The nasty living of REGRET, Day 5 of 21 – Day 590

The word regret brings out a lot within me, too much for on blog. Starting here is the best time.
Living regret is a nasty thing, it is self-destructive, it is self-harming, it is as if I am attempting to “live” but at the same time destroy myself. Living regret is like wanting to change but ONLY if the change can make up for the past, but the problem is, the past is a massive mountain that keeps on growing through the very act of trying to make up for the regrets, so no matter how much I attempt to change, no matter how much I attempt to make up for the past, it is impossible, because the past is just that. The past.

Here is one of the dimensions of how living regret is like a snow ball effect, where regret is just growing and getting bigger and bigger. And this regret is coming down on me every day, all the time, I am carrying the past with me as who I am all the time, regret is me telling myself THESE are the mistakes that I have made, LOOK – there they are, I have failed within ALL of those things, and I will have to go back to each and every point that I have failed at, that I have made mistakes within and make up for it, so I will carry them all with me and keep adding all the current mistakes and failures and hopefully, someday I might just make up for all of it.

The problem is, when I carry Regret (re-Get) with me, this burden, this stress, this heavy heavy feeling/emotion of I am a failure, I am a mistake, because I have all this evidence of it, so it must be who I am – and because it is SOOO much, it becomes an evil cycle where I will say to myself, or tell myself, OH well, I might as well fail at this again, I might as well just keep on making mistakes, because what real difference is it going to make compared to ALLL the past regrets as mistakes as failures that I already have. It is like adding a spade of dirt to a mountain every day, believing that this spade of dirt will not have any effect on the mountain, so I might as well just add many spades more a day, I mean just look at how tiny a spade of sand is compared to the Mountain (regret) – not considering that, if I do this for years and years, I have literally created another mountain.

Regret I would say is one of my main points, there are many dimensions and factors to this point and why I say it is one of my main points, but this point exists within me daily, and it is time to face the monster of regret that I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist as regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in living IN regret and to make regret my daily living, where I feel I have to keep on making up for the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of always being stubborn as a kid and to never learn anything new or give anything a chance that others have suggested to me, as I wanted to follow my own way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a resistance towards doing self-forgiveness on regret, where my mind goes blank, as if nothing is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret that I never stood up to adults and spoke out against abuse and to voice myself within common sense and what I could see as a child and to question and keep questioning everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret everything in my life as I ever did anything for myself and always did everything for others and where these other people are benefiting my personal self-interest and survival only, even when this means selling myself, giving up myself, my strong points, my natural expression that I had as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at the end of everyday count all my regrets, as where I have failed, where I have made mistakes and to within this continue my following day within this regret, where I now attempt to suddenly be all good and be all doing, yet I am not making up for yesterday and so I miss out completely on HERE as today, the new day as well, and so the cycle of regret continues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I wake up in the morning, to check where am I going to correct myself today for yesterday’s mistakes/failures and so live in yesterday and to always end up failing and making mistakes again at the end of the day as I missed the entire day and so I now have many days the next day to make up for and so the cycle continues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this cycle of regret already move and direct myself within my day as a failure and thus I am more prone and open to self-destructive patterns and habits that I have formed to just put myself into that experience of I am a failure/mistake – just to confirm it and make it real so that I can make up for the entire day of living in this constant stress, anxiety of not making it through the day and getting to making up for the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into bad habits/pattern that are within secret just to play out the belief that I move around with all day within myself and that is and has become the reasons for what I do, yet hiding it with a fake smile, and so when in secret and I am alone, I feel that I can finally be myself, expose myself, YET not seeing and realizing that this person in secret isn’t ME, it is simply what I have accepted and allowed ME to live and be, and because I have not come to be self-honest within this point, I keep on falling into secret mind traps where I have a little cest pool of my own to indulge within my believe I have of myself, which I see and realize now I want to be true about me, why?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a Living ball of regret as failure and mistakes where I keep on repeating these failures and mistakes that always include others in my reality as TO get others to SEE me as a failure as well and a mistake so that I can get others to believe in my believe that I have of myself, as to get attention and to keep myself in check within my personality as to support the mind consciousness systems as polarity., seeing and realizing that there is NO secret reasons for this play-out but simply the reason for the mind to continue and for me as the being t NEVER stand up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attached deeper and more meanings to my failures and mistakes that I keep on repeating, as they must be indicating something about me, this must be who I am, this must be a secret ME that must be true, that I cannot change, as I see and realize that this is ME fighting and standing for the mind and nothing else, where I actually in fact do NOT want to change but remain the mind as polarity game that can always confirm my personality through a self-created cycle of where I in fact have to literally participate and give my energy and attention to for it to exist and without me this personality/character cannot exist if I simply stop and breathe and live.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that this character of living regret is me in fact not wanting to change on a much deeper level, and thus I am still holding onto personality as the mind as knowledge and information as what defined me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the regret of never giving MYSELF a chance within the system as living the system when I was young, and where I would rather participate in separation and fear and thus create my OWN way and to within this have regrets of not testing out everything and keeping the good as what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of being shy towards girls that I knew liked me when I was in school and to completely shy away and hide myself in fears, fears of what others might think of me, fear of what others might say to me, fear of how it will make ME look if I had to admit that I liked the certain girl as well, even though she wasn’t considered as a system model looking person. YET I liked her but could not stand within integrity of equality and oneness, but rather fall into what the system is going to say, or tease me, or make me feel less, not considering that this is what this other person had to experience all the time from others and I was unable to stand equal as that person and to be of support and assistance. Not to mention to even be Honest with myself and to within that change myself completely too rather LIKE what is seen as appropriate for my status and my popularity and my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of how I treated other people that didn’t seem to fit into the system, where I saw them as less than, and where I would only secretly be friends with these people to be nice to them, yet in public, in the open I would join the forces of the “popular” kids and be the evil that the system required me to be for my own survival and self-interest, never being able to stand for equality and oneness even when I knew within me even as a young child that it was evil and wrong and NOT best for all life, and yet I did it regardless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the regret of how I saw other people in my reality were treating animals/pets and even when I knew within me that it was Abusive in nature, not right, I remained silent, and I rather made the point about me, how I was raised with animals, and to use this as my justification for why I never stood up to other human beings and how they were treating animals, even when it was in the name of love, as I could now say, I am damaged, because of how I observed others handling animals as a child and so now I do not have a great relationship with animals anymore and thus can justify my behaviour around animals as being “disconnected”, not caring, not fully with the animal one and equal.
To be continued.

