Day 3 – I miss Bernard Poolman, opening up points 4 years later Part 1

I do not share a lot of my inner personal points that come up, or that I deem as to emotional or sensitive. I have judged points such as missing someone as wrong and emotional, and so within this I have come to suppress the experiences and what is within the emotional points. 

Last night as I was sitting by my computer sharing some Eqafe recordings that I found awesome from 2012, I suddenly had this emotional experience of sadness coming up, and I saw that it was in relation to Bernard Poolman not being here anymore.  

Funny enough, it is today the 13^th, two days after Bernard Poolman passed away, I had this emotional experience coming up two days earlier but suppressed it, and I now finally came to opening it up. Two days ago I didn’t know it was in relationship to Bernard Poolman till last night, and so here I am.

It has been four years since Bernard passed away and I have my LIFE to thank to him, I can’t even put into words what all of it is that I have to thank him for, but it is something along the lines of EVERYTHING. 

When I was lost Bernard was there exactly on the right time. 

When I was struggling Bernard was there exactly on the right time with exactly what I needed.

When I did not understand something, Bernard was there exactly on the right time with exactly what I needed to hear. 

When I felt directionless, Bernard was there exactly on the right time with direction. 

Where I did not understand anything, where I felt like I could never grasp LIFE, Bernard was there.

When I felt it was too late for me, that I am a failure, that I have no purpose, that I didn’t have any value, Bernard was there with brutal self-honesty, common sense and taking no bullshit. 

When I was in fear and everyone around me was in fear running around like headless chickens, Bernard was there standing like a solid rock, fearless, showing that fear is useless, but more, he stopped it he directed it to always be the outcome as what is best for all life. 

When I judged myself and what I was going through within myself or within reality, may it be the most embarrassing or serious of problems, Bernard was there without any judgments and absolute understanding. 

I can only share what Bernard was to me as what he was to me is but still of my own perception of me and thus how I created my relationship towards him, this what I share does not define him.

So, why am I sad? Why do I miss Bernard Poolman? I am not going to create an excuse or reason or justification to why, but keep it simple and that I actually do miss him and I have missed him for years now, four years to be exact. 

 

I will share why I miss him and in what moments, because this reveals the emotional part within missing him, which is now a GIFT for me to see where I must change, stand up and take self-responsibility. 

Bernard represented a lot of things, but most of all he stood as LIFE as what is Best for all life in all ways, all dimensions, he was fearless, he stood as the physical, he had no fear so this was great to see in action. 

Bernard Created Desteni – without him Desteni would never have been here, self-honesty would never have been known, common sense and the message of Equality would never have penetrated this world this life time again if it wasn’t for him, Bernard through creating Desteni gave LIFE an opportunity again this life time, and this is why Desteni is so specific and everything else that is here as Desteni, Bernard set up Desteni in such a way that even after his Death, it is still here, standing, it is a solid rock, the message of LIFE and equality and oneness and how to actually in fact educate and walk ourselves, each individual into and as life, the path is here, the tools is here, the support is here, the gifts are here, we simply have to take it, make it ours in fact and walk it equal and one as Bernard has, he showed it is possible for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss Bernard from the emotional starting point of wishing that he was here to stand as certain points, so that I do not have to. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss Bernard from the starting point of wanting him to yet again stand as the example and the direction to push the Desteni message, to kick peoples asses into self-honesty and to get real. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss Bernard from the starting point of wanting a leader again, so that I do not have to be that leader.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a leader of myself as life absolutely and standing as that and not compromise no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss Bernard from the starting point of believing that I can never do what he did, stand as what he stood, and to be that point for myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss Bernard as wishing he was here to give me approval to stand as life, to speak as life, to forgive myself, and to live my utmost potential. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss Bernard from the starting point of seeking someone that tells me what I am doing wrong and right to know if I am on the right track within standing as LIFE as Desteni and moving forward. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR standing as Bernard one and equal and to then having to deal with all the things he had to deal with, direct when he was here. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss Bernard from the starting point of that is HE was here then a lot of things that has happened, that has gone by would not have happened, would not have gone in the directions they did and that we would now have had a different outcome, yet I see and realize that this is me hoping, assuming and wishing once again, instead of being here in reality and that what is here cannot be denied and thus this is what needs direction now, thus I must let go of what could have been, and what should have been and be here, breathe and direct. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear now that Bernard is gone that Desteni will disappear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear now that Bernard as his physical form that is gone, that those who were kept in check within self-honesty and facing themselves feel that they can simply slack off and fuck around and thus within this I feel powerless to direct the people’s minds or the points they are facing as Bernard did, and so all I can do is watch on as equality and oneness becomes but a memory instead of a reality for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless when and as I see people walking their process, taking on their minds, their self-honesty and re-birthing themselves as life go into excuses, justifications for stopping, giving up and not supporting Desteni, where Bernard used to be able to stop that, expose the points and get people back on track, back to self-honesty and not take bullshit from people/mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss Bernard and that point he represented where there is NO bullshitting him, where there is nothing hidden with him, where there is nothing that can fuck around with him, and thus LIFE as the Desteni process here on earth was walked really cool and effective, and so comparing what is here now, four years later, I can see the fucking around, the bullshitting, the Desteni process thrown out of the window for the system and all the distractions, fears, money and survival, personal agendas and securities has taken over again.

Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I am seeing and to do nothing about it, to not question it, to not stand as that point of self-honesty, as common sense as LIFE, when I know I can, yet I fear that I will fuck up, that I will have a moment of doubt and then it will be seen and have consequences that are not best for all life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others and their processes. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and my process. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on other people’s process and to forget my own. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the mind idea the whole time of what would Bernard have done, how would Bernard have done it, instead of focussing on me and what I am doing, what am I directing, how am I directing it within my expression within what is best for all life. 

