Day 372 – My Hidden Fear of Starving. Part 1
A couple of days ago I got sick, the sickness lasted for four days and then I was basically back on my feet, I wasn’t hundred percent back to health but I was almost there.
Within these four days of being sick I lost five kilograms, I find it hard to believe as I have no Idea where I lost it from so quick, but I did, this isn’t the first time this has happened to me this way, previously I lost eleven kilograms within 9 days of sickness, and the time before that I lost eight kilograms in a period also four days.
Gaining the weight back takes me at least one month per kilogram, my metabolism is very active.
I am mentioning all of this not because I have a fear of starvation when and as this is happening, me losing weight so quick while sick, No, I am mentioning this because I have seen that this is the outflow/consequences of already having the fear of starvation within me, and this I can see through my actions over time when and a I eat and why I eat and when I eat.
And along with all of that, I see the self-judgment and ideas I have about myself that only accumulates and strengthens the consequences more.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and believe that “because I am skinny in my design that I will and can stave very quickly”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will starve quickly if I do not always have food in my belly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat eight meals a day, not because I am hungry, but because I do so out of the fear that I might lose weight or start to starve my body without me even knowing it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not eat within a certain amount of time, that I am losing body weight and that my muscles are being eaten away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Imagine my food being burned away like it is thrown into a fire and turned into ash when and as I eat. Believing that the food I just ate isn’t enough according to how I have judged my metabolism and how it works within my body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Create the ideas and believes I have about my metabolism as being a monster to my body and me not even gaining proper weight and losing weight very fast due to past experiences where I attempted to gain weight for muscles when I was in school and wanted to look sexy and that it never happened and thus seek to find fault for something I just can’t help and to blame that, seeing and realizing that it was never my metabolism at that age/stage, but simply because of my actual age and state of growth within my body and thus I have created my metabolism the way it is after years of imposing the blame and fault onto my body/metabolism, till the excuse because the actuality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own metabolism and through this fear that I have about my metabolism to eat and eat and to make sure I eat many times so that I do not keep my stomach empty and then my metabolism starts eating away at my body instead of food in my stomach.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this image in my head of my metabolism where I see a monster with just a massive mouth and Big teethe and only a stomach that just grinds down all my food and never allows my body to be fed and have some weight for itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my own metabolism that is part of my body will not know when to stop working fast and only continue and continue without ever stopping and end up starving my body, seeing and realizing that this is the fear that is driving me to eat even when I am not hungry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my metabolism will turn against itself as the body just for the sake of burning energy/food as doing its job all the time as fast as possible.
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