I have come to see this pattern a few time now, where I want
to speak, say something. but I am waiting till I have the attention of someone
first and then speak, or walk away and compromise myself.
When this happens I feel like a little kid, waiting to get
the permission of the adults to speak, like I have to put my hand up and only
if I am given the right of way may I speak, and if there is no one to give me
the right of way to speak I simply walk away or suppress what I wanted to say, and
while I wait to get permission to speak I built up anxiety.
I have to look at this a different way, I am anxious before
I even go to speak/talk, the anxiety is what keeps me back from simply speaking
or making people attentive when I want to say something.
Here is a walk though of an even as such:
I am in need of a bakkie, I need to get a bakkie to go pick up the stuff from the Royal show that is over, I have limited time as the boss wants me back for a meeting, he told me they will wait for me, I have been searching for a car/bakkie to use for almost fifteen minutes, I decide to go to the boss and ask him, my question is short and needs a simple answer for me to go ahead on my task, I locate the boss and go to him, he is busy talking to the manager, I stand right next to them to show that I need their attention, they are talking, they are mostly talking crap, I have something important to ask because my question has purpose. I stand there and I wait, I see they don’t care, they are probably assuming I am simply there to listen to their wise reasoning skills, I don’t want to interFEAR, it is rude, I don’t want to be seen as rude, so I wait a bit more, I wait for the moment they both stop talking, it isn’t happening, time is running out, it is lunch time, I will miss lunch again today. There are people waiting for me at the Show grounds as well, they boss is done talking, I try my luck, I say Boss, I have to go back to the show grounds to pick the rest of the stuff up, what car/bakkie can I use, probably not a new one, he says NO get a second hand one from the back, this will take me another half an hour to do, I say fuck it, that was useless, I go the other manager, he is on the phone as-well, I sit at his desk and wait, this is really getting ridiculous, he is talking to a buddy on the phone, laughing and wasting talk and time, I have something to ask that actually matters, that needs to be done, he keep talking, I wait, I walk up and down and don’t know what to do with myself, he says good bye, I am glad, I ask him if I can use his bakkie, he says wait, where is the bakkie you did use, I say the other guy ran off with it to a client, he says wait till he is back, I think Fuck this, I go and make myself some tea and have biscuits, this is my breakfast I am having at lunch.
The other guy hasn’t shown up yet, It has been twenty
minutes, the other guys are still waiting for me at the show grounds, I have
the car jumpers that they need to start one of the cars, so they can load them
onto a truck and get moving, I am stranded, I also have two guys we hired for
the day to help me out waiting on the side, I say fuck this, I find the
manager, he is on the phone again, I wait again, I am really getting inpatient,
I wait around, he is done talking, I ask him for his bakkie, he asks if the
other guy isn’t back yet, I say no, he says ok, here is the keys, I take them
and move out, I go with the manager to his bakkie, he gets his lunch out, I climb
in and go to the front, I pick up the other two guys as we are ready to go,
someone is calling me, they say the boss is looking for you and the girl t the
reception, the boss wants you to go fetch his lunch, the girl at the reception wants
you to go do Licensing, I say fuck it, I am gone, I am already busy, I drive
off.
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