I was very excited to get my present, we were all around the tree in the lounge. My mother wanted us to wait till nighttime came, but we could not, we kept on asking and asking to open our presents, she eventually gave in and said okay, so we all gathered closer and we took our presents one by one to open.
I got my first present and it wasn't something that awesome, then the next person and so on, then it was my urn again, it was the present from my mother, I was already FULL of expectations. With the deep desire and craving fro that toy I wanted, I took off the paper from the present, it wasn't what I wanted.
I wanted a spider-man toy that could move his arms and legs and all the cool stuff that makes it more real when I play with it, and it cost like fifty rand, my mother got me a Spider-man toy. This was a Spider-man sitting in a car, cant take him our or anything, and you can put the spider man in the car into this launcher and then push a button and it shoots the car out to drive a few meters, this present cost about three hundred rands.
I felt like crying, but I could not, I saw the Joy and happiness on my mothers smile from giving her children presents, and I could not express myself in that moment as being extremely angry, I held it all in and I created a massive resentment towards my mother, all in that instant moment.
I kept on smiling and pretending to enjoy the toy, taking it and putting it in and letting it be launched. The more I did this the more I got angry and angry, I started behaving in a spiteful manner, I hated myself for hating the toy and my mother, I started blaming the toy.
After everyone got their toys I tried switching toys with my smaller brother, selling it to him why he would like it, I don't remember what he got but it was better then mine in that moment.
He did not want it, but I let him play with it, secretly trying to make him like it, so that I can switch toys in the end, it never happened because he got board of it as-well very quickly.
Once I was alone with myself and the toy I wanted to break the FUCKING toy, I wanted to cry with outrage, I did not, I instead Kicked the fucking toy, it isnt what i wanted, and No one fucking listened to me when I showed them what I wanted, but my mother was so happy, I could not sadden her, I also feared making my mother feel like she is a bad mother and that she wasted her money on the toy, she did waist money as I Never after that day touched it again.
Even now as I write this, I experience shame and sadness for who I was and still am, and towards my mother. She meant well and there I was being evil inside of myself, creating this world and feelings/emotions towards here in secret.
I remember I could not stand who i was in that moment, yet I was that in that moment, that evil, that secret world of pure hate/resentment/spitefulness. And it all
Self Forgiveness next.
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