Day 608 - Stubbornness

Stubbornness

I have been a very stubborn person throughout my life, right up in people’s faces I would be stubborn, someone would offer me their help and I would say NO, I can do this by myself, or I would be struggling with something for weeks, even months, and I will NOT ask for help, because I must face this alone, I must get this all by myself.

Since I started walking my Desteni process, the tools and the material in all the blogs and vlogs and interviews has been challenging a whole different level of stubbornness within me.

I NEVER enjoyed anyone giving me the answer that is RIGHT, I would rather hold onto my own answer with my own added values that I see is the “right” way, even when I know it is just an opinion or a believe or idea – even when the answer given to me as the “right” answer has already been lived by someone and has already been proven by someone and can be explained to me in detail, whereas I with my answer cannot, I will hold onto my answer, being stubborn, unwilling to give up MY way as my Ego, going where my energy is, and not letting GO of it and taking on humility and seeing the new information as it is and to actually apply myself. NO, I would rather struggle for weeks and months and then learn it by myself, maybe. Or I would rather be stuck in MY WAY forever than rather giving it up and letting the ego GO.

This has changed a lot during my time walking with Desteni, and I have seen almost immediate improvements in my life, first of all, I learned that I am alone yet together alone with other people. Secondly if someone else gives me an answer that is “right” compared to mine, It doesn’t mean they see me as less, in fact it means they see me as more and that’s why the answer or new information is provided, because the other person wishes for me to be my utmost potential and for me to stop struggling within myself, yet with stubbornness that struggle can be very real and LONG.

Thirdly, I realized how much I reacted towards other people challenging my IDEA I have of myself, and how this challenge that others are giving me puts up this WALL of stubbornness and where I now MUST be more clever, or have a correct answer, or one that is even MORE better and saying those things as to show the other people I do not need your advice or help, which is again stubbornness, unwillingness to change, unwilling to admit that my way isn’t the way, and that if someone gives me a different way that takes out all the struggling, then I can simply take it – BUT NO, stubborn people, as myself want to be special, you see. Stubborn people want to be able to say SEE I did it all by myself, therefore I have all the credit, I was right, I am the winner of ME, but really?

This stubborn point has been challenged within me to its utmost through starting my Desteni Process, to be humble, to not be the all-knowing person, to be the inflexible self-righteous person that is always in conflict with everyone because LOOK I have a better answer, look I am saying this, YOU didn’t have to, I didn’t need any help from yo, even when what I say was inspired fom the other person, I mold it to my own.

one of the biggest stubborn indicators is to be part of a group, to walk as a group and within one principle, because then there is no MY way. it is best for all always, the group comes first. 

And this character can be sneaky, I have noticed how I can even listen to someone and SEE what they are saying and how it makes sense, and the practicality within what they are saying is HERE, yet I will walk away from such a conversation and then I will go in myself – ok, let me IMPROVE this what I was given and make it even better, and this I do because if I change what was told to me or what I heard, into my OWN version, then I can use it and tell the other person I still did it all by myself, LOOK I have an even better way of saying it, of doing it, I found this way, not you, I didn’t need your help. The stubborn character LOVES credit for itself no matter what, as long as someone else wasn’t right or helping or giving better information than the stubborn character.

I will be going into the stubborn character in more detail within my next blog through self-forgiveness.

This blog is on sex and private parts, adult's only , the BIG surprise – Day 607 day 10 of 21

This blog is for adults, well, should it be? I mean let’s be honest, we all got introduced to sex and everything about sex the day we were made, I mean a penis and a vagina was involved, but to be more serious, fuck media made sure I knew about vaginas and penises before my system assigned appropriate age which is 18, by the time I was 13, I have seen hard core porn, by accident of course. Visiting a friend by surprise, standing at the entrance of the door at his home, I heard weird noises coming from the house and looked in and saw on two computer screens hard core porn playing. I was fucking shocked. Before that I of course have seen naked women and men, I mean I am a man, but I saw naked women on TV, all the time, with my family, especially when sex scenes were coming up, but the private parts are always hidden then. And I got hold of a lot of “sexy” magazines, those perfect brainwashing tools being distributed all around, and they all were basically just teasing, not showing anything “private” once again, 90% was left to the imagination. And this is the part I am coming to within this blog.

The imagination and Vaginas

Please, consider this blog is written from me as a male point of view and it is going to be quite honest and open, so don’t make it personal towards me or anyone or anything else. I want to share my experiences and what I learned as a young man in his teens and before that and up until now.

consider - everything except porn is designed to make us focus on everything as an image other than the actual private parts, so we are left to connect the real point with the imagination stimulus designed around the people and images presented, such as the ass, legs, eyes, arms, figure, to totally disregard the actual point in discussion - sex, which is the vagina and the penis really.