Day 498 – slowing down – the way of the turtle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider slowing down during my day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up in the morning with a rush inside of me, a rush in the fear of not getting to everything that I need to do, or believe I need to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use energy to manipulate myself into movement to get to everything that I need to do, or believe that I need to do.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I use energy to create a rush within me to manipulate me to move myself to get things done, seeing and realizing that this manipulation that is driven by fear is a form of resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that when I am within energy that is of fear/anxiety/stress that I am using these energies to manipulate me into moving and doing what I need to do.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the reason for this energy manipulation is because I have a resistance to what I need to do, and thus I use force such as fear to rush me to do it, NOT seeing and realizing that the rush within me to move me is showing me a point where I haven’t corrected my relationship towards something within my reality within me, the nature of the relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush myself within all the points in my reality where I have established a relationship within me of a “need to do it” – and thus the relationship is against me and what I want to do, and so create friction, where I have made it about what I do instead of who I am within what I do, thus using energy as a force to force me to do it, creating a rush, so that I can rush through it and just get it over with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Keep myself within this rush mode, never slowing down to actually have time, or a moment to check myself, who I am within the moment and why I am experiencing myself the way I am in each breath and to re align it, to change my relationships in my reality within me.

I thus forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that within slowing down I am able to actually see what is here within using breathing as a grounding tool/earthing myself, where I can slow everything down and catch the thoughts and energies that is directing me, and to take direction/authority of me and change my relationship within myself within/towards what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear slowing down will make me lose time and not get to everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect slowing down within and without in my reality that I will not be productive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect negative opinions/believes/ideas to slowing down and being slow within my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I slow down I will be late for something,, seeing and realizing that this is an irrational fear as all fear is irrational, as slowing down within me can be present at all times, even if I am running, and that is the point of slowing down I need to focus on, and to not miss inform myself based on ideas/opinions/believes but to remain practical in a living manner, but to always check that I am quit within me and still like water.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear facing myself when moving slow as who I am within all relationships within me and thus my reality, as I know moving slow will give me time to see and to get real and make real changes that are being avoided within myself and outside of myself by moving fast within me and thus outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run away from myself and my reality by living fast, I commit myself to always check myself and to slow down and take a breath and keep breathing, to take a slow phase within me and to stop the abusive patterns that isn’t best for me or for all, and to change these patterns by bringing my awareness to them and to be direct with myself.

Day 463 – My personal Survival mode

continuing from Day 462 survival mode and money

When I am living each day from the morning to the night, I am living to survive. It is how the system is designed. We all need to survive, so I am doing what needs to be done practically each day to make sure I am making money. Money is with what we trade and how much money I have depends on what I can have. Money decides everything in the material world currently.

The matter of facts is that we live in a material world. Without the materials we can’t do or make anything that is of basic needs, the earth is one big ball of materials and it can be made, shapes and molded to all kinds of different forms, some materials we don’t need to change but simply collect.

I as an individual requires some of these materials like all other people, animals or plants, and for me to have it I need money.

So currently survival isn’t optional, I have to survive. BUT who I am within surviving is the one thing that I can change.

Because I can look at survival as a practical application within the system that is here, it is a simple equation that I can apply on a daily basis, there does not have to be any experience attached to me surviving, or any thoughts or emotions or any feelings towards it.

But instead there can be me deciding who I am going to be within applying myself on a daily basis to ensure my survival and to within this not make/create survival as a mind possession of self-interest, but a simple practical equation.

Who have I been within this survival mode within this system designed to force modern man into living in a modern time with a cave man mentality.

