continuation of Day 242 - The Death of my Horse Titan Part 1
and – Day 243 and 244 – The Death of my horse Titan Part 2 The Journey to Life
and – Day 245 – The Death of My Horse Part 3 the Journey to Life
Leila wrote a cool blog on the events of the day here that Titan was put down – Day 146: Death of a Horse (Titan)
and continuation on her point here - Day 147 and 148 - Aftermath Death of a Horse
Also to see the process of horses here with us and their process stuff in general, check out the interviews from Eqafe, really cool.
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 1
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 2
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse - Part 3
With Titan in the first few months I have seen allot about myself and it really burst my bubble of what I thought about myself as EGO and the alternate Me in my mind that I have had all the years before.
I always had this Idea/belief that I am strong and independent and that I was stable and confident and all the good stuff anyone would like to be – and I have within many years of my life played out these movies inside my mind where I am this character that has all those qualities.
Within my mind as a teenager I always had the thoughts about myself that there is a hidden me inside of me, and that this hidden me will and can only come out in situations that requires a different me, almost like superheroes that we always see on TV and in the movies.
So within the events/situations that came up with Titan it was shown to me that what was in my mind was in fact not real – because every time Titan had something or something was happening or something had to happen I would first have a thought, this was me seeing myself NOT being able to deal with it, then I had a reaction towards this thoughts that was Emotional based, like I had no power to deal with it, I am useless.
Since this was all still happening within the six months that I was in a mind fuck that I accepted and allowed and thus I was experiencing myself all the time which was like a walking dead man which is a great depression, everything else that happened with Titan escalated this process of facing myself and it accumulated everything, and at the same time It gave me a lot of “shocks” – these shock brought me out of the depression slightly and I was able to move, because the movement that was required had no choice involved. I had to move I had to act, I had to make decisions.
Obviously this inst the preferred way to move from such a point of depression, because it showed me that the only way I was going to take responsibility for myself was through trauma and shock and though other events taking place within my world which then was at the expense of other life forms such as Titan being the one going through all the physical experiences just so that I can wake up, it is abusive in its nature.
It also showed me to what extent the mind has been given power by myself over myself as all the thoughts/feelings/emotions, because here I was a healthy teenager with a physical body that is capable of many things within movement and applying myself and here I was laying in depression as if I am dying, when in fact my body was completely good/fine. It was only the mind fuck that made the experience real and thus gave it all power.
Now with Titan and his situation with the other horses and the stables and the dentist all happening quite quick more stuff came along, Titan had an eye problem, I had to keep his one eye clean all the time as there was constant goo stuff coming out, and then after a while this goo stuff became a bit more and then I saw a thing inside his eye – Cerise got the vet out and the vet did whatever the vet does.
It was later confirmed that the stuff in Titans eye was Cancer – the vet said that it can be removed since it wasn't going anywhere and that which we could see should be all of it, so here came the next point.
After being with Titan fro weeks Me and him have created a relationship by now, it wasn’t easy but we could be together in the stable, he was jumpy and resistant to working with me, Titan in that time has also shown me a few other sides of him, If I dare say that the side I saw while being with him in the stables was not expected since I have already created this Idea in my mind about him and how he is, which limited me and how I expressed myself towards him, I was always in defense and control mode and so was he, but those moments that I let go of my guard he also did, and then I would see Titan – a gentle calm intimate horse – this became the Titan I lived with for the next years to come.
So hearing about the cancer I knew that there was going to have to be some sort or operation, I was emotionally not ready for it, I actually did not want to be there and watch, because the vet Literally was going to sedate Titan right there in the stables and then started cutting the cancer out of his eye, I found it unusual as I expected a hospital.
But I had to be there, again there was no Choice, my internal experience of what I felt like doing and wanted to do was completely shoved away and immediately shown to be of no substance to the matter at hand, because I had to keep Titan standing up and not falling around while the Vet is Cutting with a extremely sharp surgical knife in his eye while Titan is sedated.
The sedation that titan got for the surgery was twice as much as what he got for the Dentist, thus Titan was almost a dead weight standing up.
After the vet gave Titan the sedation he told me to wait a minute and see what happens to Titan, then we saw that Titan was going down with his head and his knees were wobbly, the Vet then said just hold Titan here so that he stays up, I stood next to the vet and also hold up Titans head a bit for the vet, then Titan starter falling to the side, he almost squished me and the vet into the wall, I pushed Titan away, the vet the said.. You must go and support Titan there.
I placed my arms around his front body just underneath his neck, with my legs standing firm, I thought this isnt to bad, then Titan started relaxing more, his weight came onto me and he was getting heavy, the Vet then said He actually needs me to keep Titan’s head up, so I took a different stand and two other Girls came in and started helping with keeping Titan up.
The vet said, Titans head must not move, and I saw Blood falling down from Titans face, the cutting has started, my arms are now holding Titans face and the girls are holding his body more firm, Titan the suddenly lifted his head up pulling me with and he actually threw me into the wall behind me, Titan was still sedated, I was shocked and realize how much strength a horse actually have, I had a new fear, as I reacted and created thoughts about the event.
As we stood for a while I kept on holding onto this Mind Idea/belief I have of myself as the alternate me to motivate me to not Fail and to be strong and to push through, But half way through I started having emotions within my body – the thoughts that came was “I CANT DO THIS ANY MORE” my body was tired and in pain, Titan was getting heavier and I was sweating all over and sweat even got into my eyes, Now that burns like hell.
The Vet said he is almost done, there is only a bit more he has to cut out, the two girls are also Tired, I just want to let go of titans head, but I know I can’t, my arms and my legs are Burning and shaking.
So while I was doing this physical activity of supporting Titans Body while he is operated on, I also had ALL these internal shit going on, all the thoughts and the characters and the emotions and feelings and then all the new experiences I created through all the new events and it is all like weakening my body, placing pressure on my body and it made me in the end want to give up, because instead of focusing on just the one actual dimension that is here as the physical with all the physical energy, I went and took more physical energy from my body and I turned it into Mind energy and just started burning it, which weakens the body.
I eventually pushed through and was able to keep Titans head still and let the vet finish his Job, by the time I heard the vet saying, I am done, I was able to just keep on holding on to Titan, I did not experience any tiredness, it was interesting, at the end of that I was quiet within myself and there was this breathing something new to me, a physical breathing - it was slow and deep and focused, In and Out, I felt it moving as my body and it was all that I was focused on, it was the only way I could do it, the physical forced me to that one point that is real.
To be Continued.
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