At first, when I read this word there was no attraction towards the word to work with it, to explore the word. I looked at it and I saw nothing. This is where my Desteni tools kicked in, I slowed down and breathed and looked at the word instead of just scrolling past it with my eyes looking for the next word, a word that I would have a “feelings” towards to work with.
As I paused and looked at the word and kept saying it to myself, DIS – CON – NECT – ED, still nothing came up. I placed a red flag, as I noticed that nothing was “coming up” I still sensed this kind of white barrier within me, I say white because that’s what comes to mind like there is something hidden, yet not hidden, and this word is behind that white barrier.
When I look at this barrier that comes up within me, I see that this IS the point of disconnected, as there should be NO barriers within me, as that is a disconnection within me from me. I am finding this quit “exciting” now as I am exploring this word, but not through the definition of the word or the sounding of the word as usual, but I am finding that I am actually finding the manifestation and living of this word within me, which has no feeling, no reference, as that is the implication of this word – Disconnected.
As I have disconnected me from something, then it is obvious that there is no connection to have a feeling, or emotion, or memory, or thought, or reference, or anything to come up within me to say YES!! This is the word I must work with, as there is something, the point of this word is that there should be nothing yet something, the nothing is that there is no connection, yet there not being a connection as a “problem” makes it something and not nothing.
So what am I disconnecting myself from? Wow, this is quite interesting, I have a slight resistance coming up now with a hint of anxiety arising as if I am surprising myself, yet at the same time I kind of already at a quantum time processed what it is, which is that I have disconnected me from ME. This ME is a part of who I am yet I disconnected myself from that part, I discarded it as not relevant within this world, and thus not relevant to me.
I will now go to the dictionary to find the definition of this word too.
DISCONNECTED:
having had a connection broken.
having had a connection broken.
"he expected the disconnected phone to start ringing"
· (of a person) lacking contact with reality.
"I drove away, feeling disconnected from the real world"
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synonyms:
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detached, separate, separated, divorced, cut off, isolated, dissociated, disengaged, removed, unconnected, unattached;
apart
"I drove away feeling disconnected from the real world"
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· (of speech, writing, or thought) lacking a logical sequence.
"a disconnected narrative"
When I look at the word Disconnected, I see IS Connected with a D in front of it – The D is like this white wall I described within me, the D is standing as a Denial, a denial that I am connected, IS connected. What am I standing within denial of within my reality, within REALITY as all that is here? That I am not connected/disconnected.
I am going to go back to self and see with my own eyes why I am living I denial of the fact that I am connected to all that is here, not in a spiritual way, but in a literal scientific way, not just in matter but in fact in actual current day to day events, happening and all that is actually going on, that I am in fact connected to it all, especially in my direct reality, I can see how within my direct reality I have points of abdicating involvement or playing a part In certain things that takes place, or how things move or are going and so I within myself disconnect myself from certain points moving to stand outside of it as an observer. I do this as I FEAR speaking or acting on certain points that are being moved and then having a hand within it, I fear this because I fear that if things within certain events and situations do not work out, that I will be connected to why and how things possible move. This is a position I take the belief that if I do not see the monsters then they will not harm me, a childhood belief.
Within the other part of the definition of the word disconnected it mentions is “lacking a logical sequence” – wow, I never knew the definition can be that specific in defining disconnected to attach this definition somehow to be relevant to logic, and then sequence, which is WORDS and making sense of reality.
This is something I have been struggling a lot within my reality, as my previous blog on articulate made it clear, and probably dozens of other blogs since 2012.
This makes the moments where I disconnect myself from reality/events/situations/circumstances and MYSELF much clearer – as I have never been able to place what I SEE or what I want to DO into a logical sequence to be able to ACTUALLY participate in a way that expresses me in my totality and to have the effect that I wanted, that was within me, that which I saw in fact, and so I within this simply disconnected myself and to rather have NO play. But what I am not seeing and realizing is that I am always a player, even if I am simply standing on the side and watching, listening and seeing, my very act of just standing there not saying a word, not moving a muscle is playing a role that affects the whole play ANYWAY.
Ok – time to slow down, as I have been writing out the phase of exploration above, I started developing this unrest within me in relation to this word – DISCONNECTED – a small feeling of sadness, a memory of childhood, a moment of breaking something within me, giving up, distancing myself from ME, a part of me, a part that I have seen useless, a part of me that I dug a hole for and put it in there and closed it up. I feel that this part of me was something that annoyed and burdened others and thus with this part I was ignored and shunned from reality, unless I killed this part of me, and I developed a HATE towards myself for being this way, having this trait, this expression that didn’t seem to fit in, this soft and kind part of myself, this caring and loving child.
Looking inside of self I see many memories popping up, many moments where I slowly started disconnecting myself, where I slowly started placing this white wall of an illusion within me, the illusion is that I believe I can disconnect myself, and I have been living within this illusion through living out the opposite of what I disconnected myself from within myself, outside of myself.
The memories/moments all took place at the age of 6 and 13. ALL these memories are specifically in relation to animals/nature – I want to jump to the statement of ‘ I have stopped caring for nature and animals as a true expression s society didn’t care and every time I cared no one cared and found me annoying and a burden when I requested action” but I will not jump to this conclusion of the memories – the memories were all with animals and very specific, but these events could have been in relation to anything else and still had the same effect, the effect where I stopped actually caring, where I stopped actually showing affection towards anything.
I have disconnected myself from the decision I have made where I chose the matrix over life and where I have abandoned life within me and so within this world, where I gave over my expression to that of a personality with multiple characters to survive, to fit in, to be cool, to get a girlfriend, to not be bullied, to not be seen as weird, to not be seen as the person that is different. I have killed my care through making that decision that is more important for me to survive and to let the animals/nature/life suffer and have no one be the voice for them, as I gave my voice away to a system instead, in my head.
Now, I see and realize that the past is the past, I cannot go back and regain the experience and expression I was as a child, as it is coming from a memory, and memories cannot be trusted. So, I see and realize I must WILLINGLY create myself to actually CARE, to DARE myself to be all that which I was afraid of and LIVE it, express it, to end self-interest and fear, as I see and realize that it is more valuable to have lived for real than to fake for survival, to stand for all than to just stand for myself, and to be different, weird, strange, and annoy and burden people with care is much better than to coward away in awareness of what is going on. Now, I am not saying preaching, I am not saying going into irrational actions of the mind as projections of images of what this must be like, I am stating and committing myself to start with myself daily, to implement this expression as me as my environment and from there I expand naturally, creating this real time, to realize my in fact connection, remove the illusion of disconnectedness and so all the fears.
A voice for and as LIFE, as I am connected in fact, not even connected, I am simply all here as one, now to bring inequality is the point I commit myself to stand as within all forms and shapes and all matters that actually matter.
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