I have been fearful, I have been tired, I have been paranoid, I have been anxious, I have been feeling like there is no way out, I have been feeling that there will never be an end, I have been feeling that I am stuck in one cycle over and over, I have been feeling that this is how my life will be forever no matter how much I push and try and change my circumstances, I have been feeling that the system just isn’t big enough for me to push and go beyond where I am within the system currently, I have been feeling that the system is falling and thus there is no point in me pushing the system, I have been feeling that by the time I succeed the system will collapse and all my effort is for nothing, I have been feeling like there is no place for me in the higher places in the system and that it is full, I have been feeling that money is limited and thus no way for me to make money, I have been feeling fragile in the system fighting every day to make that money, I have been negative towards myself within the money system, I have been anxious towards myself working in the money system, I have been giving up on myself ever reaching that goal that I have set and that I have been applying the equal pressure to reach it, yet it just never comes, I have been not believing in myself, I have been not believing in the system, I have been doubting money itself, I have been feeling stagnant within myself and within the system in terms of money movement as if I just cannot move money, I have been hating money, I have been hating people with money, I have been placing myself outside the rich people scope, I have been seeing myself less than successful people, I have Not been moving as breath as I fear time isn’t enough, I have been fearing running out of time as it feels like money is running out of my country, I have been feeling that I must have one point of success at least by now with all that I have done, I have been feeling that the whole system is against me and me making some of the money within it, I have been feeling that maybe there is someone deliberately pushing me out of the system and reaching the money that is here,

And that someone lives in my head, ME

To be continued.

Day 463 – Survival mode and money

continuing from: Day 462 – Survival mode and money

Money can only be available to us if we have access to money; to have access to money we need a Job. So now one might have a job and the access to money but the amount of money is what matters now.

See a man without money knows where he stands, he has found himself a place in the system where he is now surviving, it is a horrible life, maybe one can never get used to it, but I will assume from my personal experience and research that most of jobless and homeless people get used to the way of their life. There is a norm within it all for them, things they do every day to survive. They simply have given up and they only live for the next meal.

Then we have people with some money, just a little bit. This amount of money is enough to get food for half of the month and the other half is a struggle, it is horrible. But over time like all things, they got used to it and are surviving within it, within the circumstances they are in, they will always just stay in this state and see no way out ever, because there usually isn’t a way out at all, it’s in the design of the system.

Then we have people with just enough to meet all basic needs on a monthly basis, in other words they are making it, they have a life, there isn’t any starving or bad struggles, but it is still horrible, because these type of families are just making it, it is what we define as making it in the system, a roof and basic needs just met, so they have the consistent fear of the possibility that they may/can go below this life style.

Then we have people who live nice, they have just more than the basic needs and they can afford some comforts, but they are also in the consistent fear of going below the line of where they are, losing their job is for instance a daily concern.

Then we have the middle class, the middle class have more than basic needs, they can afford cars and bigger houses and they can go into debt and make all kinds of promises and have some vacations, and have more emotional problems at home, which is horrible. And these types of people are also living in consistent fear of what if their life can change at any moment and go below the line of where they are now, so survival can even be stronger in this type of class.

Then we go a bit higher than the middle class, what we are now getting at is the upper class, the upper class are small business owners or highly paid people in GOOD positions, and people that started their own thing and made a success, like a little mini market, they don’t have much issues in life, they have more than enough and can easily do more if they have the desire to, but they are in a type of comfort zone that they fear breaking, so it is horrible, they can actually have a fear of losing a bit of comfort, and thus will never change their live style or do more, it’s how they survive, their fear will not be about going below the line of their current class, but going below a line of class inside the home, it’s horrible.

Then from here on we have the rest, the people I haven’t met yet, I can’t talk about them. I mostly just see them driving from certain neighborhoods with their sexy cars and taking their kids to schools that looks like palaces. I suppose their fear will be the rest of the world and staying rich keeps them in a nice bubble away from everyone else.

These classes are from what I have seen and interacted with and still do daily through my work.
So now looking at myself, seeing where am I, and why do I live in Fear and within a survival mode, what is this doing to me, or rather me to myself and what am I keeping myself from doing and achieving through being stuck in this survival mode, what is the consequences of living this way on my individual level/life. Can this show me what my future already looks like if I am living this way?
Stay tuned, to be continued.

Moving within Survival mode is dangerous.

It is quite simple, when I move within survival mode I can only see that, Survival and nothing more. Just like when a horse gets a fright or a dog is fighting, to the horse in that moment all that matters is survival, and to the dog at that matters is surviving, when we as the outsiders see the horse having a fright or the dogs fighting, we always have this remark of calling the horse stupid or the dogs stupid for what they are doing. We will say thing to the horse like, Why are you having a fright, look there is nothing, it is nothing are you dame stupid, or while the dogs are fighting we will say something like, stop it, it is pointless, you guys are fighting for nothing, why can’t you share or live together or get over the Alfa dog point already, in this house we are all equal and no need for fighting over the Alpa position.

So I hope through those two examples of the horse and the dog fighting I could get a common standing and reference from the reader. This will be needed to see my point that I am about to make.
As the dogs are fighting, and as the horse have a fright. We as the humans are proving to ourselves in those moments that we can see beyond what is supposed to be “our nature” or in this case a dog or a horses nature, which means we can and should be able to see beyond what we call human nature equally.

