Ok so I have been looking at personality traits within my behaviors as to what I have created as my Suit to put on in this world.
On Day 67 Behavior 1 I looked at the stability front/trait I have created to give forth as who I am yet its only a suit and not real, today I am going to look at the always happy smile me.
I asked myself – can I walk around all day without smiling once, is it possible to test myself in such a way to see if I am really directing me, or if the personality will kick in self defense, hiding and deceiving/manipulating and all the other points that gives the reason/justification for why I have created such trait within my personality suit. To survive!!
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smile to hide what is really going on in fear of others judging me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smile to pretend in front of others that it is going good with me just so that my life does not seem less than theirs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the truth of myself from myself through always wanting and pretending to be happy to temporarily suppress the shit going on in the world and my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self responsibility for myself and my world and through this pretend everything is going fine with a big fuck you smile.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always smile when I am in a group of people or with specific people just to give the impression it is going as well with me just not to concern them, realizing I am deceiving them and lying to myself as I know the world isn’t okay and we humans are fucking everything up and yet no one can even admit it to each other and just hide it all with a big fuck you smile.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smile and pretend I am fucking happy as society wants me to be or I will be seen as a threat as I admit the reality of this world when I do not smile and get serious.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smile in the fear of facing conflict with other beings as I might disturb their day if I show a little bit of the truth of me as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, realizing that when I do not smile it does not mean |I have to go into the polarity of being depressed or angry or unhappy, but it is to breathe and Be here within the reality as the physical one and equal and to not use smiling to hide and lie.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use smiling as a shield to hide, blinding the people looking at me with my white light teeth so that they may not see the darkness that lies behind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smile when meeting new people or being around certain people just to hold back the words I actually want to let our but instead place the bars in front of my mouth so that the words cannot escape my mouth, realizing it isn’t to not stop smiling and suddenly say everything I want, it is to breathe and to realize that what goes on inside me as positive or negative must STOP both ways, thus stopping what the smile hides and so stop the smile as there is nothing to hide and no more deception, lies, manipulation, hiding
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my smile as a defense, so that when I open my mouth and the whiteness of my teeth is revealed the other person cannot help but to only notice the white and to forget to look at all my problems so that I can remain within them and feel save with my problems.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my smile to mislead people to think I am always happy and that they are probably missing out on life somewhere as I can smile and they cannot, realizing that I am only fooling myself to play this game as I will always remain me behind my prison of white toothed bars.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my smile in situations as part of my personality suit to say I am okay, I can handle this, I am strong and to hide the actual experience of me and to lose the one chance of facing myself and to take self responsibility for what exist within me in the moment of breathe and self forgive and rebirth.
I commit myself to breathe and to stop the automated smile that comes up in moments, and to show myself that the smile that wanted to come out automatically within the moment was specific and that it was with a purpose, and to look within the moment/scenario/situation what was happening and what the smile wanted to hide/prevent and all other possible points.