Reacting - Revenge of the Ego - Day 283

How do I react, when I react I become possessed with energy, I lose all focus, my eyes literally starts to shake, I lose my words, I can’t think at all, I shake and my heart beats fast, I sometime (depends on the situation) become weak in my body, like there is no power in my body, I lose myself and I am taken over by energy.

This is me going into fight or flight mode, when and as I react, I feel/believe that what is happening is personal and attacking me and unfair, thus the fight or flight mode kicks in, I tend to go into fighting with words, but my words are lost, I am simply speaking my back chat, I am spreading energy and not making any common sense.

When and as I feel that I am loosing within the argument or the situation and I am reacting I make my voice louder, I start to scream even and I shake more and more, I fear what I might do, this fear then shuts my body down from being able to do anything, I am numb, I fear losing the “battle”, I must try and do something, the weakness in my body makes me feel even worse, sometimes I will even go into physical tendencies such as hitting a door or a pole to release/direct the energy within me to getout, to get rid of the possession but it only strengthens it. It is only making me angry; I am angry at myself for how I am handling the situation, this could have been avoided if only I did not take it personal and if I was breathing.

I feel it is to late, I now have to either completely give up what’s happening and lose or go all the way within the reaction just to feel I am not losing, I usually give up and I loose, because i can see where this might go, I fear where the reaction might go, I lose physical eye sight sometimes for a moment, I have no real recollection of what is happening or happened during the reaction afterwards, I feel ashamed and diminished, i feel that I have sold myself out.

The back chat after the reaction is clear, the thoughts and thinking running through my head, they show me what was the initial points that I was having back chat about before the reaction, and the thoughts and the justifications and the comparisons etc that builds up the inner conversations, then when and as the moment comes that I am faced with myself and I react, I re enact what I previously did in my mind into physical reality, which never works out and the energy takes over.

This is where I see how I create the reaction, and I see a practical way to “prevent” these situations and to not fall in the trap of energy.

I see that the reaction is taken personal, the reaction is existent because “personal” exist, so I look at what it is personally that I have Identified myself as, as living words that I have within me, that is of fear/separation, because it is those words that I have identified myself as that when I experience them I react. It is usually my Weaknesses.

I have Identified four words – Stupid, Pathetic, Lazy, excuses – these words are the words that I experience and React to, as I have created a fear towards these words that someone might Identify me as those words, only to discover that I have Identified myself as those words, and no matter how much work I do or how intelligent I become or how awesome I become or how I improve on those points, I am those words in my head – showing me that all the effort I do to get away from those words is in the starting point of fear, and when someone does something in my reality that might just make me seem/feel stupid/lazy/pathetic/ or full of excuses I react BIG time as the ego as the fear will try and defend and protect. Even if the other persons intention wasn’t that at all.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when someone asks me to do something that seem unfair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within back chat and thoughts as comparisons of what I do and what I can do to others and to within this react when and as I see others aren’t doing or being willing to do what I do or can do and to then within my mind have secret conversations with myself where I make it all seem justifiable and self righteous .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to unfairness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create unfairness through comparing myself to others and what others do to myself and what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be a fair person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I am the only fair person on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as fairness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize how I am setting up myself and reality for me to react through defining myself as fairness where everyone else will seem unfair to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in what I do as oppose to what others do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and if they are moving as much sand as I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and if they can do as much digging as I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself more in my own eyes because I can do more digging than others and to then hold it against others as if I am doing more and thus they are stupid and weak and un able to do real stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do all the hard work from the starting point of now everyone else owns me something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dig and work as much as I can to make everyone else seem useless and weak so that I can always feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work hard within the intention of making everyone else seem like they are doing nothing within my eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do the things I do as physical work or work in front of the PC with the evil intent of seeing if anyone else is also doing it because I am and can do it so they must and therefore if they can’t do it as well they are lazy and weak and pathetic and lying and just plain full of excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as pathetic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as just full of excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as someone is saying something to me that makes me experience myself as pathetic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as someone says or do something towards me that make me experiences myself as pathetic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as someone says or do something towards me that make me experience myself as lazy, or as if I was being lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when and as someone says something to me that makes me experience myself as being full of excuses, or as if I haven’t been doing my best already.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I judge others as being lazy that I am just projecting my own fear of being seen as lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I judge others as being full of excuses that it is only me projecting my own fear of being seen as being full of excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I judge others as being pathetic that it is only me projecting my own fear as being seen judged as being pathetic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I judge others as being lazy that it is only my own fear as being seen as being lazy by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I judge someone else as being stupid that it is only my own fear of being seen judged as stupid that I project onto them, to make myself feel better.
To Be Continued.