Day 353 – Less Play more Time, then where is my time.

I have stopped Playing games for a long time now, at least a year, I have stopped listening to Music as I used to, like always having it in my ears compared to now listening to music when I hear it from somewhere else maybe, I have stopped watching consistent series/movies as I used to like every day, compared to now once a day, one episode here or a movie once a week.

I stopped all these distraction as I saw I used them as distractions to hide or to avoid or for any reason really. So that I can get myself back here and get down to business/work the real stuff happening.

YET, I am encountering a very strange thing, I have stopped ALL these things that I used to spend HOURES on and even days to have all those hours and all those Days free for myself to apply myself in alignment with what is here and what needs to be done. Yet I haven’t reached a single thing that I wanted to do instead of doing all those distractions.

Sure I am working 11 hours a day, sure that is a lot of time, sure I do not have all the time left I used to have, but according to the evidence, I still spend more time playing games for instance, listening to music, or watching 5 episodes of a series in a row.

So what has been happening in that TIME that I used to use and that is now literally open for discussion to what can and could have and should happen in that time. – well Nothing.

I surely haven’t been taking naps, I haven’t been laying around on the couches, I haven’t been just sitting in a chair for hours, or cooking every night, NO I haven’t been doing that much every night after work, I basically do my basics such as eat, shower, go on a chat if I have one, check my email, check the news, go out of the room every hour or so, then write a blog just before eleven and post it.

What I would like to add to that list is – I transcribed some Desteni material, I made a Youtube Video, I red some posts and document on Desteni forums or Equal Life Foundation or Equal Money System websites, I would like to add to that List that I have done some other form of writing besides my own blog.

Those are the exact reasons why I stopped all the other distractions (that was distraction for me), yet I still haven’t gotten to them.

It is quite simple really, once I look at all the evidence of myself, the extra time I created for myself and that I do have, is wasted within Back chat, thinking, imagination, all those moments of 5min here and three minutes there and 10 minutes over here quickly, thinking or back chatting, counts up to an hour or even two hours.

BAM there all my time is lost, gone and wasted forever. I missed all the windows of opportunities; I fucked myself back into yesterday so to say.

The back chat I face the most is back chat that leads to – Should I, or Should I not, Can I or can I not, am I allowed to or am I not allowed to.

This is what it leads to, like I am waiting for someone higher to tell me what I can and can not do, if I am able to do it or not, should I do it or not, it is a back and forth tennis game, and the interesting part is, I always decide NO, or I force myself into the point of not being able to. to not to be able to do it though the time spend in back chat.

So I decide No and someone else must decide Yes for me, yet I am the only one in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use the time I have effectively within deciding yes or no and to then do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for the right circumstances before I will decide yes to do something such as reading or making a video.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to occupy myself within back chat of “should I or should I not” and to always force my time to not being able to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not take myself there and to Do it in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to force myself to do things, instead of doing the things that is “natural”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I want to read or to make a video that I will have to force myself, seeing and realizing that I am not breathing effectively within relaxing and self-intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the points and to Know how to solve the points and what I can do and should do and to never do it, and to not live it, and to constantly create this exact points over and over and end up with self-hatred.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not breathing through the points and walking them as myself and to see where the road not taken leads.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own suffering within myself and within my own time loops and to then pity myself on them, instead of standing up and walking and breathing and stopping the bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create self-disappointment within myself through knowingly not walking the points that I see I accept and allow within my daily application, and to then make my time loop a point of self-pity, where I make myself believe that I am suffering because of this time loop and thus I am stuck and cannot get out, seeing and realizing that I use the self-pity as a way of manipulating myself and others to justify why I am not standing up and not walking the physical points of self-application effectively to change who I am and to what I do to bring about a world that is best for all.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am within and as the Believe that I am suffering, that I am having such a hard life, to stop and to breathe, to within my realization that it is self-pity I am participating within, as a way of manipulating myself and others, to not to have to do more, or move myself.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am participating within self-pity, to stop and to breathe and to see that I am participating within accumulated back chat of self believe, and thus it isn’t real, and that I must breathe and make a decision on my next move and do it, and to not play games of sorrow and self-pity with myself to manipulate myself to only then make a decision once I have confuse the shit out of myself to have a justification to why I did not move or direct myself effectively within what is best for all lie, or to bring about a world that is best for all life.