I was sold an Idea about sex that was contradicting reality regarding sex, yes it is and was my responsibility to not accept and allow all the shit I was told and sold about sex, but I did, it was a curious thing, as I was in the stages of still understanding sex and my own male parts and the curious secretive female parts.

From TV and Media, I got this perfect picture, beautiful clean women idea, and then also that women are good for sex, really, that’s all I saw women good for in my youth, to get sex, perhaps I am one of the guys that wanted that idea to be sold to me because I was so insecure, perhaps all guys had this idea and hid it better, but my point is, this used to be my ideas, not the Ideal at all.

Yet I also had this Idea mixed up with women are perfect, somehow I was mind fucked by two polarities like a beautiful nice respected girl is somehow a prostitute underneath it all to be fucked hard. This is simply how it was programmed within me through what I saw on TV and Media and magazines, all those pictures and moving pictures really influences a guy at that age (age 7 and onward).

Now I knew one thing, a Dick is an ugly thing, I mean, geeze, just look at it, and never mind the smell sometimes, they look like one eyed monsters, in the showers or dressing rooms with a bunch of other guys, there are all kinds of weird one eyed monsters, all competing with each other, who’s got a meaner and stronger monster, checking and looking, even teasing and laughing at those who’s monsters weren’t in a certain range, not to mention the size and the different ways of direction all these one eyed monsters have. The point I want to make will come soon for mentioning this.

I remember feeling insecure after a few times having this competition in the dressing rooms for buys and not wanting to get dressed or naked in front of other boys, because the possibility of teasing might come up, so I avoided that, even though it never happened to me, but other kids got it hard, not that kind of hard.

Then you have the public toilets, and here, sometimes there are up to 10 standing urinals next to each other, and while pissing you try and avoid others from looking or seeing but if there are two other guys next to you, you just have to give u and piss quick and get it over, unless you are not shy and have some kind of an idea about your size one eye monster, then some guys will like swing that thing out and proudly piss for all to see. So now, here I am with a reality check always around me, and here comes my point that had me confused and that I took to myself as a male.

When I watch movies, or hear songs, where the girls just cannot wait to give a guy a blow job or touch his dick, I go in my mind WHAT?? Does this girl even know what she is wanting? I mean, the weird shit that goes on in men’s pans and the smells, Girls want that? Shit, there must be something wrong with women then to want that shit. Now at this point in time I still had NO clue what a vagina really looks like, feels like or if it also smells – and god dammit I was going with my imagination, because if I had to be real with myself that Vaginas will also smell, or feel weird, or have weird looks, then what I have in my imagination about girls will quickly change to becoming real and not this clean perfect image that is pure and smooth and just fucking perfect, and I went as far as even imagining that the picture of these models on TV and in magazines must fit what their vaginas will be like, I mean it must be??

Now the only “real” feedback I got on what Vaginas are about and how they are was from my trust worthy friends – and all the stories they have heard and later on all the stories that they have created “apparently” before me – and NEVER was anything mentioned about smells or tastes, even though they claimed they have been down there, all I heard was about wetness, extreme wetness, this surprised me because I never imagined that, of course imagination attempts to be far away from reality. Never mind all the hair, or mentioning about hair flossing your teeth potentially.

I discovered all of this myself over the years in my teenage years, and it was a surprise – not that there was smells, and hair and lots of juices, but that even after that and everyone knowing about the reality of vaginas and penises, among ourselves we will always only talk superficial as to keep the imagination intact, that which isn’t real, we do not talk about the real stuff, all of it, like while you have sex, farting is a possibility, mmm.

So this is my blog on sharing a bit more about how if we are real with ourselves in terms of reality and the sexual organs and stop making everything in our minds as pretty, as clean, as nice as perfect and get down to the actuality of it all, we can actually start seeing more clearly when something is literally deceiving us with pictures and selling using sex mixed with perfection, I mean, you will encounter ass hair, or some weird shit downstairs, it just is part of the human design and we can trip and cut and do plastic surgery all we want but it isn’t solving eh problem of the imagination and how it run people’s lives, I mean, after discovering the reality of sex for myself the first time and what’s involved, besides just intercourse, but like playing, you know, four play – I still have the Imagination to imagine it different and more perfect with some other girl, that this other girls will be more perfect, or have it right as I have imagined it, I mean just take a look at your own dick/penis, there is no perfect.

In the end it is really simple, regardless of the body image, one has a penis and the other has a vagina, or in more simpler terms, one has a rod and the other has a hole, that’s what it is all about, and to make these parts fit, is simple, in and out, with of course the required lubrication's and that will cause certain smells, like a car gives off a smell from the oil and petrol because of all the ins and outs happening, and then there will be gasses release, and we have exhausts pipes, our assholes, and shit will take place, we have to be real about this or the imagination and what is in movies, TV’s series and general media will keep playing on this “perfect imaginary world of sex in our minds”.