And this should show to us that if we can see beyond our nature, or teach an animal to have a different nature, then what we are defining as our “nature” currently isn’t really out nature, it isn’t natural, because we can see beyond it, we can see the common sense and the self-honesty within those situations.

So why have we accepted and allowed the nature of survival to exist within us and to still run our daily lives as if it is in out nature to live in survival mode.

When we can see a horse having a fright and jumping up and down and trying to run away and could possibly harm others as being silly or stupid in those moments, or a dog fighting another dog for an alpha position, when we can see that the nature of the dog in that instance is pointless and not fitting because according to where the dog lives and what life the dog has it isn’t needed to be an alpha so why do it, why bother with is, the same goes for the human we live in survival consistently everyday within what we do, no matter what it is, it’s all for basic needs to be met and to have it daily and weekly and monthly till we die.

It is no different than when we watch the horse or the dog, if we have to observe ourselves the same way we can clearly say that human nature as the survival nature currently is stupid and silly, when we as the human race have the brains and intellect to not live the way we are living now and to make live on earth in a way that is best for all live, then why are we not doing it, just like how we don’t get why the horse never changes their ways or the dog, the same way we must first ask ourselves that question, why are we not changing our ways, when we unlike the dog or horse can see the reasons and the common sense and the self-honesty, just like how we the humans have the capacity and ability to do the same for the animal through training.

We as the human race have this ability to see beyond our self-interest and thus our nature, the survival mode that we are stuck in like a broken record.

And this is where I am bringing the point back to myself, to my daily living and application within what I do and how I do the things I do because of who I am, who I accept and allow myself to be, that which decides what I do.

If I live my daily life within the survival mode, then I am no different than the horse or the dog, I will do many things on a daily scale that I can’t find reason for in accordance with where I am within my live, I will have fear and I will have anxiety and I will have thoughts that has no purpose at all, yet they will make me do things like having frights and then doing things within my actions that makes no sense, as I lose all common sense in those moments, as survival mode exist only out of two components, fight or flight, the horse or the dog.

And thus I will find my life not flowing, the things I do will not add up, my hard work and efforts will end up as being nothing, because if I am in that survival mode without even noticing it, or seeing it, or knowing I am living it, all my actions, each and everyone one of them will come from fear/anxiety/stress, which means even when I calculate my every move they will only have been calculated from the starting point of survival, which is fear and thus all that I can create is fear and a consistent cycle of surviving in fear.

To be continued.

Over Loaded – Keep Smiling Part 2

Over Loaded – Keep Smiling Part1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overload myself with information intake through not breathing and grounding myself within the moment of receiving new information, where I instead think and over think and let the information spin around in my mind instead of breathing and absorbing the information as me in the moment.

When and as I am receiving new information from someone else and I am overloading myself with the new information through attempting to store ALL the information I have ever received in one place, I stop, I breathe, I ground myself with what is here and what is here to deal with, to take in, and to direct and move myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overwhelm myself with information intake when new information is received within the underlining fear of losing the information and to within this fear, rush all the information into my head and wanting to act on the information immediately before I can lose it.

When and as I see myself being in a state of fearing losing information that I am receiving, I stop, I breathe, I direct myself to NOT make this a point of the mind or ego, where I believe that I must be able to take in all this information at once, and I direct myself to after receiving all the information to slow down and to ask questions on the information I did not get/receive or understood and to physically integrate the information as a practical breathable phase, which is self-supporting and assisting myself in the moment to remain grounded and stable, to not make/create it into a mind point, and to write things down and not rely on the mind to be superior in theory, as it isn’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overload myself with information intake through taking in all the information I can in a conversation in the fear of, not getting all the information and then missing a point and not being able to act on the new information and be effective.

When and as I see myself being in the point of fearing losing a point within receiving information, I stop/I breathe, I direct myself within common sense, there is no need to fear losing and information as I can simply ask again, or clarify, thus I direct myself to be direct and to take authority as myself to ask.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being effective due to having lack of information and to within this rush myself and attempt to take in ALL of the information in one moment and to then make myself anxious and stressed holding onto all the information and to then wanting to act on the new information as soon as possible before I might lose it.

When and as I see myself fear not being effective just because I do not have certain information within me or with me, I stop and I breathe and I direct myself to be effective in the moment, to move myself in stability in and as the physical where I take the directive point of making myself effective and not relying on any outside information, where I equip myself with effectiveness, where I give myself the tools of effectiveness, using myself as breathing and directing and moving accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing information and to then not be effective within my application, and to give up and feel overloaded and not like I am capable of doing a single thing when a part of the information is missing and to within this completely postpone or NOT move myself for a long time, in fear of moving myself without having all the information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on information to decide how I will move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear learning new information as I move, believing that learning new information as I move along makes me seem ineffective and not professional, seeing and realizing that this is the mind protecting its own self-created limitations through creating all these little tiny reasons and points that leads to one not moving directing self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be limited to information only, and thus making a limited edition out of myself that can only be mobile once I have the information and useless when I have no information.

