I have this interesting pattern that I have accepted and allowed to exist within my world, and interestingly enough I have made this pattern justifiable, as if it makes common sense, yet it does not.The pattern is that when ever I experience fear or anxiety within me I tell myself, OK I am experiencing fear and thus I must not do this/that.
This came from previous past experiences where I would for instance have to do new things, like performing in a concert, as I perform in the concert I experience fear/anxiety, and so I feel that I fucked up, yes I dd make mistakes but I did not really fuck up as I made it sound in my head.
So I have connect this Idea/opinion/belief that when ever I experience fear towards something/doing something I must not/I can not take part because I have fear and the fear will only compromise and create fuck ups and me making mistakes, thus I can not be trusted because there is fear.
So Now in my reality I have created this character as an illusion that when I see something needs to be said/done and I experience fear/anxiety I say to myself, ok I cant do anything I am in fear/anxiety and then I just sit there and wait till someone else do something because I am fearful/anxious and so if I had to help I would probably make it worse, I would only fuck things up.
And now today a situation came up where one of the dogs was experiencing some pain and weird behavior, I saw this happening and I just sat there, I did not move, I saw other people trying to help and do stuff But I could see even they needed help and support. And I just sat there.
I looked at the dog in pain and I saw within myself what I must do, but I experienced fear/anxiety – I had a thought coming up where I saw myself helping the dog and then only making it worse, either making the dog angry and I get bitten or I actually hurt the dog by accident trying to help – then the little character’s voice came in play in my mind talking and saying things, You are fearful, I am fearful and all my fears might come true if I help, it is best if I do not help because I have fear and my fear can come true.
Then I realized this point I am writing about now, I stood up and I fucking moved myself, I was experiencing fear and anxiety still, but I did not allow it to direct me, I stood up in the fear and I walked through the fear through practically applying myself.
The character that played out was pretty clear, the character used the point of not having knowledge and information on how to help a dog in the moment of need to submit me into - fear of helping, this is how this character plays its roles in all scenarios, using my own weakness against me to keep me weak, to not change, as I know myself and that I do not have a lot of knowledge and information on stuff in this world and as I accept and allow it as a weakness the character will continue to use it to get me to stay the same.
The Character is obviously me and I created the character for myself to protect my own self interest, staying save and not being the responsible one, not being the one fucking up, not being the one to blame, not being the one that made things worse, so I basically deliberately kept myself stupid all my life with all the opportunities in my world to read a book, to learn and to get informed, just so that I can always say, I did not know what to do so I did nothing.
and behind that there is a secret agenda, this is simply to protect self and self's own interests, and so we are all doing this daily and nothing is changing and just getting worse, because we fear making things worse that will have an influence on our own self interest - thus it is to realize we must move and direct ourselves to do what will benefit all self interest at the same time - and everyone's basic self interest is basic living needs, it is really simple so do not fear to take that step that will make you face fear, that will make you not wanting to do anything and just move and breathe. this is the equal money system as best for all life all self interest at the same time.
YET I am smart enough to see the problem and thus I am already equally responsible as everyone else on earth, because everyone can see the problems on earth, we all decide to not take responsibility for the points through educating ourselfs on all points so we can change it, but to choose to remain ignorant so that we can experience fear and use that as why we did not do anything.
I am now faced with this character as me, as what I have created and accepted and allowed and I know it exist and why and how so I am not innocent and so no one else is innocent because as me everyone knows what they are doing.
The problems are in our faces, just like with the dog situation, the dog was right in-front of me in pain and I sat and did nothing just because I experienced fear, and when I investigated the fear I realized I created it myself for a purpose – to not have to take responsibility because that will mean I admit I am responsible.
And I am responsible "even If I do not want to admit it", I am always responsible. And so are we ALL.
thus keeping ourselves in fear and paralyzed isn't going to help anyone or anything, it only makes it worse.
To Be Continued..
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