And the saddest part is, we are all actually believing and thinking that we can achieve this perfection image and are willing to go to great lengths to change our bodies, but if you are going to sweat and stink during sex, or if your penis or vagina is going to produce a certain smell while in action, you better hope you can breathe and be here in the physical, or you will be turned off, and then a sexual problem is coming.

Being real about this, you will find NO women or man in the streets will be attractive to you as an image anymore and you will empower yourself to already there not get distracted or fall in the trap of being attracted by an image.

Imagine that hot Vampire lady you saw in a movie or guy and then realizing, shit they have stinky dicks and vaginas just like me, they fart just like me, they have imperfect vaginas and dicks just like me, there is nothing special, just the outer image, they also probably far and have ass hair while in that intimate moment, and when things get really hot those smelly armpits will just make things bloom even more and there is nothing special.

The physical has the same way of expressing itself within the same things within all of us. These are some pointers I integrated for myself to stop the addiction of looking, of desire ring, of being distracted and following the lady in the red dress so to say, now I can truly embrace me as my body and there is NO imagination interfering and I am in breath. Then every moment is perfect and not seeking it somewhere out there as sold to us. Let’s all grow leg hair and armpit hair, destroy the illusions that keeps the systems alive and in attraction.

When Lethargy sinks in Day 606 - 9 of 21

Many years ago I went through a state of lethargy, for months I was tired and exhausted and felt like sitting and zoning out, not doing or participating in anything, where the thought and thinking in my mind would be telling me over and over “ relax, you need to just sit down and relax, do nothing for a while, you have been working hard, you deserve to just sit still and do nothing, just zone out for a while, then you will feel alive and awake again, just give it time” – But then it continues, for days and then weeks and then months and then it becomes Me, this new habit and pattern. 

BUT lucky me, I Listened to the Eqafe interviews on Lethargy a while back, and this enabled me to see when I was entering Lethargy, but that’s now all, because of the interviews I was not only able to see what I am in but also HOW I have created it for myself, it all took place in a short period of 30min, where I felt lethargic and suddenly I saw the construct that was described in the interviews, and I was like, wow, this is how I created it and why I am experiencing this. In that moment I could view who I was in the past few weeks and then how that specific doing/living ended up in a state I could not explain and just experienced and then have lethargy. 

It is for me difficult to write it all specifically down, as this requires the knowledge of the interviews to fully understand, but I will do the Self-forgiveness none the less on my personal points of creation up until this point. 

Here are the interviews for your interest:

Lethargy: Introduction – https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-introduction-atlanteans-part-212
Lethargy Looking Ahead - https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-looking-ahead-atlanteans-part-216
Lethargy Domino Effect - https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-domino-effect-atlanteans-part-213
Lethargy Self-Forgiveness - https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-self-forgiveness-atlanteans-part-215
Lethargy A Physical Experience - https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-a-physical-experience-atlanteans-part-214
Lethargy The Gifts Within - https://eqafe.com/p/lethargy-the-gifts-within-atlanteans-part-217

 

My Self-Forgiveness 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the past few weeks take on a character within me of “advancement” where the point of advancement and growing wasn’t the problem, but that I took on a character within energy, where the mind made me believe that I require a certain character to face the changes of advancing and expanding based on expectations of what is to come, where I in the current moment already generate and create all the energy that I believe I will need as this character for when and as the moment arrives that these changes and advancements take place, and so within time as I advance, the expectations isn’t met, yet I have already generated and gathered all this energy within me for a certain moment, and as this moment never arrives my body still need to use this energy or do something with it, and thus I go into a lethargic state where all this energy is now weighing on me, making me feel tired as It never got to be expressed, and so it now needs to filter through my body and all the systems designed within the mind, and so I sit and wait for myself to feel awake again, to beef alive again to move and direct myself, yet as I wait for this to happen I am forming and creating new habits and patterns set within lethargy, and thus I become lethargy as a self-propelling cycle. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require a high energy character for any change or advancement that MIGHT take place and to within this prepare the character within acclimating energy beforehand as to set myself up for success, without actually knowing the outcome of the actual time it will take before any advancement or change will actually take place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be someone else other than me to be ready, to handle any advancement or change that is to come or might come.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize the non-common sense approach this is to take on a character and to generate all the required energy I believe I will required for something that might or might not happen and to within this act upon it within energy within me, not even checking physical reality and walking real time change, just following everything and anything my mind is throwing at me to follow according to an expectation I made up within my mind about what I want and not haw reality works.