losing my focus, my awareness within going into the IDEA of the city within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into Survival mode when and as I go into the city, within the IDEA that when one is within the city that it is an all-out survival game that one must participate within to survive as an energetic experience and within ones behaviors of the body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “feel” as if the City is pressuring me to go into a character that fits into the city within the Idea of the City and that the city is an all-out survival game that I must take part in to survive in the city.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this Idea within my mind due to how I observe the City and what is happening within the city and to within this observation act out on what IDEA I have created and thus create a City Idea Character that takes over as I go into the City and to lose focus on my breath awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my breath and to within this give trust over to an entity that I have created to take me over through my authority of acceptance and allowance within energy as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I focus on breathing instead of on living a character of the City, that I will lose, that I will not survive and that I will be abused and harmed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the City and everything within the City as against me as Breath, as all the people, distractions and the general energy of fear and survival and to within this rather give into the distractions, energies through letting the character as the City entity take me over where Breath is shallow and barely living, taking on the zombie mode of survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing within and as breath where ever I am, in the City or not, and to move myself as breathe as life, as the correction that is sorely needed in this world, and that I must live this change, because who else will If I simply accept and allow a city character/entity to take over and live for me just like everyone else.

I commit myself to when and as I go to the city to go as breath, as me here and to remain within awareness, and to through walking this correction prove to myself first that me here as breath is in fact best and practical.

I commit myself to when and as I see any form of energy come over me as I go to the city, as I climb into a car to drive towards the city, or even when I have the thought of I am going to the city. To stop such energy, IDEA of what it means to go to the city and everything implicated, and to breathe and remain here.

I commit myself to when and as I am in the City, to not fall for the fears that come up to drag me back into character to play the game of the mind and to not stand up for me, for life as a living example that change is possible in each breath.