Day 314 – Christmas at eleven Part 2

Day 313 - Christmas at eleven Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was clear with my mother what I wanted for Christmas, seeing and realizing that it was an assumption as there was no Yes or No on if she was clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume I am clear on a point without even having a confirmation on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume instead of making 1000% sure that it is so in fact or not through asking directly to get a direct confirmation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get excited from the perspective or assuming that I was getting what I wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get excited from assumptions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that being excited from an assumption is a recipe for disaster and the creation of the opposite of excitement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume the position of excitement within the interpretation of believing that my mother knew what I wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I might have shown my mother what I wanted but that to her it could have been interpreted as many other things in the same section that I wanted and not just that specific thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a toy from the mind as an Idea that I have created about the toy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the toy that I wanted more within my mind then what it is in reality, making/creating a desire for the toy as a energy experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a energy experience to the toy I wanted, instead of breathing and seeing and realizing that the toy isn’t a energy experience about a practical thing I can play with physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire a toy according to how I have already played with it in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to watch Spider man on TV and then to go to the mall and look at the Spider-man toy and while watching the toy I play scenes out from the story on TV and thus making it way awesome then what it will be in reality where I run with the toy spinning him through the air and he can’t really do much more then what I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to life in an alternate reality as the Mind and to create myself and what I like and Dislike within my mind within this alternate reality and to then when and as reality hits me and it isn’t what I like, to then feel like crying and like breaking things and becoming a destroyer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel betrayed by reality when I got the wrong present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I betrayed myself through participating in a alternative reality as my imagination with the toy I desired without even really knowing for sure if I was getting it an then when i got the toy to be all outraged and full of sadness and anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for not knowing what I wanted for sure and getting it for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Feel like my Mother was a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I wasn’t allowed to express myself when it wasn’t the toy I wanted because the toy cost more than the original one I wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect Money on that day to how good a present must be, that what I wanted did not matter in terms of what Money tells me about a toy, the cheaper the worse, the more expensive the batter, even if the more expensive one is a really STUPID toy and can go burn in hell for all I care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the more money my mother spend on me the more it meant she cared for me, and thus I wasn’t allowed to express my sadness otherwise I would have proved her wrong and make her feel bad for spending more money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Connect how much a present costs as how much value the present must have in happiness and to over write the actual want for the toy which was practical in terms of me having to play with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress how I feel just because I fear bursting someone else’s bubble of happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as i got angry/outraged/sad to suppress it all within me as I did not know what was happening to me, what I was experiencing and to then go in secret and express it as being abusive, such as kicking and throwing the toy that I did not want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not sit down with my mother and express to her what I was experiencing so that it could be explained to me and so that I could understand, and so that the miss communication between us could have been resolved and it could have been made clear that It wasn’t the money value of toys that I wanted but the actual purpose of the toys that mattered to me.

To be continued.