Over Loaded - Keep smiling Part 1

Who am I in this moment, I have noticed how I look at a point within myself from the perspective of seeing the point outside of myself. Instead of taking the point real time here as myself writing it out, so I asked myself, who am I in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to state for myself who I am in this moment and to within this question feel lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost as a way of avoiding not having to SEE direct what is here as me in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within the feeling of being lost to not have to look at the points that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid looking within, in myself to be intimate with myself and to see what is here a me as all that I have been living in secret and not sharing this and not investigating this and to just let it linger and grow and to not come out, as I see and realize in this moment that my Ego do not want these points to come out, I do not want to expose the Me that IS here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the Ego must always be protected at all costs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my ego is protecting others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I let my guard down (my ego down) that I will expose my weaknesses and within this everyone else that has built confidence within me as my ego will now see the truth of me of who I am inside and lose the confidence they have within me and so fall within themselves as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are building themselves and who they are around who I am and who I give myself forth to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build/create myself according to how others are and to within this make my character dependent on others characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide who I am behind a mask – my ego – in the believe that others are depending on me for keeping this mask/ego for them to be who they are and that if I drop this mask, that the other people will in that moment feel weak/unable to now stand as themselves as they have created themselves on this image I created around them.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the mask I carry/weak is only for my own self-interest and not for that of others, and for me having this fear that makes no sense is nonsense and thus a excuse/justification for why I am not looking into Who I am in this moment.

So I take a deep breathe, I relax, I keep breathing and I now stop the observation participation, I need to be in my body in my totality of who I am here, I need to literally be here to see who I am in this moment. I feel my eyes are heavy, I feel my hands are hungry to type, there is so much to write about, I haven’t written for myself in ages, I enjoy writing.

I am sitting on my right foot underneath my left upper leg folded onto the chair while I sit with a bend back leaning with my shoulders forward and typing with my hands while my bottom parts of my wrists are laying on the table with my hands/fingers dancing all over the keyboard.

While this is the Physical Image/pat of me as my expression – it is quite uncomfortable the way I am sitting, not supporting myself, I am having back pain now sitting this way and my back is stressing up as I write – this is self-support points related.

I am tired –this is who I am in the moment, the tiredness is me being tired in my eyes – the mind, I have been thinking all day, I have been arguing all day, I have been in many many different conversations all day, I have done so many things today that required me to direct and direct and direct and listen and listen and listen and speak and speak and speak and move and move and move, and then ALL this new information that comes in everyday all the time, from all different areas of my world, this person and then that person and then this person and then that person.

The information isn’t just a quick remember this or that kind of thing, NO it’s every time information coming from people that actually are Re directing my entire day three or four times a day and then my entire week three or four times a day, the information in my head is shaken and thrown around all the fucking time.

It’s never just simple my days, do this and get it done, its fucking new things every day, just as I think wow I have a system that works then BAM in your face – here is a new systems and implement it NOW and make it work now and then this new system effects all other systems and decisions and this effects my entire business for the day and the week and the movement of everything.

So who am I in this moment – I am over loaded – inside myself, I feel like there is NO more space for anything, I have tried many techniques but they all work only temporarily, I require a permanent solution – which is breathing consistently, but this I require to work on more - and taking in information at a consistent phase while changing information all the time – and not letting that build up.

Daily writing is definitely suggested.

To be continued with Self forgiveness.

Day 391 – Stress Character Part 2 commitments.

Day 391 – Stress Character Part1

I commit myself to practice daily my breathing and to feel my entire body within breathing to see where I am tense and stressed and to within breathing relax my body, to let go of the tenseness and to see what is the thoughts, the back chat the reason behind the specific parts of my body that tense up and to stop participating within such unnecessary patterns.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am tensed within my body to breathe and to move my body till it is out, to stretch and to support and assist myself to move in the physical and not in and as the mind as energy.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am stressed to investigate in that moment why I am stressed within what is going on in my mind in my back chat and my thoughts that are creating and generating the stress, and to be self-honest with myself about the point so that I can see what I am doing and within understanding stop and breathe and move on.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am stressed and moving myself according to being stressed to stop myself in my tracks and to slow physically down and breathe till I am moving as my breathe and to then continue moving as I did before if it is really necessary but not from the starting point of stress but from practicality.

I commit myself to when and as I am experiencing anxiety/fear and stress to not accept and allow myself to exist as it or for it to move/go into the rest of my day or the next moment and to stop and to breathe and to say’ till here and no further” as I walk as breathe.

I commit myself to stop stressing out about everything or anything just because I believe I have to.

I commit myself to face myself as the stress/anxiety that I have created as me and that I have accepted and allowed to exist as me for all these years, and to not do so anymore as I can see it is useless and bullshit.

I commit myself to practice patience and moving as breathe, as that is what is best for me and supportive for me and assisting for me, and when and as I support and assist myself within living as the physical, as the one reality that we all share, I am doing what’s best for all, as I move out from my mind out of self-interest and thus can start to see reality and what we as humanity have accepted and allowed as w hole as one body to create on our one planet for all life and to really get down to fixing it, creating solutions and presenting it to everyone.