To be continued.

Day 2 – when the day has ran out, what to do?

It is late now, I have just gotten back from doing some recordings, and it is already late, I feel like just getting into bed and sleeping, or doing something else and relaxing, my Son even asked me to go to bed and watch a movie with him, but here I am, I have committed myself to write daily again. I am now living this commitment, I am going to write this blog and the go to bed with my son to watch something with him and relax with him. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider to NOT live up to my commitment and to rather give into the temptation of the mind as just relaxing and doing nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge writing and self-forgiveness as not relaxing but rather work. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to just go sit down and do nothing is more rewarding and better for me than to write. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to rather write will mean I am losing out on something else, such as sitting and doing nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to just go sit and do nothing instead of writing will give me more energy and support me more to “rest” yet I know this is a repetitive addictive pattern of simply not doing anything, and yet writing has proven to support me in fact and actually help me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as VALID to simply not write and just sit down and do nothing as if I am resting, and thus using an excuse that will and can always and forever be justified and thus I can end up never writing, as I can simply always be too tired and go with that and never push for change. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that to use physical conditions and reasons as to why not write is me enslaving myself to never write or change, as the physical will always then not be ready, and thus I see and realize I must actually push through these PHYSICAL resistances and excuses and reasons I have built and maintained to justify myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use tiredness and the PAST as to why I am tired and why I should not do more and rather do nothing as an excuse and reason to not write, and thus enslaving myself once again to never face myself or change or take action, and thus I also see and realize that this isn’t only going to count for my writings but will and are seeping into all other parts of my life, and thus pushing through this point of writing and not using time as an excuse will support me equally to also push through other points in my life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to WANT to simply go with and use the excuse and reason of my environment to hold me back from not writing self-forgiveness and taking self-responsibility for myself and to then always be able to say, BUT my this or that happened, or took place so I could not write, such as my son that just now requested for me to go lay down with him and just watch movies, I was tempted to simply go with him and say fuck it to writing, but instead of saw that I could write if I do not go for the temptation and then agree with him as his age and time that he can watch his movie instead next to me till I am done, and thus seeing that my initial reason without testing or trying out different ways to write was me wanting to have the easy way out.

Day 1 – Self – forgiveness and writing starting my journey to life again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that to apply the tool of writing self-forgiveness daily on anything and everything I face is to MOVE within the physical and to stop the mind is necessary for change this life time as to rebirth myself as life one and equal, and thus when and as I do NOT write and resist to write or even justify to not write and come up with all seemingly good reasons to not write, that I am in and of the mind and nothing more or less than that. 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to push through to write openly every single day self-forgiveness as a self-commitment to myself as rebirthing myself as LIFE and to not give into the pre-programmed habits and patterns of the mind that justifies my limited existence as energy, as moods as who I have accepted and allowed myself to become on a physical level that has enslaved me to my habits and patterns on a daily basis and to push through to change through writing out the patterns and habits that constitute me, till who I have defined myself as the believes and ideas and opinions around myself are completely obliterated and to even then push beyond that. 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to FULLY grasp the extent of how much the MIND is directing me through how much I resist writing self-forgiveness that I can even justify that I have nothing to write about and that I thus do not have to write at all. THUS not seeing and realizing that this process isn’t preprogramed and WILL not come easy or automatically to ANYONE as it isn’t in anyone’s pre-programming and thus does not follow a program and requires WILL to push through as breathing, and to be a DIRECTIVE author of oneself and one’s life to take action and write and open up willingly points that isn’t even here yet is here by the fact that they can be opened up. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is such a things as a justification, an excuse or a valid reason for why I am NOT writing OPENLY in my journey with Desteni within the tools provided and all the support given such as TIME being a problem, or mental emotional burdens that is going on or are going through and thus not writing, or that I am to stressed, too fearful to write,, and thus do not write. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is such a thing as an excuse that is valid for not writing self-forgiveness, and thus I see and realize that as long as there is an excuse within me then I am NOT self-honest and thus abusing LIFE and the time that I have here in the physical at this moment to only entertain the mind and self-interest. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is such a thing as having NO time to write self-forgiveness due to some excuse or justification or reason, and thus I see and realize that any excuse or reason or justification is all but of the mind that is keeping me back from expanding and growing as LIFE as the mind can always find time for being lazy, depressed, or watching TV or Youtube videos of hours nonstop till one drops to sleep or dead, yet writing is apparently too much and just another burden, and thus confirming the minds power and control over self-will. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that if I resist applying self-forgiveness in writing on all my points that I face daily and to even move beyond that into the points as me as the world system then I am literally trapped in the mind as fear, only entertaining a prison of my own creation and feeding a self-destructive system till I die and never changing and rebirthing myself as life, and thus I see and realize that if I am not willing to PASSIONATELY push myself to sit and write, that I am in fact NOT grasping the TRUTH as the denial of what is here as LIFE and why I must change and take FULL responsibility for myself as all LIFE that is here in all dimensions this life time, to stand as life and to actually walk as an example for myself as all life to create heaven on earth for all life as me here. 

I commit myself to write daily self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to expose al my excuses and justifications and reasons for not writing self-forgiveness daily and writing and speaking it. 

I commit myself to challenge myself in all my excuses, justifications and reasons to why I seemingly cannot write self-forgiveness daily. 

I commit myself to expose my own insecurities of writing and applying self-forgiveness daily OPENLY for all to see and to stand as a point of real change in real support for others in real points I face that others deem to personal to expose and share, yet this is what the world needs as this is what I truly need to change. 

I commit myself to write daily for myself as myself as my honesty till I am self-honest and standing as life for the next 7 years, testing my breathing my commitment daily.