Day 352 – Mirage of self, Part 4

As a Kid, I was taught how to behave when I am in certain people’s presence, I was taught and shown how to behave when I am for instance with family members, or with other people such as strangers, and I was taught how to behave specifically with certain people within the family, like with my grandparents I had very specific manners and words I had to use and not use.

So I can see that I have been raised from childhood to give forth a image and that giving forth an image is more important than being yourself and enjoying yourself.

I was taught to not run and to play and to do things when and as I am with other people I do not know, I was taught to use good words/language and not to say the naughty words and to only be kind and polite, to not be honest and straight forward, because I might hurt the other peoples feeling or that I might disrespect them.

I was taught that I am not allowed to wear clothes that I am comfortable in but rather that I must wear clothes that are acceptable and nice looking for others.

Here I am looking at what I was taught within my first seven years, as I can recall some memories of events that occurred where this was imprinted as an experience, yet the actual teaching of it all happened in subtle moments, it happened within direct actions of the parents, where there was no choice, because the cloths was bought or me, I never decided on it, so within that very action I was already dressed as only being an Image and an Likeness, someone that must be presented as an Image and be liked as an image.

This is how I have been raised, yet there was those moments when I had cloths that I enjoyed and that was comfortable and that I could play within and be “Me” so to say, yet I have a memory of when such a moment was taken away from me because the cloths I was wearing that I enjoyed and that was comfortable was to Old and ugly and it was looking dirty and it was ripped on certain spots, so it wasn’t presenting a Image that is liked by others.

I see within my growing up, my first seven years that it was all about OTHER people, and that everything I do must be for other people, how I look must be for other people, how I speak and what I speak must be for other people, not within consideration of other people, that is a different story, it was to NOT speak as myself as being direct and honest and open, it was to HIE all the real stuff and keep it locked in and just look a certain way and present myself a certain way.

So why did I have to look a certain way and present myself a certain way when I was but only a young kid, because the parents believed that the kid looking good and presenting themselves good means they are good parents. Lol.

It was never even done for ME, it was and has always been for self-interest, the starting point was always for the self-interest of the parents themselves and their image and likeness, and now it is forced onto me as an image and likeness, and this is how I have learned to become a mirage, a presentation, instead of actually developing myself as a actual living being, where it isn’t necessary to hide fear, but to instead literally have no fear.
To be Continued.