Day 390 – Stress Character Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress just by hearing the word relax.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear relaxing and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when and as I relax and breathe and there is nothing internally such as anxiety/fear rushing me that I will not get tasks done or get anywhere and get into trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that the stressed out character is a character that I have created within my childhood years as a protection mechanism, where I have learned that when and as I get yelled at or shouted at for not doing something, or getting someone done wrong and then when I go back and do it again while being anxious/fearful that the other person is feeling good, feeling that I am now learning my lesson, and that I have learned that if I do everything within such a behavior of being “stressed” fearful/anxious that the other people will believe I am busy and doing my best and thus leave me alone and that there is no need for yelling or getting me into trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see that I have integrated this character as me completely as my physical through participating within the mind over many years as fear/anxiety and using the stressed character to manipulate others into believing that I am doing my best, I am trying me best, I am busy, I am not slacking, I am taking stress and therefore I am a good person. So no need to discipline Gian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define discipline as shouting and screaming and being mean to someone else, to create fear/anxiety/stress within that person in relation to the certain point so that next time the person will activate the fear/anxiety/stress before they even work/do the certain point and move/direct and do the certain point within such an energy possession to do the job right, according to the memory that was imprinted with the experience during being disciplined, seeing and realizing how I have learned this discipline and thus I have become disciplined within being stressed when and as I have to do something as I have seen in the past that it keeps me save when and as I am stressed/anxious doing something and that the stress/anxiety motivates me to do to get the job done. Seeing and realizing that I have been living this stress/anxiety/fear as me all my life as discipline, believing that it is good for me, when in fact it is completely now paralyzing me from doing anything full on and getting it complete that is new as I am now getting to stressed out and have to much anxiety from the accumulation process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Hold on to stress and the Belief I have of stress and the experiences I had with stress within and as the mind where the mind is holding onto this only to protect itself and the energy experiences that has/is being generated through and by the stress character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must use stress to get by in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get and be addicted to stress, within the believe that stress saves my life and that stress is the only thing keeping my body together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only fix problems and mistakes while being relaxed/

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge it as wring when and as I am relaxed about a problem, seeing and realizing that I have learned that the only way to handle a problem or a mistake is by being stressed about it, also seeing and realizing that if I was taught to laugh at problems and ignore them as a child then that is how I would have handled it now, seeing and realizing that most of my mistakes/problems I experienced was always about me and that I must be tresse4d about it, like not being smart enough in school, like maybe needing special glasses to read or I might fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect negative experience to the word relax, seeing that I have created this negative experience towards relaxing because I have experienced relaxing a something that must end and then I must become stressful again to do work/things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible to relax and to get things done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear relaxing as I see that the fear is actually just me fearing that I won’t have any movement within me when I am relaxed to get things done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when and as I am relaxed while done work that I am doing it slower then what I can do it if I were to be stressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being relaxed and chilled and calm when and as I do something, believing that when and as I am not stressed that I am not really doing it.

Day 203 – believing is must be personal and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that everything must be personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when I talk to another being that I must talk to them from the starting point of being personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take everything personal that is happening to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when and as I feel and make everything something that is happening to me that I am taking and making it personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the statement “happening to me” is a statement of taking it personal and making it personal not seeing and realizing that I create what happens to me in my life and thus it isn’t personal it is to take self responsibility and correct self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when someone speaks to me no matter what it is about that it must be personal because the person is speaking to me, seeing and realizing that the me I am referring to is thus a character and that when someone is speaking to “me” as who I have defined myself as that it isn’t me but a character that is always in defense of itself to ensure its existence as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that as a baby there was no personal till I had a name and everything I was taught or that was done was attached to my name and I labeled myself as all of it and made it all personal, seeing and realizing that it isn’t necessary as it only created survival and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that when and as I am within a conflict situation where I am a participant that I must make it personal, instead of seeing and realizing that when I make it personal I lose sight of reality as the physical and what the real point is as I then tend to only defend to attack and keep the energy going never getting to a resolve that is one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that if I want to make a point that it has to be personal or the person will not see the point, seeing and realizing that this only creates energy and thus a battle of Ego’s that will never be humble to stop and stand one and equal as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that making and taking thing personal is the only way to resolve them and take them on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that personal is not within the best interest of all life and only exist to serve self interest and the word “personal” indicates clearly.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself making a point within my day that comes up personal to, stop and breathe and to focus on the physical and the universe and to within the certain situation deal with it as it is in actual reality, within the realization that when things are taken personal everything narrows down to making it personal and not the real issue at hand anymore.

I commit myself to stop living as a personal being and to rebirth myself as life one and equal as all life that is not personal but life and thus live what is best for all life in all ways and to end the living of the consumerism product of personal.

I commit myself to stop the pattern of always first making it personal and to instead focus on breathing and remaining here as the physical to deal with the physical in one dimension and not as personal as beliefs opinions back chat mind that is many many dimensions to deal with while attempting to deal with the actual physical situation, seeing and realizing it is only self compromise ad that this creates fear and anxiety as self always only fear losing the personal or getting attacked personally and being hurt personally as everything is made personal instead of what is best for all life in all ways.

Day 130 – Living commitment – Day 2 of 21.

This is a continuation of Day 129 – day 1 of 21.

I started within my previous blog on how and what I experiences within actually applying a commitment, as I start with the basic point of Breathing, and to actually breathe everyday in awareness – I realized that breathing in awareness makes me more aware of things within me and what I live.

