Day 3 – I miss Bernard Poolman, opening up points 4 years later Part 1

I do not share a lot of my inner personal points that come up, or that I deem as to emotional or sensitive. I have judged points such as missing someone as wrong and emotional, and so within this I have come to suppress the experiences and what is within the emotional points. 

Last night as I was sitting by my computer sharing some Eqafe recordings that I found awesome from 2012, I suddenly had this emotional experience of sadness coming up, and I saw that it was in relation to Bernard Poolman not being here anymore.  

Funny enough, it is today the 13^th, two days after Bernard Poolman passed away, I had this emotional experience coming up two days earlier but suppressed it, and I now finally came to opening it up. Two days ago I didn’t know it was in relationship to Bernard Poolman till last night, and so here I am.

It has been four years since Bernard passed away and I have my LIFE to thank to him, I can’t even put into words what all of it is that I have to thank him for, but it is something along the lines of EVERYTHING. 

When I was lost Bernard was there exactly on the right time. 

When I was struggling Bernard was there exactly on the right time with exactly what I needed.

When I did not understand something, Bernard was there exactly on the right time with exactly what I needed to hear. 

When I felt directionless, Bernard was there exactly on the right time with direction. 

Where I did not understand anything, where I felt like I could never grasp LIFE, Bernard was there.

When I felt it was too late for me, that I am a failure, that I have no purpose, that I didn’t have any value, Bernard was there with brutal self-honesty, common sense and taking no bullshit. 

When I was in fear and everyone around me was in fear running around like headless chickens, Bernard was there standing like a solid rock, fearless, showing that fear is useless, but more, he stopped it he directed it to always be the outcome as what is best for all life. 

When I judged myself and what I was going through within myself or within reality, may it be the most embarrassing or serious of problems, Bernard was there without any judgments and absolute understanding. 

I can only share what Bernard was to me as what he was to me is but still of my own perception of me and thus how I created my relationship towards him, this what I share does not define him.

So, why am I sad? Why do I miss Bernard Poolman? I am not going to create an excuse or reason or justification to why, but keep it simple and that I actually do miss him and I have missed him for years now, four years to be exact. 

 

I will share why I miss him and in what moments, because this reveals the emotional part within missing him, which is now a GIFT for me to see where I must change, stand up and take self-responsibility. 

Bernard represented a lot of things, but most of all he stood as LIFE as what is Best for all life in all ways, all dimensions, he was fearless, he stood as the physical, he had no fear so this was great to see in action. 

Bernard Created Desteni – without him Desteni would never have been here, self-honesty would never have been known, common sense and the message of Equality would never have penetrated this world this life time again if it wasn’t for him, Bernard through creating Desteni gave LIFE an opportunity again this life time, and this is why Desteni is so specific and everything else that is here as Desteni, Bernard set up Desteni in such a way that even after his Death, it is still here, standing, it is a solid rock, the message of LIFE and equality and oneness and how to actually in fact educate and walk ourselves, each individual into and as life, the path is here, the tools is here, the support is here, the gifts are here, we simply have to take it, make it ours in fact and walk it equal and one as Bernard has, he showed it is possible for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss Bernard from the emotional starting point of wishing that he was here to stand as certain points, so that I do not have to. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss Bernard from the starting point of wanting him to yet again stand as the example and the direction to push the Desteni message, to kick peoples asses into self-honesty and to get real. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss Bernard from the starting point of wanting a leader again, so that I do not have to be that leader.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a leader of myself as life absolutely and standing as that and not compromise no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss Bernard from the starting point of believing that I can never do what he did, stand as what he stood, and to be that point for myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss Bernard as wishing he was here to give me approval to stand as life, to speak as life, to forgive myself, and to live my utmost potential. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss Bernard from the starting point of seeking someone that tells me what I am doing wrong and right to know if I am on the right track within standing as LIFE as Desteni and moving forward. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR standing as Bernard one and equal and to then having to deal with all the things he had to deal with, direct when he was here. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss Bernard from the starting point of that is HE was here then a lot of things that has happened, that has gone by would not have happened, would not have gone in the directions they did and that we would now have had a different outcome, yet I see and realize that this is me hoping, assuming and wishing once again, instead of being here in reality and that what is here cannot be denied and thus this is what needs direction now, thus I must let go of what could have been, and what should have been and be here, breathe and direct. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear now that Bernard is gone that Desteni will disappear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear now that Bernard as his physical form that is gone, that those who were kept in check within self-honesty and facing themselves feel that they can simply slack off and fuck around and thus within this I feel powerless to direct the people’s minds or the points they are facing as Bernard did, and so all I can do is watch on as equality and oneness becomes but a memory instead of a reality for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless when and as I see people walking their process, taking on their minds, their self-honesty and re-birthing themselves as life go into excuses, justifications for stopping, giving up and not supporting Desteni, where Bernard used to be able to stop that, expose the points and get people back on track, back to self-honesty and not take bullshit from people/mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss Bernard and that point he represented where there is NO bullshitting him, where there is nothing hidden with him, where there is nothing that can fuck around with him, and thus LIFE as the Desteni process here on earth was walked really cool and effective, and so comparing what is here now, four years later, I can see the fucking around, the bullshitting, the Desteni process thrown out of the window for the system and all the distractions, fears, money and survival, personal agendas and securities has taken over again.

Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I am seeing and to do nothing about it, to not question it, to not stand as that point of self-honesty, as common sense as LIFE, when I know I can, yet I fear that I will fuck up, that I will have a moment of doubt and then it will be seen and have consequences that are not best for all life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others and their processes. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and my process. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on other people’s process and to forget my own. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the mind idea the whole time of what would Bernard have done, how would Bernard have done it, instead of focussing on me and what I am doing, what am I directing, how am I directing it within my expression within what is best for all life. 

To be continued.