Day 373 – My Hidden Fear of Starving. Part 2

Day 272 – My Hidden Fear of Starving. Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the images and Ideas and Fears I have within my mind about and towards my body and here to a specific part of my body such as the metabolism, that it will have an effect as the thoughts/ideas/images I have will give signals to my body and the certain parts I have it about, and that my body will act and accordingly do things dependent on the signals I am giving it, seeing and realizing that it is best I do not give any signals and just Breathe and give breathe to my body so that my body can do what it does best as it knows best what to do, before it is too late and I might destroy or make a part of my body malfunction. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the signals I am giving my body isn’t just within having the thoughts/ideas/images, but that it is within following them and creating them within living actions, such as for example when and as I eat when I don’t want to, or fill up my plate of food with a shit load of food I will never finish, yet I do so because I was confirming the fear, validating the idea.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am participating within any of the Ideas/Beliefs/images that I have created towards my metabolism, to stop and to breathe and to realize that this is me as the mind seeking a way to blame and to have an excuse for why I am not gaining weight, or why I am skinny and lose weight quickly.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am seeking to eat food from the starting point of fear, where my fear is for example that of me not getting enough food in for my metabolism to burn out of the fear that my metabolism will start eating my muscles and make me starve, to stop and to breathe and to realize that it is all literally just in my head and that if I follow up on that fear, then I will validate the fear and through the believe actually make my metabolism do what I fear it will do. 

I commit myself to when and as I am hungry to only take the food I know I will eat, and to stop the Image Idea/projection in my head that is from/of fear that is showing me as a thought how much food I think I must take, and to simply breathe and take what I can see with my real eyes that is required.

I commit myself to stop over loading my plate full of food, as I see and realize that doing this and acting/behaving in such a way is only strengthening the fear of starvation and thus the Ideas and beliefs as well.

I commit myself to make peace with my body and to from here on support and assist my body within only physical activities that is required within each moment and to not force my body into anything more that is of the mind.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am within the fear of starvation, to stop and to breathe and to look at what is the Idea/believe behind the fear within that moment that I am entertaining that is also making my body experience what it is experiencing such as starvation, seeing and realizing that I have no Idea what starvation is, as I have more than 5 meals a day and always have food at my disposal, yet I am experiencing such a fear, showing me the truth between reality and the mind, what is real and what is not, as real starvation takes days before one can say one is starving in fact. 

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am eating out of the fear of not gaining weight and only losing weight as well as starvation, to stop and to breathe and to realize that I am now telling my body I am eating only because I am starving and losing weight and not gaining weight, and thus my body will do just that, eat the food and still feel hungry and never gain weight and sustain it, as I see and realize after years of doing this I have trained my body to have this weird reasoning that it must follow.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am blaming and abusing my metabolism within my head within my secret thoughts to stop and to breathe and to realize my metabolism is just fine and that I am the only one messing up it functionality through giving it all these mixed signals as my Ideas/opinions/believes just to blame and diver attention all because of experiences from a long time ago in my developing years when my body just could not gain muscles yet that looked good, and now I have carried out over with me for many more years just because I felt insecure and not confident back then and wanted to blame something for it. Instead of taking self-responsibility for myself and not placing security and confidence in looks, but instead within who I am as a living physical being, as Life one and equal.

Day 372 – My Hidden Fear of Starving. Part 1

A couple of days ago I got sick, the sickness lasted for four days and then I was basically back on my feet, I wasn’t hundred percent back to health but I was almost there.

Within these four days of being sick I lost five kilograms, I find it hard to believe as I have no Idea where I lost it from so quick, but I did, this isn’t the first time this has happened to me this way, previously I lost eleven kilograms within 9 days of sickness, and the time before that I lost eight kilograms in a period also four days.  

Gaining the weight back takes me at least one month per kilogram, my metabolism is very active.

I am mentioning all of this not because I have a fear of starvation when and as this is happening, me losing weight so quick while sick, No, I am mentioning this because I have seen that this is the outflow/consequences of already having the fear of starvation within me, and this I can see through my actions over time when and a I eat and why I eat and when I eat.

And along with all of that, I see the self-judgment and ideas I have about myself that only accumulates and strengthens the consequences more. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and believe that “because I am skinny in my design that I will and can stave very quickly”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will starve quickly if I do not always have food in my belly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat eight meals a day, not because I am hungry, but because I do so out of the fear that I might lose weight or start to starve my body without me even knowing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not eat within a certain amount of time, that I am losing body weight and that my muscles are being eaten away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Imagine my food being burned away like it is thrown into a fire and turned into ash when and as I eat. Believing that the food I just ate isn’t enough according to how I have judged my metabolism and how it works within my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Create the ideas and believes I have about my metabolism as being a monster to my body and me not even gaining proper weight and losing weight very fast due to past experiences where I attempted to gain weight for muscles when I was in school and wanted to look sexy and that it never happened and thus seek to find fault for something I just can’t help and to blame that, seeing and realizing that it was never my metabolism at that age/stage, but simply because of my actual age and state of growth within my body and thus I have created my metabolism the way it is after years of imposing the blame and fault onto my body/metabolism, till the excuse because the actuality. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own metabolism and through this fear that I have about my metabolism to eat and eat and to make sure I eat many times so that I do not keep my stomach empty and then my metabolism starts eating away at my body instead of food in my stomach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this image in my head of my metabolism where I see a monster with just a massive mouth and Big teethe and only a stomach that just grinds down all my food and never allows my body to be fed and have some weight for itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my own metabolism that is part of my body will not know when to stop working fast and only continue and continue without ever stopping and end up starving my body, seeing and realizing that this is the fear that is driving me to eat even when I am not hungry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my metabolism will turn against itself as the body just for the sake of burning energy/food as doing its job all the time as fast as possible.