This brought out MAIN points within me – I started walking the first mentioned “main” point of a character I have taken on as the “I am ALWAYS bad Character”

So here I continue on the Self forgiveness on this character – I apply Self forgiveness on this character in relation to the Breathing point as I see that this character is faces prominently within my day that resonantly and unconsciously influences everything including my Breathing and thus not effectively breathing as there is Fear/anxiety/survival all the time as this characters foundations.

I continue from this Part.

Quote from day 129 “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HOLD it against myself that I was judged as bad in the past and to make it so and part of my future and to within this feel insecure and less than and in valid and not worthy and full of self hatred and resentment and so act it out or trying to make it better through being a good guy that still always mess up, as the fear of being bad is the driving force of each finger and each word -- and thus it is but all a pretense and a lie and not real but characters upon characters playing their roles to avoid being bad, yet only the bad prevails, realizing that this is not the solutions as the hatred grows and the resentment grow, but that to take self responsibility for myself is the first and only step I must take and walk” – END Quote....

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid being bad in the fear of being judged and getting complaints. 

this bad is really ridiculous things that was part of the parenting system that only hold values of the mind and isn’t really bad at all – Things such as being noisy, being loud, making a mistake, NOT LYING, the way I walk, talk, the way I do things and move and the way I interact with people and communicate and the way I enjoy myself and the way I express myself in each moment.

One example of this I am Bad character is – I will for instance be late for work, and within this I fear everyone will now judge me as being BAD and because of this judgment I have already told myself I am BAD, and thus for the rest of all my days I will never be bad again – MEANING I will never be late again, this then results in me always rushing, never having time, always doing everything very limited just to be in time - but this will all be done from the starting point of FEAR, so now every morning when I get to work in fear – I will be anxious for maybe being yelled at for being bad/late, even if I was early – how ridiculous – living in constant fear and anxiety of this one point. And then I hold this one point against myself ALL day, keeping myself in fear/anxiety all day and in the judgment of I was/am bad for it, in the anticipation that someone (an Authority) will come to me at a random time to remind me of me being bad for the one time I was late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear everyone in my world judging me as BAD.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Define BAD as something that isn’t accepted within and as others MINDS according to their beliefs/judgments/ideas/opinions and not at all based on the physical reality we all share equally in the flesh, but purely mind made up shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mind other people within my actions, validating the mind as back chat and secret mind where people gossip and talk about others with themselves, and to within this FEAR the back chat/secret thoughts others will have about me when I do something BAD that does not fit their minds.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the FEAR I have for others talking and judging me as bad in their minds in secret is only because I know I do this to others and that it is nasty and evil, and thus I do not wish for others to do it to me and within this I act out a character that will only look good and be good in others minds so that they can only have good back chat and secret conversations about me so that I do not have to FEEL bad for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I only JUDGE myself as BAD within my mind because of where I have judged others within my mind and had evil nasty conversations about them with myself, and so I see the message that Jesus said, do not judge unless you be judged, and now understanding the point of, as I judge others I will judge myself and place what I judge of others as myself and live in such a way to always avoid my own judgment within the evil secretive mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that how I judge others is how I judge myself, and that when I judge others as good or bad – that I place only limitation onto myself as I will live in such a way to always avoid my own judgment as I have witnessed for myself how I judge others as pure evil in my secret mind thoughts and back chat where I have conversations about others, and to within this realize that I fear the judgment of others because I know how I judge myself and others in my mind and that it is evil.

Evil/bad is that which is NOT best for ALL life in all ways, this isn’t a evil based on good or bad, it is based on Principal living as LIFE in and as the Physical as the flesh.

To be Continued.

Day 94 – The Fearful Character sits and waits P4

I commit myself to when and as I see a situation.scenario play out in front of me and/or somewhere else in the world, to take action in the moment to move and direct myself and to not give in to the thoughts of what I could be doing instead of take responsibility for the world and myself such as me instead watching TV or going out to the movies, or partying with friends or playing a PC game, and to not fall for my OWN trap within my back chat that of “ I do not need to do this, there are other people taking care of earth and me” or “I don't have to do anything, it is my choice” and to realize that this is the mind attempting to keep me enslaved and to not stand up, and to keep the fear/anxiety alive, just so that the mind can feel it is save and in control and okay, while the physical reality is clearly showing me that there is problems and needs attendance instantly and thus realizing that any form of postponement will only accumulate the problems/consequences that I will face equally with all life here on earth, and thus my fear/anxiety will in the end not at all be of any excuse in the face of life as I will be AWARE of every-time I deliberately made the decisions to rather go watch movies or party or TV and to not take self responsibility using fear/anxiety as an excuse and that I do not know how to do anything any ways – and thus realizing that I could/can use all the time I spend doing something else instead of taking responsibility to find out HOW in FACT I can change the world through starting with myself and investigating how the world and everything works so that I can change it as myself. 

I commit myself to when and as I see/find myself participating within back-chat of “ this is to much” I can not do this – to stop and realize that I am only talking to myself that way because of thoughts that I have of what else I could still be doing – such as seeing myself having a fun time laughing instead” or “playing video games all day long and not having a care in the world” – and to realize that it is in fact not to much, it is only through the mind participating in thoughts that is not HERE in the present moment and within back-chat that is internal Conversations CONning me with temptation and cunning words of deceptive reason and Justifications that is purely based on an energy feeling/emotion experience of the mind all based on SELF interest and NOT what is best for all LIFE and thus it is not real but an illusion that I desire to rather have, to not have to face the physical reality that is here in the present as the future I decide I create that includes all life all ways– realizing that the thoughts/feelings/emotions and back chat is but all pre-programmed in me of the past as experiences/memories and thus it is not real but the past, it is over, and if I want to relive the past over and over through not taking self responsibility for the future to come I will face great consequences that I created for myself, it is like driving for a cliff and you can see it but you enjoy driving fast to much to slow down And stop. Its all an energetic drive/experience and not what is real as LIFE as that which is currently being destroyed/mutilated/neglected/fucked up for consumerism and making money and thus I realize that it is this act of not taking self responsibility for myself but rather stay in fear/anxiety that all humans do with their own justifications and reasons that fucking up LIFE and thus I have to start with myself as I realize everyone has to start with themselves if we want to see any change before it is to late.

Day 69 – The personality Suit Part 4 –excitement behavior 3

excited me.

OK so is the continuation of the personality suit and the behaviors Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave in a overload of energy as excitement when I am anxious or feeling insecure to hide it and make myself seem as a fun guy instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave out of fear and anxiety in a super excited manner as being charged up and ready to do anything as to hide the fear .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of seeing and investigating why and how I am creating and manifesting fear within my and to built up as a overload of energy that I release through excitement within my behaviors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of looking at why and how I am creating fear and anxiety within me and in the end have a built up of energy that release as behavior in excitement and to identify myself as personality as a excited person.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realized that as long as I identify myself as a excited person as a personality as who I am in my behavior that I am actually accepting and allowing me to exist in complete fear and anxiety/stress as I have made it part of my personality as a statement this is who I am as fear and anxiety and stress and I can not do anything about it.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that excitement is fear and anxiety/stress that has accumulated within me through my own acceptance and allowance within what I participate within me as back chat and secret mind as energy within the mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify my personality trait as being a excited person to be around with, realizing that I am actually just a anxious and fearful person to be around with which is disguised as excitement and thus I am actually a danger to myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a excitement seeking junkie that seeks fear and anxiety within me life and where I can face the fears or over come them as being this I can do it guy within excitement to hide the fear and anxiety as to portray the image of not being fearful and anxious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in harms way in danger when I am possessed by a energetic experience of excitement that is built up fear/anxiety/stress just to get a relies from the fear/anxiety/stress, realizing that all I have to do is breathe and look at myself and why/how I create fear/stress/anxiety within my life that I turn into excitement as a energetic possession as ego as a personality to impress people and to be liked and seen as more and special. 

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I create all fear/anxiety/stress within my life that I express as excitement in disguise just to keep up with a personality to show to others, as the guy that can over come fear and do things no one else can or fear to much doing, realizing that I can and do harm my body through placing my body in constant stress/fear/anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is not worth it to keep on living in self created fears/anxiety/stress that forms an overload of energy that comes out as excitement that leads to the ego doing stupid things such as jumping off a cliff or anything that seems extreme within excitement just to keep up the ego personality that I used to get people to like me, to accept me, to see me as more and special,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to impress people within what I can do as being a awesome personality that is excited to be around because I can do the exciting things that most people fear doing, realizing that one day I might not be so lucky and actually kill, harm myself through doing something to impress people just for the personality’s sake as the mind consciousness system that is based on self interest and energy.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realized that when I am excited in my behavior and acting it out, I am accepting and allowing myself to exist as fear/anxiety.stress because I am telling myself I need those things to generate energy to built up excitement and to sustain a suit of personality that isnt even real but made up and that will end at death ad who will I be then? Fear/anxiety/stress. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself a chance as breathe, to relax and live here within each breath as life one and equal and to not give into the mind as energy and to not live as fear and anxiety and stress just to have a temporarily experience of excitement and to to birth myself as life as who I am as I decide in each breath as that which is best for all life to free myself from mental and energetic enslavement and to breathe freely. 

I commit myself to when I experience a feeling of excitement, to stop and breathe and to look at what is underneath the excitement and to investigate in breathe in the moment who I am and what I am accepting and allowing within and as me in fact, to then stop and breathe and to be here in breathe, to not be a slave to energy as the mind.

I commit myself to investigate all points of excitement and to look at what is the fear/anxiety/stress that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me and my world and that I have allowed to accumulate within me to a energy built up that turns into a experience that I can not explain and call it excitement and to then within my behavior as my personality act out in my world and within this mind energy excitement can harm myself and others.

I commit myself to apply writing and self forgiveness on all stress/anxiety/fear that I participate within my self and my world as back chat/thoughts/secret mind and to free myself from all stress/anxiety/fear of the mind and to stop the enslavement of energy.

I commit myself to stop hiding behind excitement and to face the fears/stress/anxiety that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me and to take self responsibility for myself and so for my world and to not follow a energy movement within me, but to take self directive action in directing myself in and as the physical as that which is best for all life in all ways and to re-birth myself as life and to free myself as breath.